...because I forget stuff...
ONE OF THE TIMES I NOTICED THE CRAZY
by Wife
MIMI: I thought you sent nice, respectful emails to him. And your requests aren't unreasonable.
WIFE: thanks, mama.
MIMI: Do you know why he's not wanting to change the schedule? Is it because he's concerned that he would go two full weeks without seeing your son?
WIFE: I don't think so, mama. He gets two full weeks with our son all the time.
MIMI: I just don't understand why he wouldn't agree to alter the schedule so that you and your family could take a vacation together.
WIFE: I'm pretty sure it's a control thing, mama. He wants to control me and our youngest, and it's probably not much more than that. Whenever he can interfere with our youngest's time with me, he will. He always has.
MIMI: Well, the way you worded your emails, there's no way for him to know that I won't be there, too!
(pause)
WIFE: What... I'm not sure what you mean.
MIMI: Well, the way that you worded those emails, I might be at the ranch, too! So for him to not allow your youngest to come to the ranch might be denying me of seeing your youngest! It's too bad he's behaving this way!
WIFE: So, is it too bad he's behaving this way because you wouldn't get to see our youngest, or because our youngest is being controlled out of a vacation with his mother?
MIMI: Well, that's not the point, daughter. It's just too bad he's unwilling to work with you. Especially after I've taken him to the buffalo ranch many times at my own personal expense!
ONE OF THE TIMES I NOTICED THE CRAZY
by Zon
MIMI: Well, I know how to play this game.
WIFE: This isn't a game, mama. And I'm not interested in playing with it.
MIMI: Well, I looked into helmets for your youngest, because all the helmets they have at the ranch for riding 4 wheelers are too small for his head, and I don't even want to ask dad if we can borrow youngest's football helmet, because he's just going to say no so he can try to control that situation, too. I know him. I know what he's like. So I'm not even going to ask him. So I looked into custom made helmets, and they're not that expensive, and I'd like to have a custom helmet made for your youngest so that he can ride the 4 wheelers, because that's something he's really enjoyed doing but he can't do it without a helmet. And I'd buy your oldest a helmet, too, so that everybody would have a helmet. And I'd give you money so that you don't have to worry about filling up your car with gas, so that you can feel comfortable driving up to the ranch on Wednesday night and drive back to town on Friday night to get your youngest back to his father on Saturday, and then you can drive the three hours back to the ranch to finish up the weekend with your husband and your oldest without worrying about the money it would take to fill up your gas tank.
She knows about how controlling he is... yet she still supports him as he works to hurt her daughter and her grandson?
ANOTHER TIME I NOTICED THE CRAZY
by Wife
MIMI: I really can't believe he's behaving this way! Unwilling to change the schedule to allow youngest a vacation with you. And then making up mandatory football practice so that this weird schedule we came up with doesn't work for youngest at all. It's just really too bad! And I can't believe that youngest is saying that he wants to go to this made up football practice rather than come to the buffalo ranch. Because I had a talk with them, all of them-- your youngest, his father and father's new wife, father's sister and her two children-- I told them all about how it was very important for me to take you on this vacation. And I had a talk with your youngest, alone, about how I was very sad that I hadn't been able to take you on vacations. (realizing she's said too much, and begins trying to backpedal) It was a very serious talk. So I'm surprised that he's saying that and acting that way. It's really too bad.
I didn't understand this story when Wife related it to me, and I still have to work really, really hard to understand it, even after she's explained it to me many times. From my perspective, my mother could have said that she was very sad because she hadn't been able to take me on vacations and it wouldn't have meant anything nefarious or devious. Those words didn't set off any warning sirens for me. But then my wife explained that what her mother was saying wasn't that it wasn't something like a scheduling conflict, but rather, Wife hadn't behaved according to the Rules Mimi had set up for her to live by, and because of that reason alone, Mimi felt like she wasn't able to gift Wife with vacations. I still struggle with this concept, too, and my wife has to tell me a little more about what this means before I get it. Because, again, when I'm bad, I don't expect to be gifted by my folks. And bad, for me, means that I steal something or kill somebody or do something horrible like that. In my Wife's mother's world, being bad means that you don't perform Gifts of Service on her time schedule. In reality, what this looks like is my wife and oldest go over to Mimi's house on mother's day to give her a flower and say "happy mother's day", at which time Mimi tells oldest that he needs to do yard work for her, then move furniture, then my wife needs to take her to the grocery store. If for any reason they can't, even if there are other plans that have already been established, this means that both oldest and Wife have been "bad" and she is unable to gift either of them with anything, like vacations. So what Ex did was to go to Mimi and ask for her blessing after his divorce from Wife, her daughter, which made him "good", then he told her that Wife had an affair and wouldn't be able to do anything for Mimi, which made Wife "bad", and then Mimi didn't even ask for Gifts of Service from Wife, because you're "good" if you give gifts of service, and it's selfish to actually ask for things so Mimi wouldn't actually ask for Gifts of Service. And