The Spiral

So I'm pissed.

My wife and I were trying to buy a house so that we could start spending our money for us, rather than for our landlord, and so that when we go back to court, Pencil Dick can't say that we shouldn't have custody of the boys because we're in the wrong school district-- because we will be in the right school district.

So we found a lender. And we told him all about our credit history. I have bad credit, including defaulting on a student loan. My wife doesn't have any credit. And he did all the stuff that lenders do, and told us we were approved for a certain amount of money. My wife and I were ecstatic. Then we found another lender, who offered us a better deal, and we went with her. And then we find a house. And we like the house. And it's great for us. And it's in the right school district. And there isn't a busy street in the backyard. And the boys see it, and they like it. And we make peace with not living in our current house forever. And then we made an offer on the house. And it was accepted! And our realtor was happy and we were happy, and we signed the document saying that we were entering into a contract to purchase the home. And then we got a loan from the bank for moving our stuff and they put it directly into our account. And things are going about as well as can be expected.

And then...

Just today, the bank contacts my wife and tells her that they need to have me sign something. Seems there's some kind of default, they say, on a student loan that they didn't know about. Didn't know about?? We told them up front! We got this far, and now I feel like it's all falling apart.

And I feel stupid for having a student loan in the first place. And I feel stupid for defaulting on my student loan. And I start reliving all the humiliation and remorse that I had when I first discovered that I couldn't pay back the student loan like I thought I would be able to. And I feel even more humiliated because now it's become public. I trusted my wife with my embarrassing financial secret, and she married me anyway. But now bank people-- strangers-- will know that I'm a horrible person.

And they aren't going to loan us the money.
And then we won't get the house.
And then Pencil Dick will tell the Judge that we shouldn't be granted custody of the boys.
And the Judge will agree.
And it will come up in court that I have defaulted on my student loan.
And Pencil Dick will make fun of me about it, and it will hurt.
And the Judge will laugh.
And the opposing counsel will snicker a smug snicker.
And my wife will be tortured over the loss of her boys.
And I will hate myself.
And she will leave me.
And I will deserve it all because I defaulted on my student loan.
And there isn't anyone in the world as absolutely horrible as me.
Hitler will look like a box of kittens compared to me.
And I'll cry a lot.
And no one will care.
And I suck.

And then the tears will end, at some point.
And I'll get hungry.
And I'll need some food.
And I'll have to panhandle for food.
And it will suck hard.
And I'll sell plasma.
Oh yeah, I will have lost my job because of something horrible.
So I'll have to sell plasma.
So I'll sell plasma.
And I'll get $50 a week.
And ... I don't know what to do after that.
I can't see that far ahead.
I guess I would sleep in my car.
But I don't know where I would shower.
I guess I wouldn't shower.
And I would eat peanut butter sandwiches all the time.
And feel hungry all the time.
And I would feel good, because a person like me should be living in this way.
This is justice.
For my defaulted student loan.
And the complete destruction of a family.

Shit can really go downhill fast sometimes.