Trial Results

The Judge comes into the courtroom and addresses Assmunch and Douche Attorney.


"It looks like you're moving to dissolve joint custody in favor of sole custody for the father. Can you tell my why?"


"Yes, your honor," starts Douche. "We don't actually want sole custody, your honor. We're actually fine with the way things are right now. The filing of that motion is purely procedural, so we don't have to hear that part of the case."


Judge looks at Douche as if he's crazy. Did Douche really just try to throw out his own case?? Judge needs more information.


"Why did you file if you don't want sole custody?" she asks, squinting at Douche, as if to make sure that he's real and not a really thick fart wearing a tie.


"Your honor, we feel that if you allow the other side to testify, you will see that joint custody isn't working in this case and you will award sole custody to the other side. So I wanted to make sure that my man had a chance to get..." ...he tried to find the words and failed... "...a chance."


Judge, again, is baffled. This can't possibly be happening, can it?? So she clarifies again.


"You don't want sole custody?"
"That's right."
"But you filed for sole custody?"
"That's right."
"Because if the other side testifies, your client will not get sole custody?"
"That's right."


Judge, again, stops and allows this utter absurdity to make some iota of sense. Our attorney, aka Ninja Yoda, stops the silence.



"Your honor, this is very unfair. We have spent time and money deposing this man based on this motion. There are some very serious and specific allegations that have been made, and we would ask that the sole custody motion be tried."

Almost before Ninja Yoda has finished speaking, Judge is waving her finger in the air.


"Let's hear it!" She says.


Douche calls my Wife first. Which makes sense, doesn't it? I mean, if her testimony is going to ensure that his client is NOT awarded sole custody, as he told Judge minutes before, of course he would want her on the stand first so that she can present her side of things. You wouldn't want your client presenting his side of things because that might be... logical? No, you would want to call the opposition first. You want to call the people who have the testimony that will ensure your client will not get sole custody. Because your client is completely brain dead and there is, in fact, no case AT ALL that you have to work with and the only thing you're doing is making things hard for Wife and trying to drag her through the mud.


So Wife gets on the stand. Douche asks her about her employment status. She tells him. He asks if she was working at this last place when she first filed to change custody. She said that she was working at that last place when she first filed to change visitation. Douche shot her a long, dirty look, as if she had just thwarted his ever-so-clever attempt to trap her into saying that she was trying to change custody-- which she was not trying to do.


At this time, Assmunch leans over to Douche and whispers something, and I see my name smear across his dry, reptilian lips. Douche says to Judge, "Your honor, I would like to invoke The Rule."

Judge announces, "Is there a witness in the courtroom?" And Ninja Yoda says that there is. And I stand up, and Judge tells me to leave the courtroom and I should not discuss my testimony with anyone or allow them to discuss the case with me. I leave.


I get reports of what followed.


Douche attacks Wife for wanting a tax credit when she's not making enough money to warrant the credit. She responds that, if she had known this, she would not have pressed for a tax credit. Douche hands her a calendar with days X-ed out. He asks Wife to count the days, which are the current number of days Assmunch gets with the boys. Then Douche hands her another calendar and asks her to count the days that she is saying he should be allowed under the standard visitation schedule she is proposing. Wife says, "I'd be happy to count the days for you, but this isn't what I'm proposing." Douche lays into her, trying to get her to admit that she is trying to change the schedule to this Standard Visitation Schedule calendar that Douche has made. As I saw this calendar after the fact, I noticed that it looked almost identical to a calendar that Wife had made the first time we went to court when Assmunch was only allowing her those 4 over-nights a month. It struck me that maybe Douche couldn't actually think for himself. Finally, Ninja Yoda stepped in and asked Judge if this line of questioning needed to continue, as Wife had already answered the question several times. Judge told Douche that he needed to move on.


Douche then produces a list of hypothetical situations in which he wanted Wife to look over them and rate them as to how important it was that these hypothetical situations be communicated to the other parent and how quickly they should be communicated. Ninja Yoda very quickly opposed this, as they were all hypothetical questions.


Essentially, Douche tried to trap Wife into saying things that he could manipulate later. Wife didn't fall into any of his traps. He hammered on her for over an hour. Judge ordered a break.


The trial resumed, and Wife was examined by Ninja Yoda. Ninja Yoda examined her for almost an hour before Judge said that they were going to take a break. She also called counsel into her chambers.


Judge tells both attorney's that they need to settle. "This case should never have gotten this far," she says. She looks at Ninja Yoda. "If your client wants to try this case, she's not going to be awarded the tax break she's seeking because she doesn't make enough money." Judge spins on Douche. "And if YOUR client wants to try this case, I'm going to discover that he's a controlling asshole and I WILL dissolved joint custody, and she [Wife] will be named custodial parent and have sole custody. I don't like control-freaks. They don't work in joint custody. And I'm forcing counseling so that these two can figure out how to talk with each other about this."

So we settled.

Our 10 year old now is going to stay with us from Thursday to Thursday. Our 14 year old is going to stay with us from Friday to Friday. Counseling continues until November 1st, when the therapist will write a progress report. If all is going well, things will stay the same. If Wife is making enough money, she will be granted one child as a tax break. If not, then no tax break. If Assmunch continues to be an assmunch, then joint custody is over and Wife gets sole custody and child support and both children as tax write offs.



Incidentally, it's taken me 4 days to write this. I'm glad the trial is over. I'm glad this story is over. Wife, 10 year old, 14 year old and myself feel better and are noticeably enjoying life a lot more. Our 14 year old rode his bike yesterday and I can't wait to ride with him. Our 10 year old rode down a slope twice without crashing, and I can't wait to do that again. We're all feeling more empowered, happier, more relaxed. Wife is sleeping better. Both boys are able to speak their feelings more, telling us what they want and how they're doing. Everything seems much more relaxed, like our collective lives just sat down on a really comfy couch, propped it's feet up, and sighed into an excellent state of rest. It feels good.