because Wife wasn't performing the Gifts of Service that she hadn't been asked to do, she was more "bad" than before. And then the guardian ad litem comes along and asks her which parent she thinks is a better parent... and suddenly it doesn't take a genius to figure out why she said what she said... that Wife was a "bad" parent and Ex was a "good" parent. And those words mean different things to the rest of the world, and it takes time and patience to understand that this woman isn't speaking the same language as everyone else. Yes, she's using the same words, and so often it isn't even questioned. Ex is good, Wife is bad. And you need to KNOW to ask a question that really shouldn't need to be asked: WHAT makes somebody a good or a bad parent? In Mimi's world, a good parent is somebody who performs Gifts of Service for Mimi, as well as asks her opinions about spiritual issues, and a bad parent is somebody who doesn't perform Gifts of Service that haven't been requested, and who didn't help her take care of her sick mother in the way that she thought she should be receiving help over a decade ago. And now the guardian ad litem goes back to the court with that information: even Wife's own mother believes that Ex is a better parent than Wife, and that gets used like it's supposed to mean something. And once you get to that level of comprehension (it takes me a long time and a lot of work... I don't really understand why it's always so difficult for me to get it...), suddenly the game is super easy to manipulate. Once I get there, I can start thinking of very easy ways to get Mimi to support me, if that was something that I wanted. I would start with faith-- I'm having a crisis of faith because of all the ugliness of this divorce, for example-- and I really wanted to talk with her, because I know she's a well-respected member of the community. It doesn't matter that what I've said is total bullshit, but I've used the right words. Once I sit down with her, then I will tell her about whatever ugliness I can come up with, and somehow tie it in to Jesus-- it's been really difficult lately, because I haven't felt Jesus in my life, and I really could use His help right now. Can you help me get him back into my life? Once that's done, I move a couch for her, then leave. I'm now "good", and will reap the benefits. Occasionally, I may have to do more things for her, but if I'm looking to build a support group or looking for her acceptance, for any reason, I have just gotten it. It's a super easy system to manipulate, and it's much more difficult to live a responsible life where logical consequences happen. And once you know the system and how to manipulate it, going back to the story above, it doesn't matter how you treat Wife or youngest or oldest, because none of those people have anything to do with the system. Mimi has already planned activities for the "good" parent, is taking him golfing, is doing other things with him because he has played the system, as I described above. And if questioned about "why did you behave in a certain way about this whole thing?" all he needs to do is saying something like this: "Mimi, you don't have all the information. You don't know what it's like dealing with Wife. She doesn't create a safe place for anyone." And suddenly, everything is back to normal, because none of that really mattered in the first place because it wasn't ever about Wife, youngest, oldest, or even Ex... it was only about Mimi. And all I need to do is ask her advice occasionally, and then move a couch, and I can pretty much prison rape the world and Mimi will still tell people I'm "good", while Wife is "bad"... and unless you think to ask her what makes somebody "good" and "bad", you won't ever know what kind of insanity you're dealing with. And since she had a husband who left her over a million dollars in life insurance-- meaning she's now got money-- you probably would look at her and say, "well, she's got money, so I know she's not crazy...".
EPILOGUE
by Zon
WIFE tells BOSS about what's happening, and gets to the story above.
WIFE: And then my mother said that she told my youngest that she was very sad that she wasn't able to gift me.
BOSS: "Wasn't able"?! Are you kidding?!
WIFE: No, I'm not, and I'm actually kinda surprised that you understand what that means. Nobody else seems to.
BOSS: No, I get it! She's withholding things from you! And it's not because of anything you did, but because she's punishing you for some made up reason.
WIFE: yeah, most people don't really get that.
BOSS: I get it! And I don't care what my kids have done or what their spouses have done, I'm still going to invite them to family vacations! I'm still going to call them up and ask them to come to dinner! Because we're family and we talk it through, even if we're fighting or mad at each other!
WIFE: Exactly.
BOSS: That's abuse.
WIFE: My husband would love you so much right now.
BOSS: I know that's a strong word to use, but that's just abusive.
WIFE: I really cringe at that word, because it is so strong, but my husband has used it for years now about this situation, and he still says it's abusive.
BOSS: Because it is.
WIFE: But nobody besides you two seems to see it. And there's nothing that can be done about it. I can't show a lawyer bruises, because they're not there. And I don't know how to explain it to people so they get it. So what I'm left with is the abuse that happens, and then everybody saying that it's okay. It's fine. That I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, or that I'm overreacting. All the men in my life, outside of my husband, have always sung that song: you're overreacting.
BOSS: I'm really sorry.
WIFE: So am I.
Now that we've identified the problem... how do we best move forward? How do we correct things? Are we able to correct things, and if we're not, how do we leave them be and keep moving forward without allowing them to hold us back?
