I think I'm starting to become more aware of how hurt I feel, and I don't like it.
It seems I'm hurt by a lot of things.
It seems that I'm pretty sensitive, and maybe I don't let people see that very often.
I dunno. Maybe I do.
I'd like to face my hurt, because I feel like that's how it goes away.
The more I close my eyes to it, the more it sticks around. Or so it seems.
I had to go onto the Facebook today to check on the power outage at my house. I had left my wife and son in the dark as I traveled to work this morning at 5:45, and I wanted to see if they had power. And the electric company is updating its status on Facebook, rather than its own website. Which is stupid. But not the point.
Jumping on Facebook, I learned that my house was still in the dark.
I also learned that a friend of mine is coming to town soon and wants to catch up.
Just reading that she wanted to catch up sent me into a mild anxiety attack.
Why??
Why the fuck is it so difficult for me to even think about catching up with an old friend that even the thought makes me want to run away?
And she's wanted to catch up for many years.
As has her sister.
And her folks.
And I have always run away from all of them.
Why?
So today, I didn't run away from thinking about it.
And the best answer I came up with is that I feel like I failed. At just about everything.
The one thing I didn't fail at, my marriage, I don't feel is interesting to anyone but me.
They don't get it, I think to myself. They don't understand love, they don't want to hear about True Love, for sure. They're all divorced and unhappy and don't care about me and my marriage and how it's really the only thing that keeps me going.
And that last part kinda stuck with me.
My marriage is the only thing really keeping me going.
I don't think that's healthy.
I feel like it's more healthy for me to have many things going for me, not just one.
But it's seriously difficult for me to think of anything more than just that one thing that is good in my life.
I haven't made kids, I haven't been able to protect my wife's kids or my wife from harm and considerable trauma, I haven't achieved financial wealth, I haven't achieved fame, I have become a Has Been Who Never Was in entertainment, blah blah blah.
What do I do?
I stay at home and hold my wife's hand.
And we talk about how this is healthy for us right now, as it is allowing us to heal from the years of ordeal.
So when I catch up with people, what do I say?
"I like holding my wife's hand for hours at a time because we were both traumatized for 8 solid years, her kids were caught in the middle of a traumatic war and sustained scars from the years of battle, I have an enormous mental issue compounded by this trauma, and I want to talk about it as much as cancer patients enjoy talking about their cancer. How are you doing?" At that point, I'm actively looking to escape questions or the focus of conversation.
This is uncomfortable for me.
I'll bet it would be uncomfortable for anyone else, too.
Especially people who have supported me as much as my old friend, or my old friend's sister, or my old friend's family. I often have tried to model my home life after how I felt when I went to their home, always welcome and no pretense or ceremony.
And I hate thinking of myself as a failure.
But I really hate having to tell people that I think of myself as a failure.
I'm not pretty like Ryan Reynolds (or anyone else).
Aesthetically and health wise, I fail.
I'm not smart like Stephen Hawking (or anyone else).
I don't have a doctorate, like 3/4 of my parents.
I don't even have a master's degree like 4/4 of my parents.
Intellectually and academically, I fail.
I don't have a successful business or substantial income.
I'm not as wealthy as my wife's ex-husband.
Financially, I failed my wife and me.
I'm not comfortable with the amount of money I make.
I haven't created people.
I haven't created art.
I haven't created anything.
Artistically and biologically, I've failed.
And I'm making plans to see a doctor about how I think I'm a failure too much and I get anxious when I think about my family coming under attack.
I'm useless.
I don't want to catch up with somebody just to tell them I'm useless.
My wife stays with me because she can see I'm trying to do something, trying to be somebody better. Somebody else.
She's banking on a future me that hasn't arrived yet.
Cuz this me isn't cool.
Did I feel this way in Detroit? I wasn't happy. I had a great job, but everything else was crappy. Now, I have a great wife, but everything else is kinda crappy. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I keep telling my son that he sees the world as negative because he keeps looking at the negative, and if he could just focus on the positive he would see that it's not all negative.
Yeah, kid. I'm not sure how to do that myself.
My mom used to do this thing with me.
Name three things that are good.
Okay, ma.
Let's try it.
1. my wife and marriage.
...ummmmm...
...ummmmm...
Like, the shit that comes to mind are things like "it's good that I have enough money to pay my taxes", which just makes me furious that I am as poor as I am and STILL need to pay taxes, so I feel like that one doesn't count.
And the more I try to think of good things, I have this HUGE voice YELLING at me. SCREAMING at me: "You're fat!! You're fucking fat!! You're fucking useless and fat and will die because you're a useless fat fuck!!" And that voice is really making it hard, impossible, to think about something good. Because I'm fat, the voice it right. And as I start to think about things that make me happy, I keep getting sidelined by this voice.
In my head, I've got this image in my head of me being on a football field. I'm holding a kickball, and my wife and mom are a few yards in front of me. "Come on," they encourage me. "Run the ball to the other side of the field." And I start out, and I'm pretty eager and excited to run the ball to the other end of the field. And then The Voice shows up, and he's a big, black tar monster. Really tall, really hot, really angry, really insistent. He pushes me out of bounds, and the ref blows his whistle and the game stops so that I can position myself back on the field. And The Voice sets up in front of me, with my wife and mother behind him, still encouraging me to move forward. The ref blows the whistle again, and I run one or two steps forward, and The Voice pushes me out of bounds again, stopping the game. So I set up again, and the same thing happens. And then I resign myself to understanding that I will progress down the field a little bit at a time. I'm moving forward one or two steps at a time every time I play, I'll make it to my wife and mother eventually at this pace. And The Voice seems to understand my thinking has changed, and so he starts pushing be backwards out of bounds, so that I no longer am progressing forward.
And I know that somehow The Voice is me.
I'm pushing me back.
But I don't know how to stop.
