This is a purely hypothetical situation.
Let's say that a man says to his wife, "I would take off work to go see the new Star Wars movie."
To which his wife gets upset and says, "You'd take off work for Star Wars, but you won't take off work to spend extra days with me at the Buffalo Ranch?!"
Hypothetically, it took me a day to come up with this response, which I think is pretty good:
"Star Wars has never given me attitude about taking time off work."
Hypothetically, that's a pretty good response.
But, hypothetically, the man didn't say that.
So it's all just hypothetical.
Meaning it didn't happen.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Language
In Spanish, "vaya con dios" means "go with god", while "vaya con dio" means "go with gave".
The plural of moose is moose.
The plural of mouse is mice.
The plural of goose is geese.
Loose louse lose is an actual sentence.
Apple is a fruit, a computer, and a human baby.
Sugar and honey are both sweeteners as well as terms of endearment, while syrup is just a sweetener.
Pudding is a dessert, while puddin' is a term of endearment.
Dessert is food.
Desert is a land mass.
A deserter deserts, or leaves.
A desserter doesn't dessert, or eat desserts, because "desserter" is Danish for "desserts" and not an English word meaning "one who eat desserts", which it obviously should be.
If you have more than one person, you have people.
Many people create a crowd.
In America, one crowd IS correct.
In Britain, one crowd ARE correct.
"Go over there", "Go over their", and "Go over they're" all sound identical, yet only the first one is an actual sentence. The second is, at best, incomplete. The third is nonsense and pisses off my wife.
"Dogs" can refer to animals or human feet.
"Cats" can refer to animals or cool humans, often associated with jazz.
"...cats and dogs" means "a lot of rain" when coupled with the phrase "it's raining...".
**Time out. It would appear that the assignment of "cats and dogs" to the phrase is purely arbitrary, and could just as well be any other coupling of anything, which, by virtue of being said after the words "it's raining..." would come to mean "a lot of rain". We might as well just say any of the following combinations of words.
"It's raining..."
...babies and yarn.
...saddle bags and day terrors.
...homies and poop.
...yak sushi and pie.
...purple und admonish.
...men and hallelujah.
...Time in.***
Tommy's bike is the bike belonging to Tommy, and we know that because of the apostrophe, while the tires belonging to the bike are its tires, sans apostrophe.
Blind people read Braille.
Hay comes in bales.
Criminals make bail.
So Christian Bale bails the baler reading Braille is something that might actually happen.
A train is a means of transportation, a length of dress or veil that drags on the ground behind the wearer, and a verb meaning to prepare for something.
A plain plane on the plains is a no-frills, aerial means of transportation located in a place where the topography is generally flat and dusty.
We are taught that no mammal lays eggs.
Then we are taught a platypus is a mammal that lays eggs.
And we did ALL of this to ourselves!!!
What were we thinking?!
Why didn't we make it easier?!
We're in control! It's not like we can't say, "okay, we fucked up. What we meant was..."
How in the world have we managed to communicate with each other at all?!
And why the fuck do we care?!
Why do we subject our children to years of torture under teachers who are instructing them in insanity?!
Do we hate our children that much?!
And are we so monumentally fucked up that we seriously can't make up our minds about shit?!
Everything's gotta have an exception, nothing can be consistent!
All we're really saying is that we are grandly inconsistent and nobody's got the balls to straighten it all out.
We're all doomed.
-or-
We're awl doomed.
-or-
We is all doomed.
The plural of moose is moose.
The plural of mouse is mice.
The plural of goose is geese.
Loose louse lose is an actual sentence.
Apple is a fruit, a computer, and a human baby.
Sugar and honey are both sweeteners as well as terms of endearment, while syrup is just a sweetener.
Pudding is a dessert, while puddin' is a term of endearment.
Dessert is food.
Desert is a land mass.
A deserter deserts, or leaves.
A desserter doesn't dessert, or eat desserts, because "desserter" is Danish for "desserts" and not an English word meaning "one who eat desserts", which it obviously should be.
If you have more than one person, you have people.
Many people create a crowd.
In America, one crowd IS correct.
In Britain, one crowd ARE correct.
"Go over there", "Go over their", and "Go over they're" all sound identical, yet only the first one is an actual sentence. The second is, at best, incomplete. The third is nonsense and pisses off my wife.
"Dogs" can refer to animals or human feet.
"Cats" can refer to animals or cool humans, often associated with jazz.
"...cats and dogs" means "a lot of rain" when coupled with the phrase "it's raining...".
