Hello, This Is God

Hello.  This is God speaking.  I really just wanted to take a few minutes and clear up a few things.

First off, yes, I exist.  Secondly, I am able to make a rock so big even I can't lift it.  I know that's a troubling one, but it's true.  If you don't believe me, think about Heaven.  I created the universe, the Earth, and all the people on it.  I created Paradise, but nobody was allowed in.  Why?  Well, when you find a really great resort, do you go around telling everybody you know about it so that it becomes crowded with tourists, or do you keep it to yourself?  I rest my case.  So I've got this groovy pad to chill in, you people can't get in, and everything is coolio.  But then I start hearing a whole bunch of whining from Hell.  "Why didn't you tell us about Heaven, God?"  "Why are you keeping it all to yourself??"  Well, it's not like I could just open the doors for everybody.  It had to be exclusive, otherwise it wouldn't be Paradise, would it?  So I made it so that nobody could get in unless my son (which wasn't gonna happen, cuz I ALWAYS wrap up the God Cock), dies on a cross, gets buried for three days, and then rises from the grave (yeah, right), to open up the doors of Heaven for everyone.  Nothing I can do about it.  So you see, the way into Heaven was so difficult even **I** couldn't open them! 

And I wish you guys would stop calling me the God of Love.  Seriously, I knocked up some chick on her way to Bethlehem before her husband even had a chance to get in there, let her have the kid without even so much as a Devine Pain Killer or a Holy Epidural, let the other guy raise my kid without so much as one alimony check, then I let his friends spit on him, throw rocks at him, jab spears into him, nail him to a cross until he died, let him get buried in a tomb for three days (you know how hungry you get after a day without lunch?  Well, I made him go three days without ANYTHING), and then I made him WALK all the way from Golgotha to Heaven, at which point I said, "yeah, okay, you've done enough.  You can go ahead and come in.  And you can let in your friends, too."  I kinda started Facebook like that.  Anyway, that's not really "love", is it?  I mean, yeah, if you define love as "really cruel acts of physical brutality that continue over a sustained period of time and don't feel good", I suppose all of that would be considered love.  But then, you wouldn't call "sex" "love making", you would call "rape for three days in the butt with a cactus" "love making".  And you don't.  You don't do that at all.  So, really, I'm not the God of Love. 

In fact, most of what I do would be classified in the I Don't Care section of life.  I don't really love you people.  Yeah, I made you.  Kinda like you make poo.  It just happens.  And then you flush it.  And then, suddenly, your toilet starts talking to you, calling you Hosanna and shit, and you're like, "Whoa, my shit is talking to me."  And then, you know, just for fun, you make one of your turds think he needs to kill his son to prove how much he loves you.  And he actually almost does it!  I mean, he's got the knife above his head and he's ready to kill his son, and you have to jump in and stop him, cuz he's just a shit and he doesn't know that he's just a shit and you were just joking with him.  I mean, you joke around because you never thought your shits would become sentient, let alone start building cities and discovering fire.  It's just, you know, not what you would expect.  So you walk away from the toilet, because you've got other things to do-- PlayStation, porn, you know, that kind of stuff-- and you come back, and the shit is STILL THERE!  Thriving!  Singing praises to you!  Fuck, I mean, it's interesting, but not something I'm gonna sit around all day long and watch after.  That's like what you are to me.  I don't care about your prayers, I don't hear them, cuz most of the time you don't say them out loud, I don't let bad things happen to good people because I'm not there most of the time, and I don't have that much invested in you in the first place.  How much do you have invested in your shits?  Not much, that's right.

Just about everything else, you guys made up on your own.  You created the story of Adam and Eve.  You made up Noah.  Cuz seriously, do you honestly think **I** would be so stupid to create horrible people who don't do what I say TWICE??  If I said "Don't eat the apple," and then you go and eat the apple, I'm not giving you a second chance.  And I'm CERTAINLY not gonna go, "Well, dammit, you ate the apple, so now you guys have to go out and fuck a lot."  Because unbeknownst to a lot of you so-called "Christians", sex is fun!  It feels good!  You're so busy hiding in fear from it and not talking about it and being scared that some dude is gonna stick his dick in your butthole that you ignore just how excellent it really is!  Why do you always associate goodness with sin?  Are you really that fucked up?  "This chocolate cake is SINFULLY delicious!"  "Don't masturbate or you'll go to hell!"  "Bacon isn't kosher!"  What is wrong with you people?!  Fucking fuck, you're all idiots.

Look, just live your life.  Quit being so concerned with how anybody else lives their life, and just life your life.  I don't care if you believe in me or not, because I don't really care about you.  Honestly, you've given me very little reason to care about you.  All the genocide and anger and hate and war and weapons and senseless killings and rape and murder and aggression and jealousies and hostilities and small-pox-infested-blankets you gave to the Native Americans and slavery and sexual oppression and the Crusades and witch hunts and divorce lawyers and step-mothers and Russell Fucking Crowe... there is so very little you have done that would make anyone stick around for longer than it took to shit you out in the first place.  There is no Heaven.  Just the rest of my bathroom.  There is no Hell.  Just my disposal.  There is no Limbo, Purgatory, saints, or Holy Days.  I don't care if you pray, because I'm not listening.  In fact, I'm not really God.  I'm just a guy with a crapper filled with shit, and the shit wants to think it's something more than it is.  You're just shit.  And one day, you'll get flushed.  As soon as I can get a plumber in here, you'll all just go away.  So fucking live your life and shut the fuck up.  Make good use of the time you've got and quit worrying about everybody else.