Newton's Laws of Emotion

Today, I find myself getting pissed at the courtesies I've shown to others.

Yeah, I know.  Normally I would get down on myself for not being kind enough to people, or ruminating on something I said that I deemed not polite or empathetic enough.  Not today.  Today, as I take my exhausted brain, back, arms, legs and butt, and raise my exhausted axe above my exhausted head, I'm not aiming for myself for failures of etiquette or decency, but rather my willingness to extend those acts of decency to those who shouldn't have them.

A while ago, a colleague of mine got in my face and screamed at me for a prolonged period of time in a manner in which, I thought, would result in his fist pounding into my gut or face.  I was certain I was going to get punched.  I didn't.  And after he screamed at me, for something that was not my fault, he extended his hand, saying, "Welcome home."  I shook his hand.  I'm so mad at myself for shaking his hand.  He did not deserve that gesture.  And it was a lie.  A lie signifying that I was okay with him.  And I was not.  And I still am not.

Yesterday, I arrived at my home and the guardian ad litem was there, doing a home visit and speaking with her clients, our children.  The last time she was hired to represent them, she did not do her job very well.  She failed our children, and caused my wife and myself great hurt from injustice.  Yesterday, we allowed her to be alone with the children.  Yeah, it's the law.  But as a parent, how happy are you to leave your children alone in a room with somebody who has a history of not looking out for their best interests?  If you're even a semi-decent parent, it probably gives you pause.  Yesterday, however, when she emerged from our 16-year-old's room and saw me for the first time since I had arrived home, she shook my hand.  And we hugged.  I am mad at myself for that gesture.  It's a lie.

I wish my Axe of Justice really worked, and everything I swung at was immediately handed Justice.  But my wife reminded me yesterday of words our previous lawyer said at one point: "There is no Justice."

Maybe that's a good thing.  Maybe it's good that there's not Justice.  If there were Justice, I would be punished for shaking my colleague's hand, or for hugging the guardian ad litem.  And, honestly, I don't really want to be punished for that.  I'm sure that I've done bad things, acted with malicious intent, intentionally caused... I dunno... "harm" is too strong.  I'm not sure that I've intentionally caused harm.  Yeah, now that I'm thinking about it, I have intentionally caused harm.  And sure, it can be masked behind, "I was in a fight and I was trying to defend myself."  But I was still intending to do harm.  The reason doesn't really matter when Justice is concerned, right?  If there is no Justice, then I can forgive myself for causing harm to those guys who were trying to mug me when I was a kid, or for fighting my roommate in college when he was wrestling me and wouldn't let me go, or when I punched my father in the asshole for pulling my hair and throwing me down to the ground.  No, I didn't start these fights, but I did have malicious intent.  I wanted to hurt somebody.  And Justice would probably have something to say about that. 

Or not.  Maybe Justice is the karmic manifestation of Newton's Laws of Motion, specifically the third law stating that any action must have an equal and opposite reaction.  Upon reflection, though, this doesn't quite mesh with my example.  Example: My father tells me to throw away an aluminum can.  I tell him I'm going to recycle it.  He tells me there isn't time.  I start walking to the recycling bin.  He grabs my hair, stopping me.  I swing at him.  He throws me to the ground.  As he's sitting on me, I punch him in his asshole.  So, to simplify, the action of physical aggression, as was first demonstrated by my father pulling my hair, should result in an equal yet opposite reaction.  Taking a swing at him is not opposite of his actions towards me.  Not completely.  He acted with aggression, and I reacted with the same aggression. 

I find it difficult to imagine a situation that would align with Newton's Laws of Motion when it comes to the motions of human emotions, in that it's hard to imagine an opposite reaction to an emotional action.  I love you, so you react with the opposite emotion of love, which is apathy.  Rarely does this happen, if ever.  Think about kids on a playground.  Timmy runs over to Sally and says "I love you!"  I don't know that I can imagine a situation where Sally doesn't react to this at all.  Similarly, acts of hatred result in equal acts of hatred, not acts of love or peace.  Even demonstrations of Passive Resistance, like Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. used, are not similar.  They would be examples of making sure people see what the struggle is about.  The Indians want salt, so the English beat them down, but the Indians continue march to get their salt from the ocean.  The struggle is not about the fight between the English and the Indians.  It is about the Indians wanting what is theirs, and the English beating them away from it.  Similarly, the American Civil Rights Movement was not about black and white people fighting.  It was about black people being treated as people, and the white people beating them away from it.  Peaceful resistance is a very cerebral way to fight, but it is still a fight. 

And maybe this is all me misunderstanding the scientific minds of those who came before me.  Maybe I'm just a dumb actor who doesn't know shit about shit.

It sure would be nice if the reaction to being punched wasn't to punch back, but to hug.

And yet, my Justice Axe wants to cut into me today because my reaction to being punched (metaphorically) by the guardian ad litem was to hug her.

Fuck me.  Everything is stupid.