**Time out. It would appear that the assignment of "cats and dogs" to the phrase is purely arbitrary, and could just as well be any other coupling of anything, which, by virtue of being said after the words "it's raining..." would come to mean "a lot of rain". We might as well just say any of the following combinations of words.
"It's raining..."
...babies and yarn.
...saddle bags and day terrors.
...homies and poop.
...yak sushi and pie.
...purple und admonish.
...men and hallelujah.
...Time in.***
Tommy's bike is the bike belonging to Tommy, and we know that because of the apostrophe, while the tires belonging to the bike are its tires, sans apostrophe.
Blind people read Braille.
Hay comes in bales.
Criminals make bail.
So Christian Bale bails the baler reading Braille is something that might actually happen.
A train is a means of transportation, a length of dress or veil that drags on the ground behind the wearer, and a verb meaning to prepare for something.
A plain plane on the plains is a no-frills, aerial means of transportation located in a place where the topography is generally flat and dusty.
We are taught that no mammal lays eggs.
Then we are taught a platypus is a mammal that lays eggs.
And we did ALL of this to ourselves!!!
What were we thinking?!
Why didn't we make it easier?!
We're in control! It's not like we can't say, "okay, we fucked up. What we meant was..."
How in the world have we managed to communicate with each other at all?!
And why the fuck do we care?!
Why do we subject our children to years of torture under teachers who are instructing them in insanity?!
Do we hate our children that much?!
And are we so monumentally fucked up that we seriously can't make up our minds about shit?!
Everything's gotta have an exception, nothing can be consistent!
All we're really saying is that we are grandly inconsistent and nobody's got the balls to straighten it all out.
We're all doomed.
-or-
We're awl doomed.
-or-
We is all doomed.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Answer The Door?
I don't remember being taught to answer the door. I do remember having safety measures handed down to me from somebody about how to answer the door. Make sure to look and see who is at the door before you open it, if you can. If you don't know the person, make sure the safety chain is latched before you open the door. Don't give out any personal information. Don't have sex with the person at the door more than twice without wearing a condom. Don't eat cheese 30 minutes before getting in the pool, or you might have hair grow on your palms. There were other things, too, that I can't remember.
The other day, I ordered a pizza for dinner. My son was sitting in the front room, and I was tucked away in the bedroom. I heard the doorbell ring, and figured it was the pizza delivery person. I heard the chair in the front room creak, indicating my son was getting up. I figured he was going to answer the door. By the time I got to the front room, I noticed that he had moved away from the door and into the kitchen, almost hiding. I was a bit confused.
After getting the pizza, I asked him why he didn't get the door. He told me that he never got the door. I asked why. He said because it was usually somebody selling something and he didn't want to be bothered with them. That sounded like a decent answer to me. I don't want to be bothered with people selling stuff. He went on to say that he was at home most of the day and there were lots of people who came to the door selling things. If he had known it was a pizza, he would've behaved differently, he told me. I took a stab and said that he had gotten up and moved away from the door so that the person at the door might not see him through the window and stay at the front door longer than needed. He said that was right. Then he asked me if that was a bad thing, and I didn't have an answer for him. I told him I'd get back to him with an answer.
I don't know how long ago that was, but it was a while, and I'm still uncertain how I feel about it.
The other day, I ordered a pizza for dinner. My son was sitting in the front room, and I was tucked away in the bedroom. I heard the doorbell ring, and figured it was the pizza delivery person. I heard the chair in the front room creak, indicating my son was getting up. I figured he was going to answer the door. By the time I got to the front room, I noticed that he had moved away from the door and into the kitchen, almost hiding. I was a bit confused.
After getting the pizza, I asked him why he didn't get the door. He told me that he never got the door. I asked why. He said because it was usually somebody selling something and he didn't want to be bothered with them. That sounded like a decent answer to me. I don't want to be bothered with people selling stuff. He went on to say that he was at home most of the day and there were lots of people who came to the door selling things. If he had known it was a pizza, he would've behaved differently, he told me. I took a stab and said that he had gotten up and moved away from the door so that the person at the door might not see him through the window and stay at the front door longer than needed. He said that was right. Then he asked me if that was a bad thing, and I didn't have an answer for him. I told him I'd get back to him with an answer.
I don't know how long ago that was, but it was a while, and I'm still uncertain how I feel about it.