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Death
Christians believe that when we die, we have a good chance to go to Heaven.
Different faiths believe there are different criterion for entering Heaven, but all Christian faiths believe that when we die, if we have met those criterion, we will go to Heaven.
Heaven is paradise, filled with love and goodness. It is a great place where everybody agrees they want to go. Never mind that it's impossible to get every member of a family of four to agree on one restaurant they all want to go to, because Heaven is different. It's where EVERYONE agrees, and EVERYONE wants to go, it's that awesome. It's better than all vacations and experiences you could ever have on this world. It's bitchin'.
I used to work on a cruise ship where, every week, I would watch families say goodbye to each other. "Have a great cruise! See you in a week!" There was a party as people left their families and loved ones on the shore.
I have seen teenagers go away to college. Their parents, often with tears in their eyes, will talk about how wonderful it is that their teen is getting this opportunity. Then the parents say goodbye, and the teen goes away, often for months or years at a time, leaving the parents alone. Have you seen this happen? Have you experienced this?
Please compare and contrast the tears of a parent sending off their child to college with the tears of a Christian at a funeral.
Are they the same? No. They aren't.
The parents know their child will have a great experience at college.
The Christian knows he will never see the dead person again.
The Christian wants to believe, really, really hard the Christian wants to believe.
But the Christian doesn't actually believe.
I observed one Christian force herself into a happy place when her husband died.
She wasn't happy.
In fact, she was verbally mournful after the funeral and for years to come.
Mostly about her loneliness at not having her husband around.
But at her husband's funeral, she jumped up at one point, stern, stern face, and started clapping with the music being played.
She was trying to celebrate.
But you could tell she didn't really believe what she was trying to get everybody else to believe she believed.
Like when you see a kid eating vegetables because they get ice cream if they do, they're working too hard.
Or when you see a professional soccer player or wrestler trying to make the referee believe that something happened that didn't.
It's a lie, and we all know it when we see it. Even if we can't put words to it.
I observed this woman wrap herself up in her lie, and then show off her lie to the other Christians around her.
"Look," she said to them without words, "I am rejoicing, as we all should do, because that's what we believe! There is no reason to believe this! There is no proof that what we believe is actual, and there is all kinds of proof that what we believe is fabrication! But doesn't it stand to reason that since all of us claim to believe this reasonless thing, then we all must be reasonless, which justifies your belief in and admiration of my reasonless behaviors? It sure does! I validate your reasonlessness! Doesn't it feel good to feel validated?! Clap with me, you psychotic nut jobs!"
And the Flock followed the Insane.
If Christians actually believed what they say they do, a funeral would look more like the departure docks before a cruise, and no one would wear black.
Different faiths believe there are different criterion for entering Heaven, but all Christian faiths believe that when we die, if we have met those criterion, we will go to Heaven.
Heaven is paradise, filled with love and goodness. It is a great place where everybody agrees they want to go. Never mind that it's impossible to get every member of a family of four to agree on one restaurant they all want to go to, because Heaven is different. It's where EVERYONE agrees, and EVERYONE wants to go, it's that awesome. It's better than all vacations and experiences you could ever have on this world. It's bitchin'.
I used to work on a cruise ship where, every week, I would watch families say goodbye to each other. "Have a great cruise! See you in a week!" There was a party as people left their families and loved ones on the shore.
I have seen teenagers go away to college. Their parents, often with tears in their eyes, will talk about how wonderful it is that their teen is getting this opportunity. Then the parents say goodbye, and the teen goes away, often for months or years at a time, leaving the parents alone. Have you seen this happen? Have you experienced this?
Please compare and contrast the tears of a parent sending off their child to college with the tears of a Christian at a funeral.
Are they the same? No. They aren't.
The parents know their child will have a great experience at college.
The Christian knows he will never see the dead person again.
The Christian wants to believe, really, really hard the Christian wants to believe.
But the Christian doesn't actually believe.
I observed one Christian force herself into a happy place when her husband died.
She wasn't happy.
In fact, she was verbally mournful after the funeral and for years to come.
Mostly about her loneliness at not having her husband around.
But at her husband's funeral, she jumped up at one point, stern, stern face, and started clapping with the music being played.
She was trying to celebrate.
But you could tell she didn't really believe what she was trying to get everybody else to believe she believed.
Like when you see a kid eating vegetables because they get ice cream if they do, they're working too hard.
Or when you see a professional soccer player or wrestler trying to make the referee believe that something happened that didn't.
It's a lie, and we all know it when we see it. Even if we can't put words to it.
I observed this woman wrap herself up in her lie, and then show off her lie to the other Christians around her.
"Look," she said to them without words, "I am rejoicing, as we all should do, because that's what we believe! There is no reason to believe this! There is no proof that what we believe is actual, and there is all kinds of proof that what we believe is fabrication! But doesn't it stand to reason that since all of us claim to believe this reasonless thing, then we all must be reasonless, which justifies your belief in and admiration of my reasonless behaviors? It sure does! I validate your reasonlessness! Doesn't it feel good to feel validated?! Clap with me, you psychotic nut jobs!"