My wife lets go of things much better than I do.
We've talked about how great it would be if she could just tell me how to let go of things.
So far, though, she can't.
In the movie "Miss Congeniality", Sandra Bullock enters a beauty pageant and is hated by most of the contestants. At one point, she falls down some stairs publicly. And then she goes and gives the other contestants pizza one night, and then makes a joke about herself in front of them, and they start to accept her, and she stops feeling so bad. She gets a lot of power that way.
In the movie "8 Mile", Eminem ultimately wins his rap battle against the enemies by admitting he is every bad thing they're going to say about him. He says yes, I am white, I am a bum, I do live with my mom, I do have a friend who shot himself in his leg, I did get beaten up by all of your gang. And then he reveals a truth about his opponent. It is just the truth that his opponent went to private school and his opponent lives at home with his parents who have a good marriage. That's it. And by accepting the truth about himself and his opponent, he becomes powerful and everything starts to be better.
In the movie "Ghostbusters", Peter grabs some mucus in a Petri dish and puts a ghost in a box.
In the movie "Rocky", boxing happens.
I'm pretty sure those last two are pointless. I'm pretty sure making jokes is a way in which I alleviate tension in my body and head and help my brain cool down. Sometimes it gets so hot in my head.
I dunno. I don't want to catch up with anyone. But I kinda do. Wouldn't it be better if I could just catch up with her via email, where I could communicate whenever I wanted and I could just make a joke and evade a question if she asks about one of the 8,000 landmine topics that send me into anxiety attacks? Maybe I'll tell her that... I can't catch up when she comes to visit, but if you sit down and write me an email, I will read it and perhaps will respond with a non-committal joke. THAT sounds good.
I don't have anything to tell her right now.
"I love my wife and the rest of my life has a shit-ton of tape on it holding it together-- some parts better than others-- and I'm working on getting a direct trucking route built to my life so that I can get regular shipments of tape without the hassles of going through a third party. It's all commerce. You wouldn't understand. You're not a huge business tycoon mogul like me. I'm goddam Rockefeller."
I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
I gotta keep working so that I can keep my promotion and not lose it and go back to financial straits such as we've been living in for ever.
Friday, April 10, 2015
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Dangerous Faith
Faith--
belief that is not based on proof; the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.; belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/faith
Faith--
allegiance to duty or a person; belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion; firm belief in something for which there is no proof; without question.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/faith
The following is from http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/religious-faith:
“We should acknowledge God merciful, but not always for us comprehensible.”
“It is only by grace and hope in great God of wonders, we receive strength and vitality for everyday life.”
“Love God for who He is, not because He answers your prayers.”
The following is from http://www.reformation21.org/articles/faith-vs-religion.php
If you are a True Christian, then you have faith, which guides your thoughts and actions.
You have a belief in something that has no proof, which guides your thoughts and actions.
The more devout you are-- the "better Christian" you are-- then you have a stronger faith, believing more strongly than others in what has no proof.
You have a relationship, heart, mind, and will, with something or someone who does not answer you.
And in this absence, your belief grows.
Your faith grows.
The more absence there is, the better, because that gives you space to have more Faith.
To be a better Christian.
And this way in which we ignore the provable world in favor of an unprovable world must affect the way we deal with others as True Christians.
In this way, True Christians cannot think.
There would be deafening cognitive dissonance if they were to think.
**Cognitive dissonance: the mental stress that an individual has when he is confronted with new information conflicting with his existing beliefs.**
Examples of cognitive dissonance the thinking Christian might have:
Babies come from humans having sex AND from God.
God has no body, but he impregnated Mary.
God cannot open the Kingdom of Heaven for His creation, whom he made in his own image, without killing His only son publicly, and thereby acknowledging either His limitations or His unwillingness to forgive His creations for their sins, while opening up Paradise for those same sinners.
Examining our Faith is a sign that we do not truly have Faith, and this is handed down to us from religious leaders who are educated in an area of study dedicated to the examination of Faith.
But A True Christian does not think of these things.
A True Christian, as a member of a Christian group, has several options for dealing with these issues.
1. A True Christian will often control his environment by isolating himself from those who do not share his beliefs, including society at large, while surrounding himself with those who do share his beliefs.
2. A True Christian will manipulate experiences in order to demonstrate Divine authority, and coincidences are interpreted as omens or prophecies. For example, (http://newsbusters.org/blogs/katie-yoder/2014/12/09/hollywood-conversion-angelina-jolie-drops-knees-prayer-unbroken-set) Angelina Jolie recently directed the movie "Unbroken", about a man who was religious. During the filming, a story was made public about a time when there was rain when there should not have been rain. Jolie, who is not a religious person, decided to take the actions of the religious hero of her movie, dropping to her knees and praying to God. At which point, it stopped raining, and she was able to continue shooting. The natural phenomenon of rain stopping was a sign from God, and a True Christian can see that.
3. A True Christian will often demand purity, seeing the world as a black-and-white Us vs. Them scenario where you are deemed dirty if you are not part of the perfection of the Christian group. Guilt and shame are often used here. Sex is often a subject of this guilt and shame.
4. A True Christian confesses his sins, either publicly or privately.
5. A True Christian knows that his doctrine is the Ultimate Truth, and it and the leaders of that doctrine are outside the realm of criticism. The Pope is infallible.
6. A True Christian uses cliches to quell cognitive dissonance. These cliches are used to stop conversations with others who are trying to make them think or debate their beliefs. These cliches are generally accepted pieces of culture in certain cases, but are used by the True Christian to dismiss dissent, justify fallacious logic, and allow the True Christian to continue without challenge from most of society. Some examples of these cliches are:
7. A True Christian believes in doctrine over person, denying any personal experience that does not align with the doctrine, or reinterpreting that experience so that it aligns with doctrine.