Friday, May 8, 2015
Fuck Off Shitty Bitch
i was gonna make some kind of smart, brainy comment about how my wife makes great greeting cards that are cool and great and each one is hand-crafted so each one is lovingly massaged into being by my wife's mind and talented hands. i was gonna then say that her shitty co-worker is shitty, and have some kind of brainy way to scientifically prove her shitty co-worker should be shot.
but i don't wanna work that hard for her shitty co-worker. instead, it's pretty shitty that my wife has been creating cards for years now, and then you, Shitty Bitch, come along with your Crazy and decide, without any kind of go-ahead from the boss, that you're going to make crappy, shitty, ugly, pointless greeting cards for sale in the shop. and i don't give a shit how many people are buying your shitty, ugly, diseased cards. it doesn't mean they're better than my wife's. here, i can think of lots of reasons why your cards might seem like they're selling better than my wife's cards.
1. you have made more cards than my wife, because you just scribble on your cards, and the sheer number of cards you have made covers my wife's cards, so people buy your cards because they don't realize there's something actually good underneath all your shit.
2. you have made more cards than my wife, so mathematically it's probable that you will sell more cards than she does simply because there's more of your shit.
3. you annoy the customers to the point where they just buy your shit in order to shut you up
4. you annoy the customers to the point where they just stop fighting you as you push one of your own cards into their hands
5. you're a flabby bitch with a mammoth labia that's really ugly and scrapes the dirt when you play tennis poorly
6. you know that most people in this state are idiots and you make cards for them, and they, like idiots, come and support the person who understands them
7. you swallow ape jism
8. you're a dumbass cunt
9. nobody likes you
10. your cards are shitty, but not as shitty as you, and you'll always be shitty, because you're shitty
11. you sell more cards because you put drugs in your cards, so all the crack addicts come and buy your crack cards
12. you love hitler
13. your brother was inside you a lot
14. you have no artistic merit and your nose is dumb
15. you sell more cards because you always turn the display rack so that people can't see my wife's cards, like Cinderella's step-mother... except you're much worse and smell like a bad thing
16. you sell more cards because you have made under-the-table deals with everybody in town and your sales aren't based on actual Goodness Of Cards but on illegal deals that will send you directly to hell
17. you're a bloodfart
18. you're an asshole
19. you should break your legs a lot with pain in front of me and I'll fucking laugh and laugh and laugh
20. i've shit better shitty artists than you, you fuck
there.
20 reasons why you're a dildo.
and, coincidentally, 20 reasons why your cards may seem like they're selling better than my wife's cards.
fuck off, Shitty Bitch.
Fuck.
Off.
Shitty.
Bitch.
but i don't wanna work that hard for her shitty co-worker. instead, it's pretty shitty that my wife has been creating cards for years now, and then you, Shitty Bitch, come along with your Crazy and decide, without any kind of go-ahead from the boss, that you're going to make crappy, shitty, ugly, pointless greeting cards for sale in the shop. and i don't give a shit how many people are buying your shitty, ugly, diseased cards. it doesn't mean they're better than my wife's. here, i can think of lots of reasons why your cards might seem like they're selling better than my wife's cards.
1. you have made more cards than my wife, because you just scribble on your cards, and the sheer number of cards you have made covers my wife's cards, so people buy your cards because they don't realize there's something actually good underneath all your shit.
2. you have made more cards than my wife, so mathematically it's probable that you will sell more cards than she does simply because there's more of your shit.
3. you annoy the customers to the point where they just buy your shit in order to shut you up
4. you annoy the customers to the point where they just stop fighting you as you push one of your own cards into their hands
5. you're a flabby bitch with a mammoth labia that's really ugly and scrapes the dirt when you play tennis poorly
6. you know that most people in this state are idiots and you make cards for them, and they, like idiots, come and support the person who understands them
7. you swallow ape jism
8. you're a dumbass cunt
9. nobody likes you
10. your cards are shitty, but not as shitty as you, and you'll always be shitty, because you're shitty
11. you sell more cards because you put drugs in your cards, so all the crack addicts come and buy your crack cards
12. you love hitler
13. your brother was inside you a lot
14. you have no artistic merit and your nose is dumb
15. you sell more cards because you always turn the display rack so that people can't see my wife's cards, like Cinderella's step-mother... except you're much worse and smell like a bad thing
16. you sell more cards because you have made under-the-table deals with everybody in town and your sales aren't based on actual Goodness Of Cards but on illegal deals that will send you directly to hell
17. you're a bloodfart
18. you're an asshole
19. you should break your legs a lot with pain in front of me and I'll fucking laugh and laugh and laugh
20. i've shit better shitty artists than you, you fuck
there.