And the Flock followed the Insane.
If Christians actually believed what they say they do, a funeral would look more like the departure docks before a cruise, and no one would wear black.
The Buffalo Ranch Debacle and Subsequent Breakdown
Texts between me and my wife.
WIFE: I can't remember if I've told you but I don't think I have - we won't be going to the buffalo ranch, so no need to take time off for that. You can divert it to time with [your visiting friend], if you feel like. Or Star Wars. Whatev.
ME: What happened with the buffalo ranch? Wasn't that something your mother gave us? Or did she take it away?
WIFE: No. She didn't. It's been a huge mess. It was offered to us the 26-31. I figured the earliest we could go would be Wednesday evening, the 27. I emailed [ex] about the opportunity presented, the dates, that I have no control over the timing of the offer and availability and that it would be the only trip we would be taking this summer. [Youngest] is officially scheduled to be with us May 22-29 and then June 1-7, leaving a two day gap of May 30-31. I asked if we could please adjust the schedule by two days so that [youngest] could go with us and enjoy the full time at the ranch. He responded "it is best to stick to the schedule we agreed to in the order." I ccd my mother on all email communications with him. Dealing with my mom was awkward and empowering and futile. I emailed him again, how disappointing it is he is unwilling to adjust the schedule two days to allow [youngest] to do something he would like to do with us, since he's always preaching how it's all about what [youngest] wants, worded much more respectfully and politely. No response. I emailed him once more several days later proposing multiple adjustments to the schedule and repeating that I am open to ANYTHING that would make [ex] happy AND allow [youngest] to enjoy the vacation with us. No response. At all. Just the initial "no". In between emailings, I'm communicating with my mother who is very upset by [ex]'s refusal and then non-communication and is offering suggestions and solutions, including buying [youngest] a special order XXL racing helmet so that he can ride the 4-wheelers without having to has his dad permission to bring his football helmet since none of the helmets at the ranch fit his head AND planning to give us money so that I could afford to drive to the ranch on Wednesday, return [youngest] to [ex] on Friday, and drive back to the ranch that night to continue enjoying it with you and [oldest] through the weekend. I had been up and down and sad and furious and had resigned myself to that back and forth plan an making the best of it because it's a great opportunity and experience to have with all my favorite people and it's an adventure no matter what it looks like!! Until. I got an email from [ex] late Friday night telling me that [youngest] has "mandatory" spring football practice May 27-29 that he cannot miss. Of course, it's NOT mandatory. Of course [youngest] believes it is, even when shown the email from his high school coach that he will NOT be penalized in any way if he misses it. Of course, [youngest] wants to do the training with his teammates. And [ex] refuses to adjust the schedule so that we could at least have the weekend for this experience that he's gotten to have with my children countless times. And, of course, I no longer feel it's an adventure that I want to have, even for the weekend with you and [oldest], because I will just feel deeply sad and angry. I'm left feeling stomped and defeated and alone and abused. And trying to process all that while not falling apart and continuing to work and supporting you through your yuck and trying not to set you off and working with [oldest] to find a job and keep the house clean and try to work out and take care of myself and pay bills and budget money and balance unexpected shortages in your paycheck and figure out how to keep smiling and still enjoy all the moments I get with [youngest] and not worry that he hates me or just doesn't love me or about why he has chosen his father over me or if he likes [ex's current wife] better than me or how I've completely failed him or all the mistakes I've made or how he doesn't remember any of the good stuff we did/do together or about how I feel like I've lost him and am a total failure as a mother and force myself to go to his awards ceremony at school and investigate, locate and communicate with coaches and booster club presidents to make sure I'm getting the appropriate info about [youngest]'s football schedule and prep myself and my house for company and for making me feel better and be aware of severe weather and try to calm my youngest's fears about it without disrespecting the idiots who are creating fear in him and deal with repeated and continual bullying by my ex in regards to my time with my son and get dressed and showered and try to have a date with my sexy ass husband that I adore and feel so very far away from and and try to keep up my art journaling and creativity and cut myself slack because I haven't been able to keep up with my new birthday art class and maintain my QOTD with my sons in a lame attempt to stay connected with them and remember to eat and try to sleep and try to not worry about why I'm bleeding off schedule (it's very likely because I started exercising) and keep smiling and being polite and doing the right thing and trying to enjoy any little moment at all while desperately wanting to crumple under the weight of it all. It all really really hard. And there's never any peace.
ME: I'm so sorry lover. What can I do for you?
WIFE: Nothing. You've got your own stuff, babe.
ME: Yes I do. And if you can think of a way I can make your life easier, happier, and more joyful, and you're able to tell me, I will do all I can to make sure you are as happy as possible. I love you.