8. A True Christian can determine who exists and who doesn't. This is usually not literal-- though not always-- and usually means that those outside Christianity are unenlightened, unconscious, and must be saved through conversion to the doctrine of the True Christian. If they do not accept the doctrine of the True Christian, they are rejected by the True Christian as well as the others in the Christian group. Therefore, the outside world loses credibility.
The above is taken from "Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism: A Study of Brainwashing in China", a nonfiction book written by Robert Jay Lifton about the psychology of brainwashing and mind control. It was not written about Christians. It was written about brainwashing in China. It completely fits into a True Christian belief.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thought_Reform_and_the_Psychology_of_Totalism:_A_Study_of_%22Brainwashing%22_in_China
I am a True Christian.
I believe strongly in things that cannot be proved.
I act towards others in accordance with these beliefs.
My beliefs allow me to control who exists and who does not.
I dismiss those who do not share my beliefs.
Sometimes, I dismiss those who do not share my beliefs by killing them.
Some Christians believe God is the only deity.
Some Christians believe that God and Jesus can only be prayed to by priests, and Mary is a saint.
Some Christians believe birthday parties are evil.
And those killable differences happen within a group that, fundamentally, believes in the same thing.
Imagine how easy you would be for them to dismiss if you don't believe what they believe.
Like if you were to say Jesus was a Jew and not a Christian.
Or that The New Testament, our primary source for information about Jesus, was written by individuals who lived 70 years after the death of Jesus and had never met Jesus personally or met anyone who had met Jesus personally.
Or that Jesus might have had a hallucination while being crucified that he was married and lived a normal human life.
belief that is not based on proof; the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.; belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/faith
Faith--
allegiance to duty or a person; belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion; firm belief in something for which there is no proof; without question.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/faith
The following is from http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/religious-faith:
“We should acknowledge God merciful, but not always for us comprehensible.”
“It is only by grace and hope in great God of wonders, we receive strength and vitality for everyday life.”
“Love God for who He is, not because He answers your prayers.”
The following is from http://www.reformation21.org/articles/faith-vs-religion.php
But as we consider the word belief, or faith, in its fullest biblical sense, we see that the word implies God's gracious act of giving and our humble act of receiving and resting on Christ alone, which involves our entire being: the heart, the mind, and the will.
...Although we use the word belief in conjunction with all areas of human experience, usually when we use the word it is in the context of religious belief. The word "religious," however, and all its derivatives, has fallen on hard times recently due largely to its longtime inappropriate use among those who understood neither the true Christian religion nor the genuine relationship with Christ by faith alone on which all Christian doctrine is established. Thus, preferring to emphasize their personal relationship with Christ over and against the religion that comes as a necessary and appropriate consequence of that relationship, many Christians, with the best intentions, have relegated their faith to one area of life rather than allowing their faith to overflow into every area of life, which is the essential nature of faith itself--to encompass all of life by acknowledging, affirming, and applying the Christian doctrine we believe, confess, and proclaim.
...What we believe inescapably influences what we think, what we do, and even our motives of why and how we think it and do it. Those Christians who try to isolate their doctrine to their intellects so that it doesn't interfere with their daily lives are attempting the impossible. Either they do not possess true faith in Christ alone, or they will find that their doctrine refuses to be confined and instead begins to spread into all of life--from their hearts, to their souls, to their minds, and with all their strength. Mark Dever points out that if our religion is genuine, it will naturally affect everything, including our care for others as well: "If our religion is real, if our faith is saving, it not only affects our actions, but affects our actions towards others... Real religion cannot remain simply a 'vertical thing' between me and God. It must affect the way I deal with others."
If you are a True Christian, then you have faith, which guides your thoughts and actions.
You have a belief in something that has no proof, which guides your thoughts and actions.
The more devout you are-- the "better Christian" you are-- then you have a stronger faith, believing more strongly than others in what has no proof.
You have a relationship, heart, mind, and will, with something or someone who does not answer you.
And in this absence, your belief grows.
Your faith grows.
The more absence there is, the better, because that gives you space to have more Faith.
To be a better Christian.
And this way in which we ignore the provable world in favor of an unprovable world must affect the way we deal with others as True Christians.
In this way, True Christians cannot think.
There would be deafening cognitive dissonance if they were to think.
**Cognitive dissonance: the mental stress that an individual has when he is confronted with new information conflicting with his existing beliefs.**
Examples of cognitive dissonance the thinking Christian might have:
Babies come from humans having sex AND from God.
God has no body, but he impregnated Mary.
God cannot open the Kingdom of Heaven for His creation, whom he made in his own image, without killing His only son publicly, and thereby acknowledging either His limitations or His unwillingness to forgive His creations for their sins, while opening up Paradise for those same sinners.
Examining our Faith is a sign that we do not truly have Faith, and this is handed down to us from religious leaders who are educated in an area of study dedicated to the examination of Faith.
But A True Christian does not think of these things.
A True Christian, as a member of a Christian group, has several options for dealing with these issues.
1. A True Christian will often control his environment by isolating himself from those who do not share his beliefs, including society at large, while surrounding himself with those who do share his beliefs.
2. A True Christian will manipulate experiences in order to demonstrate Divine authority, and coincidences are interpreted as omens or prophecies. For example, (http://newsbusters.org/blogs/katie-yoder/2014/12/09/hollywood-conversion-angelina-jolie-drops-knees-prayer-unbroken-set) Angelina Jolie recently directed the movie "Unbroken", about a man who was religious. During the filming, a story was made public about a time when there was rain when there should not have been rain. Jolie, who is not a religious person, decided to take the actions of the religious hero of her movie, dropping to her knees and praying to God. At which point, it stopped raining, and she was able to continue shooting. The natural phenomenon of rain stopping was a sign from God, and a True Christian can see that.