20 reasons why you're a dildo.
and, coincidentally, 20 reasons why your cards may seem like they're selling better than my wife's cards.
fuck off, Shitty Bitch.
Fuck.
Off.
Shitty.
Bitch.
Speculation As Fact
My office recently was involved with fundraising for the March of Dimes. As part of that fundraising, regular emails were delivered to all of us detailing personal stories of how the March of Dimes affected people in our office personally. Today was the final day, and we received this story today...
***Time out... why is it important to the story you're telling to include your husband "...running around the office, unable to find a supervisor..."? That doesn't add narrative that progress the plot. All it does is take up space and vilify the many people in the office who could be considered supervisors for your husband, and who are allowing you to spread your ignorant, vile, hate-filled message via their email, you fucking cunt. Time in...***
Here's my huge beef with this story: the last line is a total speculation wrapped up as a fact, and this happens all the time in our world. The accurate, honest way to express her sentiments might look like this: "My children benefited greatly because of the research the March of Dimes has done, possibly even owing their lives to this charity. Understandibly, this is very important to me, and I think it should be to you, too."
Going back to the way it's worded, it starts with a speculation-- "Had it not been for the research...". We cannot go back in time and see how things would be right now without the research that was done back then. In fact, her statement is not only speculative but also based on a type of Worst Case scenario where only the March of Dimes is capable of the research they did, and without them, no one else would have done the same research or even seen the need to do this research, making the same or similar research unavailable at the time of the twins' births.
This kind of statement is indicative of dangerously ignorant thinking. Like, "Had it not been for the anti-terrorism measures we took in this country, countless lives would have been taken by more terrorist attacks on domestic soil, perhaps in the form of a mushroom cloud. We must continue to fund and support these measures so that we don't have to face more attacks like 9/11, or worse."
People are the worst.
Our Preemie Story
Many of you know me and my husband [name] as we have been a part of the [office] team [husband] for 6 years and myself for 5. Some of you will remember when [husband] and I announced we were having twins. That pregnancy was very hard on me and I was on emergency medical bed rest at 24 weeks to prevent preterm labor, which we had already experienced with our oldest daughter. In the end we were able to prevent the birth of the twins until I was 35 weeks. For twins that is a good gestation.
The week prior to the birth of our twins I had begged my doctor for the steroid shots to develop the babies lungs as they were scheduled to be delivered via C-section at 35 weeks and 5 days or 04/30/2012. Only we never made it to the scheduled date. The day the twins were born, 04/25/2012, [husband] came home with lunch and then returned to the office, only for me to call him an hour later informing him that I had gone into labor. After running around the office, unable to find a supervisor, he rushed home to pick me up. And we were off to the hospital.
***Time out... why is it important to the story you're telling to include your husband "...running around the office, unable to find a supervisor..."? That doesn't add narrative that progress the plot. All it does is take up space and vilify the many people in the office who could be considered supervisors for your husband, and who are allowing you to spread your ignorant, vile, hate-filled message via their email, you fucking cunt. Time in...***
By the time we got to [the hospital], the contractions were already a minute apart and it was very scary, on my part. We were in an operating room within 45 minutes of walking into the door at the hospital. [The girl twin] and [the boy twin] were born at 4:51 PM within 15-30 seconds apart and have the same time on their birth certificates. In the midst of all the joy there was fear; [girl twin] couldn’t breathe on her own and [boy twin] was having trouble with very labored breathing. Both of our newborns were rushed to the NICU with [husband] on the heels of the NICU team. [Girl twin] was placed on a Ventilator and [boy twin] was placed on a CPAP. We were getting ready for a long haul, but were blessed when they were released from the NICU 11 days later on 05/05/2012. They are now very active, opinionated, and just completely joyous soon to be 3 year olds. Had it not been for the research the March of Dimes has done, [girl twin] wouldn’t be here today and it is ify that [boy twin] would be.
Here's my huge beef with this story: the last line is a total speculation wrapped up as a fact, and this happens all the time in our world. The accurate, honest way to express her sentiments might look like this: "My children benefited greatly because of the research the March of Dimes has done, possibly even owing their lives to this charity. Understandibly, this is very important to me, and I think it should be to you, too."
Going back to the way it's worded, it starts with a speculation-- "Had it not been for the research...". We cannot go back in time and see how things would be right now without the research that was done back then. In fact, her statement is not only speculative but also based on a type of Worst Case scenario where only the March of Dimes is capable of the research they did, and without them, no one else would have done the same research or even seen the need to do this research, making the same or similar research unavailable at the time of the twins' births.