WIFE: It would make me so happy if you would get all the help you need and can so that you can feel good as much as possible and can squeeze the pulp out of all the happy we can get our hands on. You are my favorite. I'm so glad you're here with me. And if you ever can't be, because it's all just too much, I will completely understand. I'm clinging to any speck of smile or laugh or positivity or hug or bliss I can experience with you. No pressure. I'm not depending on you for my happiness. I'm just enjoying every bit of you.
ME: I will get the help I need. For you babe.
**UPDATE: I found out that emails and plans had been traveling about between the parties since the end of April. On Mother's Day, my wife received the email from ex saying that the schedule couldn't be altered. On Mother's Day.***
WIFE: I can't remember if I've told you but I don't think I have - we won't be going to the buffalo ranch, so no need to take time off for that. You can divert it to time with [your visiting friend], if you feel like. Or Star Wars. Whatev.
ME: What happened with the buffalo ranch? Wasn't that something your mother gave us? Or did she take it away?
WIFE: No. She didn't. It's been a huge mess. It was offered to us the 26-31. I figured the earliest we could go would be Wednesday evening, the 27. I emailed [ex] about the opportunity presented, the dates, that I have no control over the timing of the offer and availability and that it would be the only trip we would be taking this summer. [Youngest] is officially scheduled to be with us May 22-29 and then June 1-7, leaving a two day gap of May 30-31. I asked if we could please adjust the schedule by two days so that [youngest] could go with us and enjoy the full time at the ranch. He responded "it is best to stick to the schedule we agreed to in the order." I ccd my mother on all email communications with him. Dealing with my mom was awkward and empowering and futile. I emailed him again, how disappointing it is he is unwilling to adjust the schedule two days to allow [youngest] to do something he would like to do with us, since he's always preaching how it's all about what [youngest] wants, worded much more respectfully and politely. No response. I emailed him once more several days later proposing multiple adjustments to the schedule and repeating that I am open to ANYTHING that would make [ex] happy AND allow [youngest] to enjoy the vacation with us. No response. At all. Just the initial "no". In between emailings, I'm communicating with my mother who is very upset by [ex]'s refusal and then non-communication and is offering suggestions and solutions, including buying [youngest] a special order XXL racing helmet so that he can ride the 4-wheelers without having to has his dad permission to bring his football helmet since none of the helmets at the ranch fit his head AND planning to give us money so that I could afford to drive to the ranch on Wednesday, return [youngest] to [ex] on Friday, and drive back to the ranch that night to continue enjoying it with you and [oldest] through the weekend. I had been up and down and sad and furious and had resigned myself to that back and forth plan an making the best of it because it's a great opportunity and experience to have with all my favorite people and it's an adventure no matter what it looks like!! Until. I got an email from [ex] late Friday night telling me that [youngest] has "mandatory" spring football practice May 27-29 that he cannot miss. Of course, it's NOT mandatory. Of course [youngest] believes it is, even when shown the email from his high school coach that he will NOT be penalized in any way if he misses it. Of course, [youngest] wants to do the training with his teammates. And [ex] refuses to adjust the schedule so that we could at least have the weekend for this experience that he's gotten to have with my children countless times. And, of course, I no longer feel it's an adventure that I want to have, even for the weekend with you and [oldest], because I will just feel deeply sad and angry. I'm left feeling stomped and defeated and alone and abused. And trying to process all that while not falling apart and continuing to work and supporting you through your yuck and trying not to set you off and working with [oldest] to find a job and keep the house clean and try to work out and take care of myself and pay bills and budget money and balance unexpected shortages in your paycheck and figure out how to keep smiling and still enjoy all the moments I get with [youngest] and not worry that he hates me or just doesn't love me or about why he has chosen his father over me or if he likes [ex's current wife] better than me or how I've completely failed him or all the mistakes I've made or how he doesn't remember any of the good stuff we did/do together or about how I feel like I've lost him and am a total failure as a mother and force myself to go to his awards ceremony at school and investigate, locate and communicate with coaches and booster club presidents to make sure I'm getting the appropriate info about [youngest]'s football schedule and prep myself and my house for company and for making me feel better and be aware of severe weather and try to calm my youngest's fears about it without disrespecting the idiots who are creating fear in him and deal with repeated and continual bullying by my ex in regards to my time with my son and get dressed and showered and try to have a date with my sexy ass husband that I adore and feel so very far away from and and try to keep up my art journaling and creativity and cut myself slack because I haven't been able to keep up with my new birthday art class and maintain my QOTD with my sons in a lame attempt to stay connected with them and remember to eat and try to sleep and try to not worry about why I'm bleeding off schedule (it's very likely because I started exercising) and keep smiling and being polite and doing the right thing and trying to enjoy any little moment at all while desperately wanting to crumple under the weight of it all. It all really really hard. And there's never any peace.
ME: I'm so sorry lover. What can I do for you?