3. A True Christian will often demand purity, seeing the world as a black-and-white Us vs. Them scenario where you are deemed dirty if you are not part of the perfection of the Christian group. Guilt and shame are often used here. Sex is often a subject of this guilt and shame.
4. A True Christian confesses his sins, either publicly or privately.
5. A True Christian knows that his doctrine is the Ultimate Truth, and it and the leaders of that doctrine are outside the realm of criticism. The Pope is infallible.
6. A True Christian uses cliches to quell cognitive dissonance. These cliches are used to stop conversations with others who are trying to make them think or debate their beliefs. These cliches are generally accepted pieces of culture in certain cases, but are used by the True Christian to dismiss dissent, justify fallacious logic, and allow the True Christian to continue without challenge from most of society. Some examples of these cliches are:
- God works in mysterious ways
- Everything happens for a reason
- Who do you think you are?
- Don't judge
- You win some, you lose some
- We've already had this conversation
- Everyone is entitled to their opinion
- Can't we just drop it and get along? (used to stop an ongoing debate)
- Whatever. Who cares?
- It's a matter of opinion
- It's all relative
- We will have to agree to disagree
- That's just your feelings
- Where there's smoke, there's fire (used to convince others that a person is guilty based on hearsay and discourage further examination of evidence)
- The more you argue, the less we believe you
- People are going to do what they want
- For security reasons
- The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Job 1:21
- Support the troops
- Think of the children
7. A True Christian believes in doctrine over person, denying any personal experience that does not align with the doctrine, or reinterpreting that experience so that it aligns with doctrine.
8. A True Christian can determine who exists and who doesn't. This is usually not literal-- though not always-- and usually means that those outside Christianity are unenlightened, unconscious, and must be saved through conversion to the doctrine of the True Christian. If they do not accept the doctrine of the True Christian, they are rejected by the True Christian as well as the others in the Christian group. Therefore, the outside world loses credibility.
The above is taken from "Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism: A Study of Brainwashing in China", a nonfiction book written by Robert Jay Lifton about the psychology of brainwashing and mind control. It was not written about Christians. It was written about brainwashing in China. It completely fits into a True Christian belief.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thought_Reform_and_the_Psychology_of_Totalism:_A_Study_of_%22Brainwashing%22_in_China
I am a True Christian.
I believe strongly in things that cannot be proved.
I act towards others in accordance with these beliefs.
My beliefs allow me to control who exists and who does not.
I dismiss those who do not share my beliefs.
Sometimes, I dismiss those who do not share my beliefs by killing them.
Some Christians believe God is the only deity.
Some Christians believe that God and Jesus can only be prayed to by priests, and Mary is a saint.
Some Christians believe birthday parties are evil.
And those killable differences happen within a group that, fundamentally, believes in the same thing.
Imagine how easy you would be for them to dismiss if you don't believe what they believe.
Like if you were to say Jesus was a Jew and not a Christian.
Or that The New Testament, our primary source for information about Jesus, was written by individuals who lived 70 years after the death of Jesus and had never met Jesus personally or met anyone who had met Jesus personally.
Or that Jesus might have had a hallucination while being crucified that he was married and lived a normal human life.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Very Good Rain
Must note this all!
Monday, 3/30/15, the week started.
The next day...
Tuesday, 3/31/15, my son got a job and he's super excited about it after trying to get a job for several months and feeling stuck.
The next day...
Wednesday, 4/1/15, my friend from out of town arrived to stay in our home, and I found $5 on the floor of Little Caesar's Pizza when I went to pick up dinner for all of us.
The next day...
Thursday, 4/2/15, I was offered a promotion with a significant raise that I had been trying to get for over a year, which I accepted.
The next day...
Friday, 4/3/15, my wife won a contest, and her prize is a free art class valued at over $100 with 21 different instructors.
THIS HAS BEEN AN AMAZING WEEK! What a joy to have this week happen. What a tremendous scrumptious to have this week happen. Just feels like I can breathe again, and my body is smiling all over itself! THANK YOU!!!!
Monday, 3/30/15, the week started.
The next day...
Tuesday, 3/31/15, my son got a job and he's super excited about it after trying to get a job for several months and feeling stuck.
The next day...
Wednesday, 4/1/15, my friend from out of town arrived to stay in our home, and I found $5 on the floor of Little Caesar's Pizza when I went to pick up dinner for all of us.
The next day...
Thursday, 4/2/15, I was offered a promotion with a significant raise that I had been trying to get for over a year, which I accepted.
The next day...
Friday, 4/3/15, my wife won a contest, and her prize is a free art class valued at over $100 with 21 different instructors.
THIS HAS BEEN AN AMAZING WEEK! What a joy to have this week happen. What a tremendous scrumptious to have this week happen. Just feels like I can breathe again, and my body is smiling all over itself! THANK YOU!!!!
Monday, March 30, 2015
Just Last Week Pompeii Was Covered In Ash
There are pictures of people who were killed by the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius thousands of years ago in the city of Pompeii. Their bodies are well preserved, not having been completed destroyed in the eruption. Scientists believe they were kept as well as they were because they were quickly covered in ash and pumice, and then sheltered from air and moisture for years. They were completely cut off from all the things which naturally destroy humans by the thing that actually destroyed them.
Recently, I was listening to my iPod at work, and "Journey Into Sound" by the X-ecutioners started playing. One of the best shows I wrote and performed in used this song heavily. Our musical director was in charge of transition music, music used between the scenes to fill the time, usually no more than 10 seconds of music, and if we really had a tight, good show, those pieces of music wouldn't be any longer than 7 seconds. He really liked the song "Journey Into Sound" because it had many distinct parts to the song, and he was able to edit out about five different pieces of transition music that didn't sound like they had all come from the same song. He was even concerned about this, and asked me if he was "cheating" by using the same song five different times in the same show. I told him I didn't think he was, as it really didn't matter if he used the exact same transition five different times as long as the transition was right, and since his five pieces of transition didn't even sorta sound like the same song, I thought he could go to bed without fear of somebody accusing him of cheating. I loved that show we built together. It was so good. So funny. Audiences and critics loved it. And, as it turned out, it was the last all original show in the downtown Detroit theatre that had been there for over ten years.