This kind of statement is indicative of dangerously ignorant thinking. Like, "Had it not been for the anti-terrorism measures we took in this country, countless lives would have been taken by more terrorist attacks on domestic soil, perhaps in the form of a mushroom cloud. We must continue to fund and support these measures so that we don't have to face more attacks like 9/11, or worse."
People are the worst.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
I've Been Promoted!!
I'VE BEEN PROMOTED
A Short Dramedy
by Zon
TITLE CARD:
The following is a true story.
Lights up on ZON talking with JUANITA in her office.
JUANITA
We would like to offer you a promotion.
ZON
I accept!
JUANITA
Great. There will be an increase in work, as well as an increase in pay. But the promotion won't be "official" until you receive an email from HR.
ZON
Sounds great!
JUANITA
Now you can go out and buy a new car.
ZON
Well, there are a lot of necessities that need to be taken care of before I can even think about spending money on anything nice. A lot has happened to us, so this promotion isn't so much about getting to play, it's more about paying for tragedies that have already taken place. This is much-needed medicine.
JUANITA
I'm not authorized to talk with you about that.
ZON
(puzzled by this response)
... o... kay....
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
1 WEEK LATER
ZON sits in his cubicle, writing an email.
ZON
(voice over)
Amy, I came by your office last week but missed you. I wanted
to thank you for the offer of promotion. Juanita told
me about it on Thursday and I was thrilled, as you might have guessed.
Any ideas when that might take effect? Juanita said she wasn’t sure. Thank you, again.We hear ZON send the email, and almost immediately he receives a response to his email. He opens it and reads the email from AMY.
AMY
(voice over)
DRS – HR establishes the
effective date so we have no ideas regarding the timeframe until we hear from
them. Amy CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
1 MORE WEEK LATER
ZON sits in his cubicle, writing another email.
ZON
(voice over)
Hi Jeannie. About two weeks ago, 4/2/15, my supervisor, Juanita, told me that I was
being promoted. She said it would be
“official” as soon as I received an email from HR. My supervisor's supervisor, Amy, mentioned the
same thing when I spoke with her, also. I haven’t received that official email yet. It's been two weeks now, and I was wondering if this is something I
should be concerned with. Thanks for any help you can give.ZON smiles, and we hear him send the email. Almost immediately we hear he has received email. He checks his email, and we hear JEANNIE.
JEANNIE
(voice over)
The paperwork is in process. Sonya will be able to give
you the status as she is handling the process.ZON writes another email.
ZON
(voice over)
Hi Sonya. On 4/2/15 I was told by my supervisor that I was
being promoted. Neither she nor her supervisor were able to
give me any information about when the pay would take effect. I started receiving the added work at my new promotional levels that would go along with my promotion on April 6th, so I’m hoping that I would see the added pay in April’s check.
However, both my supervisor and her supervisor told me that my promotion status
wouldn’t be official until I received an official HR email, which I haven’t
received. Jeannie told me (see email chain below) that you would be
able to tell me the status of all of this, as it’s all very confusing to me right
now. Thank you. Zon.ZON sends the email.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
4 HOURS LATER
ZON gets an email. He opens it.
SONYA
(voice over)
Good morning Zonathon, I apologizes for the late
response, I was out of the office this morning. The paper work was submitted to
main payroll a couple of weeks ago (I believe). I haven’t heard anything from
them at this time, I will send an e-mail and if no response in the next hour I
will call over there to find out the status of your Detail and when will you
see the difference in your pay. Once again I apologizes for the late
response. Thanks, Sonya. CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
2 DAYS LATER
ZON writes an email.
ZON
(voice over)
Hi Sonya. Have you heard anything? I’m nervous that April’s check
won’t reflect the change, which would be disappointing. Thanks for all your help with this. Zon.ZON sends this email, and almost immediately receives an email. He opens it.
SONYA
(voice over)
Good morning, I apologies for not informing
you that Stephanie (at the main payroll) was out of the office, but I did leave
her a voicemail. Have you looked at you paycheck?
It’s available to view. Please check and advise. ZON writes a response.
ZON
(voice over)
My paycheck does not reflect the change, which is why I was
getting nervous. I think I checked it on the 15th (was it
available that early?) and it showed the same that it always does. I
thought that, since I was told about my promotion and started working increased
levels at the beginning of the month that I would also see an increase in pay
for this month, since it happened at the beginning of the month. ZON sends the email, and immediately receives a response. It's SONYA.
