sliding

i'm sliding
sliding down
down
down
i don't know
i'm sliding down
and down i go

i look around
i don't see what i see
i get a grip
that's when i slip

and slide
slide down
sliding down

i heard you say up
i saw my feet down
i heard you behind me
nowhere to be found
now i get a grip
but it all slips

sliding
i'm sliding
i'm sliding down
i don't know where i go
i don't know

maybe one of these
will be the last time i'm seen
maybe you'll find me
lost in the scene
lost in the air
lost on the ground
how will you know
if i'm lost or i'm found

i'm sliding
sliding down
here i go
i don't know
slow sliding
sliding
sliding down

Call Daren!

Goddammit!
Call motherfucking Daren!
Your arm hurts, and he can help you, and it doesn't cost you any money to see him!
So just call him now!

News Blackout

I haven't listened to NPR in a while. Maybe a week.
I don't know what's going on with my president.
I don't know what's going on with the oil spill, or Iran's nuclear capability, or Korea's fight with Korea, or the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. I do know that the general has been replaced because he said negative things about the war effort and those running it in a Rolling Stone interview, but I didn't actively seek out that knowledge.
I don't know how the primary elections are going.
I don't know how the economy is doing.
I don't know any of that.
I haven't gone online to read anything at NPR.org.
I haven't listening to the radio.
I haven't downloaded a Podcast in quite some time. Maybe weeks. Possibly a month.
I haven't seen anything.
I haven't read anything.
I haven't listened to anything.
I haven't even watched "The Daily Show". I love that show. And I haven't seen it in some time.

This is really my wife's prescription. She has noticed that I get tight when I know what's going on. Probably because I can't do anything to change the situation and I start to feel helpless and powerless to affect positive change. Or maybe it's because I realize just how many retarded people there are in the world, and most of them are in high public offices. Many of them have been elected to their positions. And all of them are in charge of our general health and well-being. And so few of them give two shits about any of us.

But, as is typical, my wife knows what's good for me. I feel less pressure. I don't feel as powerless. I don't feel as doomed. As angry. As frustrated.

Yeah, I'm still depressed and I'm fighting really hard to get out of that. And my wife is helping with that, too. She found and-- essentially-- checked out an audio book from the library for me about cognitive therapy because she knows that has worked for me in the past, and she knows that I'm not a reader, and she knows that I have at least an hour in the car per day as I commute to and from work where I can listen to said audio book. But this depression that I'm in right now isn't caused by the stupid news. And it's not exacerbated by the stupid news. And, perhaps, the news was covering up my depression, making me think that I was really upset about the news rather than my brainal crap.

My wife is really good to me. And really good for me. I'm glad I've got her in my life. And I really wish that I could give her some idea about the depth and strength of my emotions. But if I did that, I might explode her from the inside, her frail body and weak frame wouldn't be able to withstand the emensitude of emotions. She's my best. I absolutely adore her.

What was I saying? Oh right. The news sucks ass.

relentless

what's that noise
coming from behind
sounds so familiar
feels like before

close your eyes, i'm not gonna stop
shut your ears, i'm not gonna stop
slam the door, i'm not gonna stop
cry out loud, i'm not gonna stop

beat me down, i'm not gonna stop
beat me down, i'm not gonna stop
beat me down, i'm not gonna stop
beat me down, i'm not gonna stop

going all the way
i'm not afraid of you
make it to the top
i'm not afraid of you
i'm not afraid of you
i'm not afraid!

growl your teeth, i'm not gonna stop
mash your fists, i'm not gonna stop
grind your feet, i'm not gonna stop
scream me down, i'm not gonna stop

push it all the way
i'm not afraid of you
push it to the top
i'm not afraid of you
try to back me down
i'm not afraid!

relentless

slap me around, i'm not gonna stop
push me down, i'm not gonna stop
face to ground, i'm not gonna stop
i'm not gonna stop
i'm not gonna stop
i'm not gonna stop

stumbly

stumbly shoes
with no place to go
but to wait for me

hopeful glances
eye to eye
strangers waving
i've known you all along

stumbly words
not with me
he knows where he's going

leaping over and over and over
waving like strandeders thrashing to be rescued
i can lift you up
i can lift you all
and you'll see where the air is

stumbly bums
we don't care about the things we used to care about
we've known each other since before now
walking next to you without seeing you has been the hardest part

leaping over and over and over
waving like kids who know the answer
i can lift you up
i can lift you all
and you'll see where the air is

everything's fine

her sleep whispers across to me
every breath is saying
everything's okay now
everything's fine

and i want to give her everything
and i can't give her everything
but for now
everything's fine

i want to whisper across to her
but my head's a highway
but even still
everything's fine

snapshot that face
tuck it away for later
when everything is not
everything's fine

her sleep whispers across to me
every breath is saying
everything's okay now
everything's fine

My head won't shut up

My head won't shut off. It's distracting. It says stuff that I don't want to hear and I feel helpless to control it or stop it.

