My head won't shut up

My head won't shut off. It's distracting. It says stuff that I don't want to hear and I feel helpless to control it or stop it.

You're hot because you're fat. And you're not doing anything to get unfatter. And your job sucks and you suck at it and everybody there is a loser, which means you're a loser too. And you aren't able to pay for all the needs of your family. And you stopped performing because you suck and everyone around you thought you sucked, too.

And I try to ignore it. And that takes a lot of energy, because it feels like I'm trying to stop a leak in a bucket by using stick of butter. It just won't shut up.

And you wear your jacket all the time because you're fat and you're insecure about being fat and every time you try to work out, you can do it for three days and then you quit. You quitter. And your kids want to spend more time with you and you don't have any more time to give to them, so they're going to hate you. And your wife wants more time with you, and you don't have any more time to give to her, so she's going to hate you. And they're all going to hate you and resent you for not paying attention to them and then they're going to find somebody who will and they will forget about you like a used tissue. And you can't do a goddam thing right at your job, which you don't even like, so you're a two-time loser. And your lunch is peanuts. You must be a real loser if your lunch is peanuts. You see everybody else is getting their lunches from restaurants, but you're bringing your lunch like a big fat sweaty loser. And the lady next to you wants to buy a house. You're never going to buy a house because your credit sucks and you'll never be able to pay back your student loans and you can't get a job to make ends meet right now. How do you expect to get a job to make ends meet AND pay off your student loans? You can't. Because you're a loser. And when was the last time you wrote a song that you thought was good? Or a story? Or even had a witty line that you thought was decent? You're a fucking loser and a loser.

And I work to shut it off, because it's going to affect my relationship with my wife or my kids or my mother

but you know i won't shut up because i got batteries that never die and you gotta get tired sometime in the morning i'll be there and at night i'll be there and when you want to rest i'll be there letting you know about the miserable failure that you are

And I try to think about the cognitive therapy stuff

and i laugh because that was stuff that you learned when you were certain you were a loser and you had to have somebody help you because you couldn't do it on your own just like a child being dependent on others you fucking loser and you can't even do it now to help you out loser because you're a loser

And I try to work and maybe think about taking a pill tonight to get it to shut up or going for a walk tonight

and if you go for a walk then you're going to loser your wife and kids because they will think you don't love them and you won't loser any weight with the weak-ass workout you do anyway and sometimes it doesn't even make you feel any better to go workout so why do it loser and sometimes the pills work and sometimes they don't and how does it feel to be a doped up loser that can't get his mind to shut up unless he's taking medication i'll bet the meth addicts think of themselves as taking medication you fucking loser big fat fuck of a fucking loser

So I put it in the open, to see if getting it out helps, like steam from a teapot. Or not. I don't know yet. It doesn't feel any better. It doesn't feel any worse. It feels like it's a little better, but it's going to fill up again really soon. And my lunch break is over.