Thinking about it now, and every time I do, makes me cry. I'm not sure why.
Back to the story... so my iPod played this song, and I started writing an email to my former musical director. I told him about how I missed my time at the theatre, working with him and some of our mutual friends. I missed working with his wife and I missed doing the work. That work was really wonderful. I told him that I wouldn't change marrying my wife for anything in the world, but that I really, really longed to work in that capacity, in that environment, and with that kind of person again, and I was afraid that it was a unique experience that I might not be able to find anywhere else. I was crying when I wrote the email. I was very emotional. And I was a little shocked when I realized the last time I worked for that theatre was almost 10 years ago now. I couldn't believe it had been almost 10 years. What in the world had happened to 10 years?
I got an email back from him. It was a little less desperate, less emotional, less longing. He didn't love that theatre as much as I did, although he worked there almost as long as I did.
Since working at the theatre, he's had a son. He and his wife had been trying to have a kid for many years without luck. They finally made a person, and they seem quite happy.
Since working in the theatre, my wife and I have been isolated, cut off from much of life.
It made me think of the people of Pompeii. She and I got trapped under volcanic ash and pumice, shielding us from air and moisture, except we didn't die. So thousands of years later, my wife and I emerge from the ash to find a world that is new and strange, and our minds are still back when the ash first fell.
It was 10 years ago, but in my mind, I last worked at that theatre last week. Just last week...
Recently, I was listening to my iPod at work, and "Journey Into Sound" by the X-ecutioners started playing. One of the best shows I wrote and performed in used this song heavily. Our musical director was in charge of transition music, music used between the scenes to fill the time, usually no more than 10 seconds of music, and if we really had a tight, good show, those pieces of music wouldn't be any longer than 7 seconds. He really liked the song "Journey Into Sound" because it had many distinct parts to the song, and he was able to edit out about five different pieces of transition music that didn't sound like they had all come from the same song. He was even concerned about this, and asked me if he was "cheating" by using the same song five different times in the same show. I told him I didn't think he was, as it really didn't matter if he used the exact same transition five different times as long as the transition was right, and since his five pieces of transition didn't even sorta sound like the same song, I thought he could go to bed without fear of somebody accusing him of cheating. I loved that show we built together. It was so good. So funny. Audiences and critics loved it. And, as it turned out, it was the last all original show in the downtown Detroit theatre that had been there for over ten years.
Thinking about it now, and every time I do, makes me cry. I'm not sure why.
Back to the story... so my iPod played this song, and I started writing an email to my former musical director. I told him about how I missed my time at the theatre, working with him and some of our mutual friends. I missed working with his wife and I missed doing the work. That work was really wonderful. I told him that I wouldn't change marrying my wife for anything in the world, but that I really, really longed to work in that capacity, in that environment, and with that kind of person again, and I was afraid that it was a unique experience that I might not be able to find anywhere else. I was crying when I wrote the email. I was very emotional. And I was a little shocked when I realized the last time I worked for that theatre was almost 10 years ago now. I couldn't believe it had been almost 10 years. What in the world had happened to 10 years?
I got an email back from him. It was a little less desperate, less emotional, less longing. He didn't love that theatre as much as I did, although he worked there almost as long as I did.
Since working at the theatre, he's had a son. He and his wife had been trying to have a kid for many years without luck. They finally made a person, and they seem quite happy.
Since working in the theatre, my wife and I have been isolated, cut off from much of life.
It made me think of the people of Pompeii. She and I got trapped under volcanic ash and pumice, shielding us from air and moisture, except we didn't die. So thousands of years later, my wife and I emerge from the ash to find a world that is new and strange, and our minds are still back when the ash first fell.
It was 10 years ago, but in my mind, I last worked at that theatre last week. Just last week...
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Weird Head Conversation
i was just involved in a weird conversation in my head. some jerkwater came up to me and said, "why are you with your wife? you could have sex with anyone, so that's not it. and there are lots of beautiful people, so that's not it. what is it that she gives you that nobody else does?"
and then i started talking, kinda matter-of-fact-ly.
i like her. she's my friend. we fit together. why does one person become your friend and another person doesn't? i guess there's some kind of mutual insanity between you two where you both like each other enough to put up with the other person's crap. everybody's got crap, and everybody's got whatever the opposite of crap is, and i guess my wife and i have good opposite of crap together. we have fun. i trust her. i feel good when i'm with her and i don't really want to be anywhere except where she is. i guess i don't really know why i'm with my wife other than to say i want to be. how do you know you want chocolate ice cream rather than strawberry? there's no reason other than you just want chocolate. and i guess the trick is finding somebody you're pretty sure you're gonna want always. if i had to pick one kind of ice cream for the rest of my life, i'd pick my wife. except you don't have to, if you do it right. there are lots of ice creams, lot of different chocolates, maybe even a lot of different flavors of strawberry. but there's only one my wife. i don't have to pick just one flavor. i just gotta pick one wife. and there are only a few select things that you share with your wife that you don't share with anyone else, and a few of those things you said i couldn't use as reasons for being with my wife. yeah, i could have sex with anyone, but i don't want to. and yeah, there are lots of beautiful people in the world, but i like my beautiful wife most. it might be easier for me to know that i really want her because i went without her for so long. sorta like if you sold all your childhood toys in a garage sale. if you don't think about any of them, you probably did the right thing to sell them all. if you think about one of them a lot but you're okay with being without it, you still probably made the right choice. if somebody came into your home while you were having that garage sale and stole your favorite girlfriend, and then you discovered she was stolen from you and then for 17 years you pined and searched for her and never stopped thinking about her it might be easier to tell if she's your favorite or not. hell, there have been some girlfriend's i've had that i couldn't stand to be in the same room with for more than 5 minutes. she left for 17 years and i didn't want to be without her at any time during that time. now she's back. i don't want to be anywhere she's not. for whatever that's worth. i think the short, most honest answer is that i want to be with her. and i hope she wants to be with me, too. and if she doesn't, i'll be really sad. and i'll be really happy that i had this time with her. and i don't even want to think about that if i don't have to. cuz i'm with her now. and it's good for me. and that's why i'm with her.