You're hot because you're fat. And you're not doing anything to get unfatter. And your job sucks and you suck at it and everybody there is a loser, which means you're a loser too. And you aren't able to pay for all the needs of your family. And you stopped performing because you suck and everyone around you thought you sucked, too.

And I try to ignore it. And that takes a lot of energy, because it feels like I'm trying to stop a leak in a bucket by using stick of butter. It just won't shut up.

And you wear your jacket all the time because you're fat and you're insecure about being fat and every time you try to work out, you can do it for three days and then you quit. You quitter. And your kids want to spend more time with you and you don't have any more time to give to them, so they're going to hate you. And your wife wants more time with you, and you don't have any more time to give to her, so she's going to hate you. And they're all going to hate you and resent you for not paying attention to them and then they're going to find somebody who will and they will forget about you like a used tissue. And you can't do a goddam thing right at your job, which you don't even like, so you're a two-time loser. And your lunch is peanuts. You must be a real loser if your lunch is peanuts. You see everybody else is getting their lunches from restaurants, but you're bringing your lunch like a big fat sweaty loser. And the lady next to you wants to buy a house. You're never going to buy a house because your credit sucks and you'll never be able to pay back your student loans and you can't get a job to make ends meet right now. How do you expect to get a job to make ends meet AND pay off your student loans? You can't. Because you're a loser. And when was the last time you wrote a song that you thought was good? Or a story? Or even had a witty line that you thought was decent? You're a fucking loser and a loser.

And I work to shut it off, because it's going to affect my relationship with my wife or my kids or my mother

but you know i won't shut up because i got batteries that never die and you gotta get tired sometime in the morning i'll be there and at night i'll be there and when you want to rest i'll be there letting you know about the miserable failure that you are

And I try to think about the cognitive therapy stuff

and i laugh because that was stuff that you learned when you were certain you were a loser and you had to have somebody help you because you couldn't do it on your own just like a child being dependent on others you fucking loser and you can't even do it now to help you out loser because you're a loser

And I try to work and maybe think about taking a pill tonight to get it to shut up or going for a walk tonight

and if you go for a walk then you're going to loser your wife and kids because they will think you don't love them and you won't loser any weight with the weak-ass workout you do anyway and sometimes it doesn't even make you feel any better to go workout so why do it loser and sometimes the pills work and sometimes they don't and how does it feel to be a doped up loser that can't get his mind to shut up unless he's taking medication i'll bet the meth addicts think of themselves as taking medication you fucking loser big fat fuck of a fucking loser

So I put it in the open, to see if getting it out helps, like steam from a teapot. Or not. I don't know yet. It doesn't feel any better. It doesn't feel any worse. It feels like it's a little better, but it's going to fill up again really soon. And my lunch break is over.

Texts, Emails and Phone Calls

Our 9 year-old's guitar Teacher has moved to an apartment about 30 miles away from us.

Typically, when our 9 year-old is at his father's house, Teacher travels the less-than-a-mile distance from his old apartment to AssCan's house to give the lesson to our 9 year-old. When our 9 year-old is at our house, my wife or I will travel the over-five-mile distance to Teacher's old apartment to get 9 year-old to the lesson. We will sit in the car and wait until the lesson is over, as we're sometimes not invited to come in to Teacher's apartment to watch the lesson, or sometimes the 9 year-old doesn't want us in there. Whatever the case, we normally sit in the car for 35 minutes and wait for the lesson to end before making the over-five-mile distance trip back to our house.

Guitar Teacher moved to an apartment about 30 miles away from us.

So last night, my wife contacts Teacher via text on the cell phone. She asks if guitar lessons are still on. Teacher texts back, saying that he had talked with AssCan about this and he was "surprised" that he and my wife hadn't talked about the arrangements, but that, due to AssCan's busy schedule, our 9 year-old wouldn't be able to do guitar this summer. Teacher said that he didn't want "guitar to take a back burner", and it sounded like guitar would take a back burner because of the schedule, so they were going to stop and see what happened in the fall. My wife said that she had hoped for more communication, as AssCan's schedule is only 50% of our 9 year-old's schedule, and neither my wife nor our 9 year-old had been told about this adjustment, however she understood and would see Teacher in the fall.

She then emailed AssCan and told him that Teacher had texted and repeated the words that Teacher had said. She then added that she had hoped for more communication between AssCan and herself regarding 9 year-old's schedule. She also mentioned that 9 year-old hadn't been told about this change and it would be good to tell him about those changes also.