WIFE: Nothing. You've got your own stuff, babe.
ME: Yes I do. And if you can think of a way I can make your life easier, happier, and more joyful, and you're able to tell me, I will do all I can to make sure you are as happy as possible. I love you.
WIFE: It would make me so happy if you would get all the help you need and can so that you can feel good as much as possible and can squeeze the pulp out of all the happy we can get our hands on. You are my favorite. I'm so glad you're here with me. And if you ever can't be, because it's all just too much, I will completely understand. I'm clinging to any speck of smile or laugh or positivity or hug or bliss I can experience with you. No pressure. I'm not depending on you for my happiness. I'm just enjoying every bit of you.
ME: I will get the help I need. For you babe.
**UPDATE: I found out that emails and plans had been traveling about between the parties since the end of April. On Mother's Day, my wife received the email from ex saying that the schedule couldn't be altered. On Mother's Day.***
The Stressors
Today I'm told that we are not going to the Buffalo Ranch, a trip my wife was extremely excited about. It has just turned 9AM as I write this sentence. She has not told me why we are not going yet. I am fairly certain she is unhappy about not going, whatever the reason is.
Yesterday, I broke down in Walmart, thinking about how long my friend should stay with us and the kinds of stress this upcoming weekend will bring with the arrival of our youngest. I was unfocused at work, as I ruminated on our youngest and how he doesn't talk with us at all anymore, and when he does he just lies about everything. Also, there was extreme weather with tornado activity, flooding my car and reminding me that the last time our youngest was to come over to our house for the weekend he said that he didn't want to come over until the storms had passed... and there weren't any storms... but he didn't want to come over until the rain had stopped because, he said, his father had a shelter and we didn't. When my wife went to pick him up, he was playing games with his aunt and cousins, making her believe that there was no real thoughts about storms, just that he wanted to keep playing games. I made a conscious decision to fuck going to the gym yesterday. At that time, my wife and I hadn't been to the gym in a week and I'm desperately trying to find the motivation to return. Instead, I ate ice cream from the carton.
Monday, I drove to work in the fog and rain. My wife remained upset by something. I have asked her about what is wrong, and she has not told me, saying that if she tells me it will "take me away", and she says she needs me here. She is correct. The more I hear she is upset, the more rageful I get. When I hear about her son or her ex or her mother or her ex-sister-in-law hurting her or making her feel less-than or dismissing her or embarrassing her, I get very angry. I do no get as angry when I don't see my wife get hurt or when I am not told about those issues. Which creates a situation where my wife wants to tell me about her life, but if she does then it does more harm than good because of my reaction. And even if I try to calm myself, sometimes I am unable to do so. My wife insists that she always tells me what's happening, and I trust this is the case, she just chooses not to tell me at times when she needs me to support her, rather than become angry about the situation. I was also told that my work would be initiating background checks, which I am concerned about. I am concerned that they have, somehow, been as a result of my wife's ex and his desire to dig into my past, somehow, and make my job more difficult or less financially sound, or somehow continue the name-calling, character-smearing ugliness that has not stopped since 2007. I, also, have not received an official notice of my promotional pay increase, something I'm also concerned has ties back to my wife's ex.
All of those days, I have had to deal with the doctor who sits behind me.
That's just this week.
Next week will have similar entries.
In thinking about the stressors in my life, I am able to find many on a daily basis. I am unable to shake most of them, or feel relief from the symptoms of them.
I am scheduled to see a shrink today at 4PM.
Her last name is the same last name as the attorney who represented my wife's ex in divorce court since 2007. The same attorney who helped my wife and ex get a divorce, who presented himself as working for both of them as well as working to make the lives of their children as pain-free as possible in the Divorce, and then he presented a pen to my wife to sign the official papers, saying, "you understand that I'm not your attorney?" My wife, based on the amount of time all three of them had spent trying to get the details of the Divorce correct, and based on how easily it had all gone and on her ex's expressed desire to make everything pain-free for all involved, didn't see that there would be any problem at all with this. Just because he wasn't her attorney didn't mean that the work they had done was all a ruse. It just meant there was AN attorney, dedicated to the ideas they had spent months talking about.
Yesterday, I broke down in Walmart, thinking about how long my friend should stay with us and the kinds of stress this upcoming weekend will bring with the arrival of our youngest. I was unfocused at work, as I ruminated on our youngest and how he doesn't talk with us at all anymore, and when he does he just lies about everything. Also, there was extreme weather with tornado activity, flooding my car and reminding me that the last time our youngest was to come over to our house for the weekend he said that he didn't want to come over until the storms had passed... and there weren't any storms... but he didn't want to come over until the rain had stopped because, he said, his father had a shelter and we didn't. When my wife went to pick him up, he was playing games with his aunt and cousins, making her believe that there was no real thoughts about storms, just that he wanted to keep playing games. I made a conscious decision to fuck going to the gym yesterday. At that time, my wife and I hadn't been to the gym in a week and I'm desperately trying to find the motivation to return. Instead, I ate ice cream from the carton.