and then that jerkwater goes away on the subway. and i'm happy that i live in a place with a subway.
and then i started talking, kinda matter-of-fact-ly.
i like her. she's my friend. we fit together. why does one person become your friend and another person doesn't? i guess there's some kind of mutual insanity between you two where you both like each other enough to put up with the other person's crap. everybody's got crap, and everybody's got whatever the opposite of crap is, and i guess my wife and i have good opposite of crap together. we have fun. i trust her. i feel good when i'm with her and i don't really want to be anywhere except where she is. i guess i don't really know why i'm with my wife other than to say i want to be. how do you know you want chocolate ice cream rather than strawberry? there's no reason other than you just want chocolate. and i guess the trick is finding somebody you're pretty sure you're gonna want always. if i had to pick one kind of ice cream for the rest of my life, i'd pick my wife. except you don't have to, if you do it right. there are lots of ice creams, lot of different chocolates, maybe even a lot of different flavors of strawberry. but there's only one my wife. i don't have to pick just one flavor. i just gotta pick one wife. and there are only a few select things that you share with your wife that you don't share with anyone else, and a few of those things you said i couldn't use as reasons for being with my wife. yeah, i could have sex with anyone, but i don't want to. and yeah, there are lots of beautiful people in the world, but i like my beautiful wife most. it might be easier for me to know that i really want her because i went without her for so long. sorta like if you sold all your childhood toys in a garage sale. if you don't think about any of them, you probably did the right thing to sell them all. if you think about one of them a lot but you're okay with being without it, you still probably made the right choice. if somebody came into your home while you were having that garage sale and stole your favorite girlfriend, and then you discovered she was stolen from you and then for 17 years you pined and searched for her and never stopped thinking about her it might be easier to tell if she's your favorite or not. hell, there have been some girlfriend's i've had that i couldn't stand to be in the same room with for more than 5 minutes. she left for 17 years and i didn't want to be without her at any time during that time. now she's back. i don't want to be anywhere she's not. for whatever that's worth. i think the short, most honest answer is that i want to be with her. and i hope she wants to be with me, too. and if she doesn't, i'll be really sad. and i'll be really happy that i had this time with her. and i don't even want to think about that if i don't have to. cuz i'm with her now. and it's good for me. and that's why i'm with her.
and then that jerkwater goes away on the subway. and i'm happy that i live in a place with a subway.
i want to vomit everything
i want to vomit all the time
vomit everything
vomit everyone i see, hear, smell
they are all putrid
food is sickening
air is thick and gags me
every step is harder to make
some thick gel is holding my feet every time i try to move forward
i use my stomach to move
and it hurts everything else
i want to vomit everything
i can't seem to stop taking in the illnesses
and everything makes me sick
i want to vomit all the time
i want to vomit everything
i've had enough
and i can't keep it down anymore
two fingers down my throat won't help
won't be enough
will only make it worse
there isn't any relief from these sicknesses
they keep filling me up and i have no relief
i have no repause
i have no response
i can only want to vomit everything
because i can't vomit everything
Antidisestablishmentarianism and the Bigot
I've tried twice to get my name removed from the email club I got involved in at work. My wife didn't understand why I had gotten involved in the first place, and I reminded her that I had wanted to make friends, and when I was asked I was told that it was just a group of guys at work sending emails to each other and that my opinions would stimulate conversation. I liked that idea. And I wanted to put myself out there and make new friends.
Then I became a part of it. When they weren't talking about sports or how awesome sports were or who was the next big thing in sports or why sports did the sports or football football football totally-non-latent-homosexual-football, they were talking about politics. I was quickly made aware that I was very alone in this group, perhaps feeling even more alone than I did before being invited into a group of people who were so dissimilar from me.
I asked to be removed from the email list, and I thought I had been removed, as I didn't get any emails for some time. Then, suddenly, I was re-included. I was doing okay, just ignoring their emails, deleting them before I actually read them. But sometimes things happen and I end up reading what they are saying.
And since I'm not alone because I have YOU, blog, I'm going to share with you what they shared with me. Aren't you lucky??
From my email chain:
From: [1]
Sent: Wednesday, March 18, 2015 4:06 PM
To:
Subject: joke?
https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/students-protest-after-principals-racist-comment-113972837367.html?soc_src=mail&soc_trk=ma
Was he joking?
From: [2]
Sent: Wednesday, March 18, 2015 4:20 PM
To:
Subject: RE: joke?
Just more of someone’s 1st amendment right lost, being taped secretly in a private conversation.
Okay, let's take a second, since we're here.
No one has had their 1st amendment rights taken away. If you read the article, the man was clearly allowed to say what he said, so he retained his freedom of speech. What is happening is something called "consequences", which happen because of actions. Or, if "consequences" is too negative for you, what is happening is "re-action". One man said something, and some others re-acted to what he said. 1st Amendment still in tact. Then, "being taped secretly in a private conversation" goes completely against what the article says when it says it's unclear if the principal who uttered the racist comments knew he was being recorded or not. It is also unclear if he was joking or not. He was also with a group of students. It certainly wasn't private, and it might not have even been recorded secretly. So his entire response is to empathize for, at best, a man who made a crass joke and, at worst, a racist in charge of the education and mental stimulation of our children. Let's continue, shall we????