SONYA
(voice over)
They get in the office around
8:30am. I will call and speak to someone and find out something for you this
morning. I understand this is frustrating to you, but I’m really have
been trying to get answers. ZON writes a response.
ZON
(voice over)
Thank you, Sonya. I appreciate all you’ve done and
continue to do for me. I know the process can, sometimes, be slow.
Thank you for all your help.A knock is heard on ZON's door. SONYA walks in.
SONYA
I thought I would just come by and tell you what I found out. Your promotion was accepted by HR on April 22nd, but your paperwork was submitted before that, so that's when it became official. Because you weren't promoted on the exact first day of the month, then your increased pay won't appear on this month's paycheck. You'll get a pro-rated paycheck at the middle pay period, the 12th of the month, for the time you worked during the month of April.
ZON
Oh. Okay, so on May 12th, I'll get a pro-rated check for the amount of time I've worked at my heightened levels, and then by the end of May, my actual paycheck will be at a regular level?
SONYA
Yes.
ZON
Okay. That's too bad, but at least I know now. I guess I'll just wait until May 12th. Thanks.SONYA leaves.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
2 WEEKS LATER
ZON writes an email.
ZON
(voice over)
Hi Sonya. Thank you for all your help with my issues. I have another
question for you. I’ve checked my paycheck this morning and it isn’t what
I expected. When you came and talked with me, you told me that my promotion had been made official on April 22nd, even though I was told
about it 4/2/15 and started working at heightened levels 4/6/15. You said
that my mid-month paycheck in May would be pro-rated and that I would get a
full month at the end of May. What I had understood that to mean was that
I would receive a pro-rated pay for the increased work I had done from April 6th
through the end of the month, but I’m guessing that’s not the case based on
what I’m seeing in my check. I’m not sure what timeframe my mid-month
check in May reflects, and what I should expect at the end of the month.
Are you able to clarify any of this for me? I truly appreciate your
help. Zon. ZON sends the email.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
2 HOURS LATER
ZON gets an email. He opens it.
SONYA
(voice over)
Good morning. I will come talk with you
shortly. I apologizes for the misunderstanding, but I will try to explain it to
you the way it was explained to me. See you in a few. ZON writes a response.
ZON
(voice over)
Thanks again, Sonya. CUT TO:
TITLE CARD
4 HOURS LATER
ZON writes an email.
ZON
(voice over)
Hi Sonya. I just returned from the bathroom and wanted to
make sure that I hadn’t missed you if you had come by.CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
6 HOURS LATER
(AT ZON'S HOME)
ZON sits with MRS. ZON.
MRS. ZON
Did you hear from anybody about your paycheck?
ZON
No.Pause.
MRS. ZON
Motherfuckers.Several tornadoes are heard and seen hitting around ZON and MRS. ZON's home. People are seen freaking the fuck out.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD:
THE NEXT DAY
ZON writes an email.
ZON
(voice over)
Hi Sonya, Didn’t hear from you yesterday. Hoping you can explain my
pay situation to me today. Thank you. Zon.SONYA knocks on ZON's cubicle and sits down.
SONYA
So here's what's happened. You're getting paid on the middle pay period because you didn't get promoted on the exact first day of the month.
ZON
Right, I know that part. But the pay that I'm getting is really, really low, and I wanted to know what portion of the month I was getting paid for.
SONYA
So, when did we get promoted?
ZON
I started getting increased work on the 6th. But you told me last time you came by that my paperwork had been officially accepted by HR on the 22nd. So I was told about my promotion on the 2nd, I got increased work on the 6th, the middle pay period ends on the 12th, and HR officially accepted my paperwork on the 22nd. Which of those dates am I getting paid for in this check I'm getting on May 12th?
SONYA
Okay, when was we told about the promotion?
ZON
On April 2nd.
SONYA
And was we told that we would be getting paid then?
ZON
No, I was told that I wasn't officially promoted until I got an email or letter from HR, which I still haven't received.
SONYA
I gave you a letter last time.
ZON
No, you never did.
SONYA
Didn't I?
ZON
No.
SONYA
(doing heavy calculations in her head, under her breath, we can smell her brain burning)
Zonathon... Zon... hmmmmmm... (fully addressing ZON now) Well, if you didn't get your letter, then they didn't get their letter either. Well, there's a letter I need to get to you, which makes your promotion official.