Monday, I drove to work in the fog and rain. My wife remained upset by something. I have asked her about what is wrong, and she has not told me, saying that if she tells me it will "take me away", and she says she needs me here. She is correct. The more I hear she is upset, the more rageful I get. When I hear about her son or her ex or her mother or her ex-sister-in-law hurting her or making her feel less-than or dismissing her or embarrassing her, I get very angry. I do no get as angry when I don't see my wife get hurt or when I am not told about those issues. Which creates a situation where my wife wants to tell me about her life, but if she does then it does more harm than good because of my reaction. And even if I try to calm myself, sometimes I am unable to do so. My wife insists that she always tells me what's happening, and I trust this is the case, she just chooses not to tell me at times when she needs me to support her, rather than become angry about the situation. I was also told that my work would be initiating background checks, which I am concerned about. I am concerned that they have, somehow, been as a result of my wife's ex and his desire to dig into my past, somehow, and make my job more difficult or less financially sound, or somehow continue the name-calling, character-smearing ugliness that has not stopped since 2007. I, also, have not received an official notice of my promotional pay increase, something I'm also concerned has ties back to my wife's ex.
All of those days, I have had to deal with the doctor who sits behind me.
That's just this week.
Next week will have similar entries.
In thinking about the stressors in my life, I am able to find many on a daily basis. I am unable to shake most of them, or feel relief from the symptoms of them.
I am scheduled to see a shrink today at 4PM.
Her last name is the same last name as the attorney who represented my wife's ex in divorce court since 2007. The same attorney who helped my wife and ex get a divorce, who presented himself as working for both of them as well as working to make the lives of their children as pain-free as possible in the Divorce, and then he presented a pen to my wife to sign the official papers, saying, "you understand that I'm not your attorney?" My wife, based on the amount of time all three of them had spent trying to get the details of the Divorce correct, and based on how easily it had all gone and on her ex's expressed desire to make everything pain-free for all involved, didn't see that there would be any problem at all with this. Just because he wasn't her attorney didn't mean that the work they had done was all a ruse. It just meant there was AN attorney, dedicated to the ideas they had spent months talking about.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Can't Stop Thinking About It All...
http://www.gooddivorcebaddivorce.com/
From that page:
Some days I can't get the abuse and injustice out of my soul.
Some days my white-hot rage won't cool at all.
Some days are mostly years.
From that page:
If you and your spouse disagree on issues involving marital property, assets, or children, then your divorce proceeding could turn into a battlefield over your legal rights: child support, visitation, custody, maintenance (alimony), and the division of assets. All too often, this battle may look more like a dirty street fight than a divorce proceeding. Spouses who play by the rules are not prepared for this kind of dirty fight. Ironically, the spouse who is more aggressive and does not play by the rules can win in court because of system failure. The unsuspecting spouse may slip down a treacherous path in divorce court losing his or her pocket-book, dignity, and maybe even custody of the children-- wrongfully-- along the way.Some days I can't stop thinking about my wife, her kids, my parents, and myself in this world.
Some days I can't get the abuse and injustice out of my soul.
Some days my white-hot rage won't cool at all.
Some days are mostly years.
Background Checks
Background check.
I've worked here over 5 years, and now you're conducting a background check.
Because of a law passed in 2002 that wasn't enforced by you.
And now funding is going to be cut if you don't do what you were supposed to do.
But the bright side is that, if I'm fired for whatever reason, I will at least have had over 5 years of employment to help me keep my house and family and food. How nice to have had a job.
The bright side is awesome!
Makes everything seem so piddly!
Yay bright side!
I've worked here over 5 years, and now you're conducting a background check.
Because of a law passed in 2002 that wasn't enforced by you.
And now funding is going to be cut if you don't do what you were supposed to do.
But the bright side is that, if I'm fired for whatever reason, I will at least have had over 5 years of employment to help me keep my house and family and food. How nice to have had a job.
The bright side is awesome!
Makes everything seem so piddly!
Yay bright side!
Monday, May 18, 2015
QA Stupidity
We have a Quality Assurance (QA) department. They take a look at much of our work to make sure we're doing it correctly. Today I had an exchange with a gentleman (read: prickdickfucker) in our QA department who reviewed one of my cases.
From QA:
Please add a sentence or two to the onset letter.
My response:
dickprickfucker's response:
My response:
At this point, I have asked dickprickfucker TWICE for language that would clear up this issue as I have assessed he is either asking me to explain Social Security procedures to a claimant, or use different language. He has also gone into some detail about how it's important to tell the claimant that they are being allowed because they turned 55, which puts them into a different category of rules and, ultimately, is the reason why they're being allowed when they are.
dickprickfucker's response:
Upon reflection, this exchange was minor. The issue was petty. And, really, the only reason I'm upset is because the case was returned to me and it was unclear, for several email exchanges, how I should change what I had done in order to make it fit with what the QA idiot wanted. Typically, QA will send you something telling you what you did wrong, then they will tell you, specifically, what changes need to be made. "...or something like that..." is never included in the specific changes. Also, when you explain what you want done clearly, it's easier to understand what you want even when you make typos (like this idiot did), and EVERYBODY makes typos at some time.