From: [1]
Sent: Wednesday, March 18, 2015 4:26 PM
To:
Subject: RE: joke?
He was on school property. There are no private conversations on school property. He wasn’t thrown in jail, so his 1st amendment rights were not lost. It’s no different than if you decided to go cuss out [our boss] in her office. They could fire you but they couldn’t throw you in jail unless you threatened her. 1st amendment rights are a legal issue.
From: [2]
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2015 6:27 AM
To:
Subject: RE: joke?
wrong
What kind of horseshit response is this??? First the guy emails something entirely incorrect, then he's corrected by 100% correct information, and then he comes back with "wrong", without anything else?????? What the fuck, are we in kindergarten here?! Who fucking does that?! These are all supposed to be adults who have some kind of schooling!! What is this fucking shit??!!
From: [3]
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2015 6:57 AM
To:
Subject: RE: joke?
You right [2] I agree a BIGOT has every right to be a Bigot,,,,,, It is what this country is about. The pursuit of happiness. But the Racist idiot don’t have the equal liberty to spew his vile ideologies over others in a captive audience. Hate who you want on your own time and Dime. We have the right to shun this Bigot also it is our First amendment. Which by the way is not a Free pass of idionism.
This is closer to what I would call an intelligent response. But it still isn't an intelligent response just because I *want* it to be intelligent. "...a BIGOT has every right to be a Bigot,,,,,, It is what this country is about." Our country is about bigots having the right to be bigots? I suppose, in a limited kind of way, sure, we all should have the right to be what we want in this country, as long as it doesn't infringe on the rights of others, so perhaps that was what he was trying to say. "The pursuit of happiness". Um, what? If anything, having the right to be a bigot would fall under the "liberty" part of "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness". And racists DO have equal liberty to spew vile ideologies over others. Now, if his audience is, in fact, captive, then no, he doesn't have the same rights. But as long as there's a door and the freedom to walk out that door, technically, nobody is captive there. And while I admire the creation of the word "idionism", it's hard to say, hard to read, and even though the intention is clear, there are other words that he could have created which would've gotten that intention across better. No points off for the attempt, though.
**Worthy Of Note: while looking up "idionism" (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/idiotism), a video popped up on the side of the page on the dictionary website and asked me what the longest word in the Merriam Webster dictionary was. I turned into this video, because as a child my father would impress me with his knowledge when he would tell me that the longest word in the English language was "antidisestablishmentarianism". When asked what it meant, he would kinda hem and haw about it's definition, but he was certain that it was the longest word in the English language, and I was impressed with his knowledge as well as this big word. When I asked him about "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious", he would tell me that didn't count, because it wasn't a word. I bought that answer. Years later I've come to realize that most of the knowledge my father passed down to me was wrong, really wrong, or statistics, and much (if not all) of what he taught me has done more harm than good, and I have been better off throwing away much of his musings rather than holding on to any of it. So when this video popped up, I was eager to see what somebody on the dictionary payroll had to say about my father's knowledge. Turns out, according to Merriam Webster, "electroencephalographically" is the longest word in their dictionary. I'm making this a point because my father told me that "antidisestablishmentarianism" was the longest word in the English language, not in the dictionary, and Merriam Webster makes it a point to differentiate between the two. According to their video, a word will be entered into their dictionary based on 3 criterion: 1. widespread usage; 2. sustained usage; 3. meaningful usage. Antidisestablishmentarianism falls short on the third point, as it's widespread and sustained usage are almost solely based on it's length, and the way in which the word is most often used is as an example of a long word, which, according to the dictionary people, isn't "meaningful". Over the last 100 years, they could only find 3 examples of anyone using the word for anything other than an example of a long word. So, according to the video, if people simply would use the word in a meaningful way, it would be added to the dictionary and then become the longest word in the dictionary. Unless, says the video, people do the same thing with "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious", in which case, that will become the longest word in the dictionary. So yeah, "antidisestablishmentarianism" might be the longest word in the English language, but only if you count words that have no meaningful usage, in which case you really should count "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious". So if you include "antidisestablishmentarianism", you must also include "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious", making "antidisestablishmentarianism" no longer the longest word in the English language or dictionary. So if you include my father's word you need to include my word, making me right and him wrong. And if you don't include my father's word, he's still wrong. So he was wrong no matter which way you look at it. And yet he walked away from that encounter cocky and self-important, like he walked away from just about every encounter, high on his own stupidity. So, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that my father is an idion, always has been, and I'm best without any of his idionisms.**
I have sent another email to my group asking them to remove me from their reindeer games. Hopefully this will work and you won't have to sit through another one of these entries, Blog.
Blog.
Blog.
blog.
what a horrible word.
ugly.
stupid sounding.
you're deserving of a better word to label you.
Maybe someday I'll care enough to give you a better name.
Then I became a part of it. When they weren't talking about sports or how awesome sports were or who was the next big thing in sports or why sports did the sports or football football football totally-non-latent-homosexual-football, they were talking about politics. I was quickly made aware that I was very alone in this group, perhaps feeling even more alone than I did before being invited into a group of people who were so dissimilar from me.
I asked to be removed from the email list, and I thought I had been removed, as I didn't get any emails for some time. Then, suddenly, I was re-included. I was doing okay, just ignoring their emails, deleting them before I actually read them. But sometimes things happen and I end up reading what they are saying.
And since I'm not alone because I have YOU, blog, I'm going to share with you what they shared with me. Aren't you lucky??
From my email chain:
From: [1]
Sent: Wednesday, March 18, 2015 4:06 PM
To:
Subject: joke?
https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/students-protest-after-principals-racist-comment-113972837367.html?soc_src=mail&soc_trk=ma
Was he joking?
