Kicked In The Nutz

I'm too gutless to move forward.

It's sorta like that book Flowers For Algernon where the retarded guy was happy, but then he got smart and realized that other people were making fun of him, and then he went back to being retarded, except now he was unhappy because he knew that people were making fun of him.

...well, OK, it's not quite like that.

But, used to be, I was a really great actor. I was a great improviser. I was a great musician. I was a great performer.

Then I got my confidence kicked in the nuts, and I stopped performing.

After "stopping", I was in a musical in New York. I was okay.
I was in a movie recently. I wasn't good.
I stop myself from performing with other groups here in town because I'm scared. I'm scared of being thought less of. And right now, there's not much less to think of about me. I'm not doing anything.

Well, I guess I sang a couple of times with a buddy of mine. We sang in our store. That seemed to go over well, but that was in a retail store, not a performance venue. When we went to a coffee house, we were okay. Then we went to a bar, sang two songs, and slaughtered everyone. Then we went back and completely bored everyone. Ourselves included. We haven't been invited back.

My mother is supportive.
My wife is supportive.
And yet, I make up all kinds of different excuses as to why I can't perform: I'm too tired, I haven't written anything, I don't want to perform with people who aren't professionals, you can't afford me. And probably, they're all to cover that I'm scared. I'm scared to find that I don't have "it" anymore. That I'm not as powerful as I once was. That I'm weak and I won't be able to get my strength back. That my wife won't think I'm funny, and that will mean that she doesn't love me anymore and we'll get divorced. Or our boys won't think I'm funny, and then they won't want to live with us at all anymore, and then Dick Lick will take them away and sue us for child support and we'll lose the house and the cars and have to live in a box. And yes, I guess this is a real, palpable fear of mine. I know it sounds outrageous and unrealistic, but I'm not ready to laugh about it because it's still a real possibility in my mind: this is something that might happen.

I remember seeing a friend of mine get kicked in the dick by a horse when we were at summer camp together in 5th grade. His nuts got pummeled, and he stood there for, like, 8 years, just looking at me, not moving, his eyes so huge they covered his entire face. It was like he was scared to move for some reason. That's how I feel. If I move, I might actually feel the pain from the horse kicking me in the dick, or I might realize that my balls have exploded inside my pelvis, or that my hips have exploded out my ass. I'm going to stand perfectly still and do nothing and, in that way, I'm going to still believe that I have a pair and can actually be considered a man.




PS... that friend who got kicked by a horse, he was rushed to the hospital. Didn't come back to camp. Much later in life, he became a famous swimmer and wrote a book about swimming. So I guess he's okay. I don't think he has any children.