sliding

i'm sliding
sliding down
down
down
i don't know
i'm sliding down
and down i go

i look around
i don't see what i see
i get a grip
that's when i slip

and slide
slide down
sliding down

i heard you say up
i saw my feet down
i heard you behind me
nowhere to be found
now i get a grip
but it all slips

sliding
i'm sliding
i'm sliding down
i don't know where i go
i don't know

maybe one of these
will be the last time i'm seen
maybe you'll find me
lost in the scene
lost in the air
lost on the ground
how will you know
if i'm lost or i'm found

i'm sliding
sliding down
here i go
i don't know
slow sliding
sliding
sliding down

Call Daren!

Goddammit!
Call motherfucking Daren!
Your arm hurts, and he can help you, and it doesn't cost you any money to see him!
So just call him now!

News Blackout

I haven't listened to NPR in a while. Maybe a week.
I don't know what's going on with my president.
I don't know what's going on with the oil spill, or Iran's nuclear capability, or Korea's fight with Korea, or the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. I do know that the general has been replaced because he said negative things about the war effort and those running it in a Rolling Stone interview, but I didn't actively seek out that knowledge.
I don't know how the primary elections are going.
I don't know how the economy is doing.
I don't know any of that.
I haven't gone online to read anything at NPR.org.
I haven't listening to the radio.
I haven't downloaded a Podcast in quite some time. Maybe weeks. Possibly a month.
I haven't seen anything.
I haven't read anything.
I haven't listened to anything.
I haven't even watched "The Daily Show". I love that show. And I haven't seen it in some time.

This is really my wife's prescription. She has noticed that I get tight when I know what's going on. Probably because I can't do anything to change the situation and I start to feel helpless and powerless to affect positive change. Or maybe it's because I realize just how many retarded people there are in the world, and most of them are in high public offices. Many of them have been elected to their positions. And all of them are in charge of our general health and well-being. And so few of them give two shits about any of us.

But, as is typical, my wife knows what's good for me. I feel less pressure. I don't feel as powerless. I don't feel as doomed. As angry. As frustrated.

Yeah, I'm still depressed and I'm fighting really hard to get out of that. And my wife is helping with that, too. She found and-- essentially-- checked out an audio book from the library for me about cognitive therapy because she knows that has worked for me in the past, and she knows that I'm not a reader, and she knows that I have at least an hour in the car per day as I commute to and from work where I can listen to said audio book. But this depression that I'm in right now isn't caused by the stupid news. And it's not exacerbated by the stupid news. And, perhaps, the news was covering up my depression, making me think that I was really upset about the news rather than my brainal crap.

My wife is really good to me. And really good for me. I'm glad I've got her in my life. And I really wish that I could give her some idea about the depth and strength of my emotions. But if I did that, I might explode her from the inside, her frail body and weak frame wouldn't be able to withstand the emensitude of emotions. She's my best. I absolutely adore her.

What was I saying? Oh right. The news sucks ass.

relentless

what's that noise
coming from behind
sounds so familiar
feels like before

close your eyes, i'm not gonna stop
shut your ears, i'm not gonna stop
slam the door, i'm not gonna stop
cry out loud, i'm not gonna stop

beat me down, i'm not gonna stop
beat me down, i'm not gonna stop
beat me down, i'm not gonna stop
beat me down, i'm not gonna stop

going all the way
i'm not afraid of you
make it to the top
i'm not afraid of you
i'm not afraid of you
i'm not afraid!

growl your teeth, i'm not gonna stop
mash your fists, i'm not gonna stop
grind your feet, i'm not gonna stop
scream me down, i'm not gonna stop

push it all the way
i'm not afraid of you
push it to the top
i'm not afraid of you
try to back me down
i'm not afraid!

relentless

slap me around, i'm not gonna stop
push me down, i'm not gonna stop
face to ground, i'm not gonna stop
i'm not gonna stop
i'm not gonna stop
i'm not gonna stop

stumbly

stumbly shoes
with no place to go
but to wait for me

hopeful glances
eye to eye
strangers waving
i've known you all along

stumbly words
not with me
he knows where he's going

leaping over and over and over
waving like strandeders thrashing to be rescued
i can lift you up
i can lift you all
and you'll see where the air is

stumbly bums
we don't care about the things we used to care about
we've known each other since before now
walking next to you without seeing you has been the hardest part

leaping over and over and over
waving like kids who know the answer
i can lift you up
i can lift you all
and you'll see where the air is

everything's fine

her sleep whispers across to me
every breath is saying
everything's okay now
everything's fine

and i want to give her everything
and i can't give her everything
but for now
everything's fine

i want to whisper across to her
but my head's a highway
but even still
everything's fine

snapshot that face
tuck it away for later
when everything is not
everything's fine

her sleep whispers across to me
every breath is saying
everything's okay now
everything's fine

My head won't shut up

My head won't shut off. It's distracting. It says stuff that I don't want to hear and I feel helpless to control it or stop it.

You're hot because you're fat. And you're not doing anything to get unfatter. And your job sucks and you suck at it and everybody there is a loser, which means you're a loser too. And you aren't able to pay for all the needs of your family. And you stopped performing because you suck and everyone around you thought you sucked, too.

And I try to ignore it. And that takes a lot of energy, because it feels like I'm trying to stop a leak in a bucket by using stick of butter. It just won't shut up.

And you wear your jacket all the time because you're fat and you're insecure about being fat and every time you try to work out, you can do it for three days and then you quit. You quitter. And your kids want to spend more time with you and you don't have any more time to give to them, so they're going to hate you. And your wife wants more time with you, and you don't have any more time to give to her, so she's going to hate you. And they're all going to hate you and resent you for not paying attention to them and then they're going to find somebody who will and they will forget about you like a used tissue. And you can't do a goddam thing right at your job, which you don't even like, so you're a two-time loser. And your lunch is peanuts. You must be a real loser if your lunch is peanuts. You see everybody else is getting their lunches from restaurants, but you're bringing your lunch like a big fat sweaty loser. And the lady next to you wants to buy a house. You're never going to buy a house because your credit sucks and you'll never be able to pay back your student loans and you can't get a job to make ends meet right now. How do you expect to get a job to make ends meet AND pay off your student loans? You can't. Because you're a loser. And when was the last time you wrote a song that you thought was good? Or a story? Or even had a witty line that you thought was decent? You're a fucking loser and a loser.

And I work to shut it off, because it's going to affect my relationship with my wife or my kids or my mother

but you know i won't shut up because i got batteries that never die and you gotta get tired sometime in the morning i'll be there and at night i'll be there and when you want to rest i'll be there letting you know about the miserable failure that you are

And I try to think about the cognitive therapy stuff

and i laugh because that was stuff that you learned when you were certain you were a loser and you had to have somebody help you because you couldn't do it on your own just like a child being dependent on others you fucking loser and you can't even do it now to help you out loser because you're a loser

And I try to work and maybe think about taking a pill tonight to get it to shut up or going for a walk tonight

and if you go for a walk then you're going to loser your wife and kids because they will think you don't love them and you won't loser any weight with the weak-ass workout you do anyway and sometimes it doesn't even make you feel any better to go workout so why do it loser and sometimes the pills work and sometimes they don't and how does it feel to be a doped up loser that can't get his mind to shut up unless he's taking medication i'll bet the meth addicts think of themselves as taking medication you fucking loser big fat fuck of a fucking loser

So I put it in the open, to see if getting it out helps, like steam from a teapot. Or not. I don't know yet. It doesn't feel any better. It doesn't feel any worse. It feels like it's a little better, but it's going to fill up again really soon. And my lunch break is over.