ZON
Okay.SONYA smiles, like she's a guest at a party. Pause.
SONYA
Congratulations!
ZON
So, have I been promoted?
SONYA
Oh yes!
ZON
But I haven't received a letter or email, and that was supposed to be the defining event. Which hasn't happened yet. Plus I'm not getting paid...
SONYA
You're getting paid. You're getting a mid-month check.
ZON
Yes, but I don't know what that's for. There's no time period for that check. I don't know what period of time that check is supposed to cover.
SONYA
Well, your paperwork was accepted on the 22nd.
ZON
Will I get a letter indicating that?
SONYA
Yes, we will get an email telling us about the promotion.
ZON
So at that point, I will officially be made aware that I have been accepted into my promotional position.
SONYA
Yes.
ZON
And what time period does my mid-month paycheck cover?
SONYA
Well, your paperwork was made official on the 22nd.
ZON
So my mid-month pay is only for April 22nd through the 29th, just the last week of the month?
SONYA
Yes. It's pro-rated.
ZON
So I will see the rest of my pay at the end of May?
SONYA
Well, officially, according to the rules, in the book, you can work for a period of six months at your current level.
ZON
Are you saying that I worked for two weeks for free?
SONYA
No! Not at all! According to the rules, you can work for a period of 6 months at increased levels before compensation is required to increase with those levels.
ZON
So, the two-week and two-day period of time that I worked at increased levels will not have increased pay associated with them?
SONYA
Well, we can work for a period of six months...
ZON
No, I feel ya on that. But what you're telling me is that for two weeks and two days I worked without increase in pay or knowledge that I was going without increase in pay?
SONYA
(squinching up her face)
I mean, I don't want to say "yes", but...
ZON
But "yes"?SONYA sheepishly shrugs, meaning "yes".
ZON (cont.)
Okay. Have I been promoted?
SONYA
Oh yes!
ZON
You feel me on this, though? Cuz I want to make sure, cuz what you just told me that I worked for more than half a month thinking I had been promoted when I hadn't been, even though I was getting more work like I had been promoted. I haven't received an official email or letter, and I've been told that is what I need in order to make my promotion official.
SONYA
But you are getting paid, and that's a good indicator that promotions.
ZON
Yeah, I feel ya on that. But there's no indication on my paycheck as to what that extra pay is for, that my level has been increased, what time period it's for, nothing. So as far as I know, I'm just getting extra money for no reason.
SONYA
No, your check tells you what your level is.
ZON
No, it doesn't.
SONYA
Yeah, in the upper right corner, it should tell you what time period it is for and what level you are at.
ZON
(turning to his computer)
Will you stay here with me while I look it up so you can show me? Because I might be looking in the wrong place.
SONYA
Oh sure.SONYA stands next to ZON as he accesses his paycheck on his computer. As he does, SONYA notices a large container of peanut butter filled pretzels.
SONYA
(pointing to the container)
Are these from Sam's?
ZON
I don't think so. They were a gift from my wife for my birthday. But "market pantry" is a Target brand name, so I'm guessing she got them from Target. Would you like some?
SONYA
Oh no! My stomach is all twisted up. My girlfriend, my sister, they all eat whatever they want for breakfast. Me, I can't do that. They eat pizza, spaghetti, fried chicken for breakfast. If I eat that for breakfast I throw up. I can't do it!
ZON
Okay, well maybe you shouldn't have any pretzels for breakfast.
SONYA
(noticing the large container of cashews next to the pretzels)
Oh, I just love these.
ZON
Cashews are awesome. So buttery. So delicious!
SONYA
They're great! Did you get these from Sam's?
ZON
(mildly surprised that he was getting another question regarding Sam's)
Those are all part of the birthday gift, so I don't think so. "Archer Farms" is another Target brand, so...ZON has pulled up his check at this point. SONYA comes closer so that she can see his check. She points to an area on his check.
SONYA
(pointing)
You see here, where it says...SONYA stops. Her finger starts to search around on the paycheck on the screen as she realizes that what she is looking at isn't what she expected to be looking at. Her finger glides over the screen, from one place to another, looking for the information she had said was going to be there. There is no indication regarding ZON's classification level or pay per level.
SONYA (cont.)
That's weird.
ZON
And you see, there's also no indication as to what period of time this pay is for.
SONYA
(pointing)
There it is.
ZON
That say it begins on April 1st and ends on April 30th.
SONYA
That's the pay period.
ZON
Except it isn't. You told me this was a pro-rated check for which I'm only being paid for part of the month.