From: [2]
Sent: Wednesday, March 18, 2015 4:20 PM
To:
Subject: RE: joke?
Just more of someone’s 1st amendment right lost, being taped secretly in a private conversation.
Okay, let's take a second, since we're here.
No one has had their 1st amendment rights taken away. If you read the article, the man was clearly allowed to say what he said, so he retained his freedom of speech. What is happening is something called "consequences", which happen because of actions. Or, if "consequences" is too negative for you, what is happening is "re-action". One man said something, and some others re-acted to what he said. 1st Amendment still in tact. Then, "being taped secretly in a private conversation" goes completely against what the article says when it says it's unclear if the principal who uttered the racist comments knew he was being recorded or not. It is also unclear if he was joking or not. He was also with a group of students. It certainly wasn't private, and it might not have even been recorded secretly. So his entire response is to empathize for, at best, a man who made a crass joke and, at worst, a racist in charge of the education and mental stimulation of our children. Let's continue, shall we????
From: [1]
Sent: Wednesday, March 18, 2015 4:26 PM
To:
Subject: RE: joke?
He was on school property. There are no private conversations on school property. He wasn’t thrown in jail, so his 1st amendment rights were not lost. It’s no different than if you decided to go cuss out [our boss] in her office. They could fire you but they couldn’t throw you in jail unless you threatened her. 1st amendment rights are a legal issue.
From: [2]
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2015 6:27 AM
To:
Subject: RE: joke?
wrong
What kind of horseshit response is this??? First the guy emails something entirely incorrect, then he's corrected by 100% correct information, and then he comes back with "wrong", without anything else?????? What the fuck, are we in kindergarten here?! Who fucking does that?! These are all supposed to be adults who have some kind of schooling!! What is this fucking shit??!!
From: [3]
Sent: Thursday, March 19, 2015 6:57 AM
To:
Subject: RE: joke?
You right [2] I agree a BIGOT has every right to be a Bigot,,,,,, It is what this country is about. The pursuit of happiness. But the Racist idiot don’t have the equal liberty to spew his vile ideologies over others in a captive audience. Hate who you want on your own time and Dime. We have the right to shun this Bigot also it is our First amendment. Which by the way is not a Free pass of idionism.
This is closer to what I would call an intelligent response. But it still isn't an intelligent response just because I *want* it to be intelligent. "...a BIGOT has every right to be a Bigot,,,,,, It is what this country is about." Our country is about bigots having the right to be bigots? I suppose, in a limited kind of way, sure, we all should have the right to be what we want in this country, as long as it doesn't infringe on the rights of others, so perhaps that was what he was trying to say. "The pursuit of happiness". Um, what? If anything, having the right to be a bigot would fall under the "liberty" part of "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness". And racists DO have equal liberty to spew vile ideologies over others. Now, if his audience is, in fact, captive, then no, he doesn't have the same rights. But as long as there's a door and the freedom to walk out that door, technically, nobody is captive there. And while I admire the creation of the word "idionism", it's hard to say, hard to read, and even though the intention is clear, there are other words that he could have created which would've gotten that intention across better. No points off for the attempt, though.
**Worthy Of Note: while looking up "idionism" (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/idiotism), a video popped up on the side of the page on the dictionary website and asked me what the longest word in the Merriam Webster dictionary was. I turned into this video, because as a child my father would impress me with his knowledge when he would tell me that the longest word in the English language was "antidisestablishmentarianism". When asked what it meant, he would kinda hem and haw about it's definition, but he was certain that it was the longest word in the English language, and I was impressed with his knowledge as well as this big word. When I asked him about "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious", he would tell me that didn't count, because it wasn't a word. I bought that answer. Years later I've come to realize that most of the knowledge my father passed down to me was wrong, really wrong, or statistics, and much (if not all) of what he taught me has done more harm than good, and I have been better off throwing away much of his musings rather than holding on to any of it. So when this video popped up, I was eager to see what somebody on the dictionary payroll had to say about my father's knowledge. Turns out, according to Merriam Webster, "electroencephalographically" is the longest word in their dictionary. I'm making this a point because my father told me that "antidisestablishmentarianism" was the longest word in the English language, not in the dictionary, and Merriam Webster makes it a point to differentiate between the two. According to their video, a word will be entered into their dictionary based on 3 criterion: 1. widespread usage; 2. sustained usage; 3. meaningful usage. Antidisestablishmentarianism falls short on the third point, as it's widespread and sustained usage are almost solely based on it's length, and the way in which the word is most often used is as an example of a long word, which, according to the dictionary people, isn't "meaningful". Over the last 100 years, they could only find 3 examples of anyone using the word for anything other than an example of a long word. So, according to the video, if people simply would use the word in a meaningful way, it would be added to the dictionary and then become the longest word in the dictionary. Unless, says the video, people do the same thing with "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious", in which case, that will become the longest word in the dictionary. So yeah, "antidisestablishmentarianism" might be the longest word in the English language, but only if you count words that have no meaningful usage, in which case you really should count "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious". So if you include "antidisestablishmentarianism", you must also include "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious", making "antidisestablishmentarianism" no longer the longest word in the English language or dictionary. So if you include my father's word you need to include my word, making me right and him wrong. And if you don't include my father's word, he's still wrong. So he was wrong no matter which way you look at it. And yet he walked away from that encounter cocky and self-important, like he walked away from just about every encounter, high on his own stupidity. So, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that my father is an idion, always has been, and I'm best without any of his idionisms.**
I have sent another email to my group asking them to remove me from their reindeer games. Hopefully this will work and you won't have to sit through another one of these entries, Blog.
Blog.
Blog.
blog.
what a horrible word.
ugly.
stupid sounding.
you're deserving of a better word to label you.
Maybe someday I'll care enough to give you a better name.
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