This stupid fucker has just ruined my day so far. I'm now fighting to get back on track. What a dickprickfucker.
And while I'm at it, I think it's fucking stupid as hell that "proceed" has two "ee"s, and "procedure" has only one "e", and I can't keep the fucking pair separate! I also have a huge problem with "loose" versus "lose", and typically can only figure out which one is which when I think about the song "Lose Yourself", cuz I know that only has one "o", and means "to get lost". English is stupid. People are stupid. Everything is fucking dumb as hell!
From QA:
We should add to the onset letters {letters sent out to the claimant telling them why the date they alleged their disability began is not the date we will be using to start their disability payments} the reason why we allowed the claimant at 03/19/15. The reason is his attaining age 55 but we do not state that in the DDE specifically on the letter. We should add that he is disabled due to his age and that he became disabled when he reached age 55; or something like that. The current letter does not let the claimant know why we chose 03/19/15.
Please add a sentence or two to the onset letter.
My response:
Hi [dickprickfucker],
My previous and current supervisors have both told me
that I should not include the language "...because you turned a specific
age..." in a [letter to the claimant] for change of onset.
One supervisor gave me the language along the lines of "you are being allowed
on this date because that is when you met the requirements of the definition of
disability as it pertains to the Social Security Administration." My current supervisor is asking for a
clarification or a specific example of the correct language to use, or why this
particular case needs to include the language detailing that the claimant
turned a specific age and that's why we're allowing. Can you advise?
Thank you.dickprickfucker's response:
The case was returned to you because I do not think the
claimant or the SSA Rep can understand why the Onset date is 03/19/15.
Do You?
It is more than one year after the [alleged onset date]. It is not the claimant birthdate.
SSA writing is supposed to be understood by a person of
6th grade education level.
The Commissioner
Broadcast memo of 11/13/14 states we are supposed to promote clear
understanding and in accordance with the Plain Writing Act of 2010; " that the public can understand and
requires all Federal agencies to use plain language in documents that provide
information to the public. "
My response:
I understand using clear language and Plain Writing
Act. The language I've used in the [letter]
is language I've always used, and my feeling is that it is clear according to
the guidelines set forth for clear language.
In terms of presenting a clear understanding as to the concepts of why
3/19/15 was selected for the allowance date, this would require explaining the
workings of medical vocational allowances including that Social Security deems
an individual their next chronological age the day prior to their actual
birthday. It was my understanding that
these conceptual issues were complex enough to warrant the language I've used
without going into a fairly comprehensive explanation as to how medical
vocational allowances are determined. Of
course, I will do whatever I need to do in order to adjudicate and dispose of
this case in an accurate and timely fashion.
However, since I've always used this language, I would love an example
of how to clearly write the [letter] so that I can adjust my language for the
future.
At this point, I have asked dickprickfucker TWICE for language that would clear up this issue as I have assessed he is either asking me to explain Social Security procedures to a claimant, or use different language. He has also gone into some detail about how it's important to tell the claimant that they are being allowed because they turned 55, which puts them into a different category of rules and, ultimately, is the reason why they're being allowed when they are.
dickprickfucker's response:
I did not state we should try to explain medical vocational evaluation processes to the claimant.
Just that the decision letter should be understandable to a normal person.
I would add this sentence; Or something similar.
We considered the starting date of disability that you alleged but we did not find you to be disabled under
our rules for disability evaluation before 03/19/2015; when we reviewed your
age, education and medical records.
Upon reflection, this exchange was minor. The issue was petty. And, really, the only reason I'm upset is because the case was returned to me and it was unclear, for several email exchanges, how I should change what I had done in order to make it fit with what the QA idiot wanted. Typically, QA will send you something telling you what you did wrong, then they will tell you, specifically, what changes need to be made. "...or something like that..." is never included in the specific changes. Also, when you explain what you want done clearly, it's easier to understand what you want even when you make typos (like this idiot did), and EVERYBODY makes typos at some time.
This stupid fucker has just ruined my day so far. I'm now fighting to get back on track. What a dickprickfucker.
And while I'm at it, I think it's fucking stupid as hell that "proceed" has two "ee"s, and "procedure" has only one "e", and I can't keep the fucking pair separate! I also have a huge problem with "loose" versus "lose", and typically can only figure out which one is which when I think about the song "Lose Yourself", cuz I know that only has one "o", and means "to get lost". English is stupid. People are stupid. Everything is fucking dumb as hell!
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