AssCan then telephones our home number twice, only leaving a message once, saying that he wanted to talk with my wife and our 9 year-old. He has the cell phone numbers of my wife and our 9 year-old. My wife then calls him on the cell phone, and immediately he starts yelling at her and cursing, and my wife says that she will not be spoken to in this manner and they can resume this conversation when he's more calm. He called back less than a minute later. My wife put him on speakerphone. He said that she was lying about all the information contained in her email. She stated that she was merely repeating texts from Teacher, and that if communication had happened, none of this would be happening. He then told her that she was lying to him about the texts, and that he had already spoken about changing guitar teachers with my wife's mother (who is paying for the lessons). I asked our 9 year-old if he knew about his father's plans to change teachers, and 9 year-old said no, he liked Teacher and didn't know of any plans to change teachers. AssCan continued to tell my wife that she was lying about the text messages between Teacher and herself and that she was "going to use this" against him-- presumably in court. When my wife (yet again) told AssCan that she always welcomed communication between the two of them, AssCan insisted that she always had snide comments for him and didn't provide a place for him to feel comfortable communicating with her. AssCan then talked with our 9 year-old and told him that the two of them would talk more when 9 year-old returned to AssCan's house tonight.

A few minutes later, Teacher called my wife's cell phone. He said that AssCan had just called him and spoken with him about the situation and said that he was sorry that my wife and he "had gotten their wires crossed" regarding guitar lessons. He said that if our 9 year-old still wanted to do lessons, he might be able to do them this summer, although Teacher was busy and it sounded like our 9 year-old would be busy with sports. We didn't know about any sports that our 9 year-old was involved in, so we asked our 9 year-old. He said he didn't know of any sports that he was involved in. Teacher and my wife said that they would continue to talk, and the conversation ended.

My wife then emailed AssCan and told him that it was inappropriate for him to curse and yell at her over the phone, and from now on they could communicate in person or through email.

That was how we went to bed last night.
This morning, my wife has already emailed me and told me that she has received 3 emails from AssCan concerning this incident. She states that the emails "are crazy". She has attempted to contact our lawyer via email and telephone, but, as yet, no response.

Tonight, AssCan comes to pick up the boys.
I'm nervous that he will cause harm, physical or emotional, to somebody. I really hope that doesn't happen.

Pent

there's this cat who comes into our big room when it's break time.
i know it's break time because he comes in to sit with his friends behind me and talk.
usually about sports.
basketball.
and sports players.
and i wanna shove my fist through his face.
just sorta push his nose through his brain and out the back of his skull.
like a human Playdough Fun Factory.

and there's this chick who walks around like she's the boss.
because, well, she is one of them.
and she's really mean.
she was talking with the woman who used to sit next to me.
and she asked the woman something.
and the woman answered.
and she said, in the most degrading tone i've ever heard, "That's the wrong answer!"
i don't care who's boss you are, that shouldn't be allowed.
and she should be strung up and left to dry in the hot sun.
tied up to a really high fence by her hands and ankles and just left there.
and people would pass by and look and wonder what she did.
and she wouldn't be able to be mean to them.
and if she was, the people passing by would be provided a rock to throw.
and the rock would have sharp edges and pointy parts that would hurt and cut her.

and then there's PantyStain.
he made my wife angry today with more stupidity.
and i can't tell if i'm just over him or if i'm at a really good place in my coping skills...
but her anger didn't make me angry.
normally it does.
today, it didn't.
and today, i feel like he's just an annoyance.
a trifling.
something like a gnat or a fly that i have to deal with.
and he keeps trying to eat my burger outside, but he keeps pestering me.
so i stay outside as long as i can, and if he continues to annoy me, i either go inside or squish him with a rolled up newspaper.

we have a court date.
it's in november.
our 13 year old is happy with that date.
my wife is happy with that date.
i wanted it to be sooner, like next wednesday.
but for some reason, our court system moves excruciating slowly.
who cares about the sixth amendment.
that's the one that guarantees anyone accused of a crime the right to a "speedy and public trial".
i guess it's not a crime to be a horrible person and father.

did you know that the second amendment, the one gun-nuts love to quote as protecting their right to bear arms, is associated with keeping a militia to protect the state?
Here's the 2nd Amendment: "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."
it's no wonder to me that they forget to mention the "well regulated" part as they're ranting.
it's no wonder to me that they forget to mention the "Militia" part as they're ranting.
people are stupid.
and we're cutting educational programs because of economic conditions.
ensuring that we'll be dumber.
and we're buying the smart people in china, india and japan because we can't think for ourselves.
we'll just pay somebody else to do it.
and here's another thing.
"Pent" describes how i'm feeling.
as in "pent up".
it also has it's origins in Latin
deriving from the word meaning "five".
which is how many paragraphs i've written.
i'm so smarty-pants.