Bar Hopping

My wife and I went bar-hopping tonight. It was her first time. It was my second time. We had a blast. Here's what happened.

First stop, The Other Place. Apparently, this dive is notorious for needing cops to come by and break up fights late at night. This one-room bar was complete with three electronic dart boards, three pool tables, free bar peanuts, and ice-cold bottles of beer. The limes in our Corona's were delicious, and even though there were no draft beers and poor ventilation from the smoke, it wasn't a bad little place.

Next, we hit Henry Hudson's pub. They had draft beers, but anything that you might want was over $3. Why is it that Bud, Coors and Miller are so popular? It's like drinking shame in a glass. Anywho, wife and I had a couple of LaBatt in bottles, and that was tasty. Just to see what their draft was like, I ordered a Miller Light. It came in a frosted mug, which kept it nice and cold. The mug was nicely shaped and a good weight. However, the mug was small and the shit inside the mug tasted like shit. But the ventilation was good and we were able to sit there more comfortably than in the previous place.

O'Connell's was next. With the biggest selection of draft beers of any of our stops tonight, O'Connell's ranked as our second favorite stop. We treated ourselves to Blue Moon, garnished with an orange slice. The pint glasses weren't chilled, but they were wet, and the beer, though not very tasty, was better than Miller Light. We also had some cheese fries to help with our hunger and to prevent us from becoming too fuzzy. Those were quite tasty, as well.

Old #9 was going to be our last stop. We walked in and it resembled The Other Place, except the country music blaring from the jukebox wasn't loud enough to drown out the teenage girls at the bar gossiping about how their friend had ended up being a (whispered) black baby momma. And she wasn't just momma to one (whispered) black baby, but many (whispered) black babies came from this baby momma. Noticing that there was no tap, I told the bar tender that we were going to have a couple of beers and what kinds did he have. He rattled off the extensive selection: Bud, Bud Light, Coors, Coors Light, Miller, Miller Light, Miller Genuine Draft, Select 55-- I told him we would have two of those. I had never had a Select 55, and I thought that it would be better to try something new that resign myself to drinking something that I knew was shit. So he served us two Select 55s, and I realized immediately that this was the beer being sold as the lightest light beer on the planet. With only 55 calories per bottle, you can bet that this particular ale is 100% fecal matter in a glass. Then I noticed the wall: a picture of G.W. Bush waving above a caption, "Miss Me Yet?", which was hung over a picture of Barack Obama upside-down with his nose growing long, a la Pinocchio, which was hung over a sign saying, "Socialism Is Just Un-American" and the "O" in "Socialism" was in the style of the "O" that our President used in his campaign. Then the jukebox played my favorite song, "Drinking Whiskey For God". That's when I told my wife to hurry up, we were leaving. The bartender was nice. When they lose him, Old #9 will have nothing going for it.

I didn't want to finish our night with that as our last stop, so we went to Bison Witches, which we've been to before and really enjoy. The service there is always nice and the atmosphere is good. Our draft beers were sunset wheat, and even though they were really bad, they were better than Select 55.

Then we went home, and my wife's back seized up again and I felt helpless again as I sat by and watched her scream in pain, unable to help relieve her agony. But I gotta keep myself focused on the bar-hopping with my best friend. My best lady. My best bride. My very best. When she's hurting, she's my best. When she's good, she's my best. She's my absolute best and I love her more and more everyday. And if this stupid pain in her back doesn't go away yesterday, I'm going to punch a kitten!