SONYA
Oh, I get it. The period is for the beginning of the month through to the end of the month. So, since we got promoted in that time, that's what they're paying us for.
ZON
But they're not. I was told on the 2nd I was promoted, I started working at increased levels on the 6th, and this check only represents pay since the 22nd, it sounds like, but there's no way of knowing this pay is only for my work from the 22nd on.
SONYA
Well, that's when your paperwork became official.
ZON
(resigning himself to the fact that SONYA was hired to fill some kind of quota)
Okay. I think I understand.
SONYA
Okay.
ZON
You're going to send me the email or the letter saying that I'm officially promoted?
SONYA
Yes, I'll go get that, and it may take me a second but I'll send that over to you or come by. And then later today, I can come by and get some cashews?
ZON
Sure. Come on by.
SONYA
(laughing)
Okay! I'll see you later!SONYA leaves. ZON doesn't complain, because he's looking on the bright side of life and is grateful to have a job. Lots of people don't have jobs. Lots of people don't have legs and they have to crawl on the floor. Some people don't have floors! ZON was grateful he had a floor. How lucky he was to live in such an honest, wonderful, sunshiny world.
THE END
Pulitzer me now, please.
Friday, May 1, 2015
Last Night/This Morning's Really Vivid Dream
I was with a group of people in an enclosed place. They felt like coworkers.
Over a radio or PA system, a man sounded desperate as he called for help.
He was trapped in a building with many children. They couldn't get out. And the building was on fire.
He was calmly yet anxiously asking for help. Any firemen or emergency crews were needed. Ambulances, anything would help. Please send help.
I looked around my group of people.
None of them were doing anything but looking in the direction of the man's voice... there must have been a radio that I couldn't see. They were all staring at it. None of them looked around or talked to each other. None of them moved or did anything. I was a little baffled.
The man came over the radio to tell us things were getting worse. The fire was growing and the children were starting to get scared. He, again, asked for firemen. But this time he asked for cops or teachers, or even people from neighboring businesses to help them. It was getting hot.
Nobody where I worked did anything. Nobody looked at anyone.
The man came back on the radio, and said that they really needed help. Any help at all.
I got up and went to go help.
I went to Best Buy. I, obviously, needed the right music to play as I pulled out children and the man from the fire. I also needed some tense music to play as I actually went into the fire, and then some hero music to play as we emerged from the fire. But I was also feeling the pressure to make sure that I didn't waste too much time picking out music, because I really needed to get over there. I decided I was going to continue wearing my sweatpants and my Croc shoes, and after spending a few minutes with my iPod and not being able to find the right music, I just clicked one of the stereos in the store to play a radio station, and ran out of the store towards the fire.
The fire was taking place in one of the buildings on the campus of the college where my mother used to teach. I texted the man (I guess I knew his phone number) to tell me where they were. He told me to look for the smoke. Duh. Of course. I started running. And it was much further away than I thought it was going to be. There would be no way anyone would hear my music or the radio station I was playing for them and their rescue. Crap. Well, I guess I would know for next time.
As I got closer, the smoke really started to get thick. I could actually smell it. I could actually feel it constricting my lungs and making breath difficult. I could feel my chest getting hotter. I also started to notice small pieces of fire littering the street where there were no cars. And these patches of burning started to become pretty regular patches. But I kept running towards the fire. Before I could actually see the fire, the street started filling up with a lot of patches of fire, so I was having to hop around them so that my sweatpants didn't catch on fire. But soon there were too many patches of fire on the street for me to continue running at the rate I was running. I tried to slow down my run, but I couldn't. It was like somebody was pushing me, even though nobody was behind me. I continued to run at the same fast speed, and the fiery street started burning more and more, and I started to step on the fire. I could actually feel the fire burn my legs under my pants, and I could feel the bumps and heat on my feet from the burning street.
I awoke in a panic.
Over a radio or PA system, a man sounded desperate as he called for help.
He was trapped in a building with many children. They couldn't get out. And the building was on fire.
He was calmly yet anxiously asking for help. Any firemen or emergency crews were needed. Ambulances, anything would help. Please send help.
I looked around my group of people.
None of them were doing anything but looking in the direction of the man's voice... there must have been a radio that I couldn't see. They were all staring at it. None of them looked around or talked to each other. None of them moved or did anything. I was a little baffled.
The man came over the radio to tell us things were getting worse. The fire was growing and the children were starting to get scared. He, again, asked for firemen. But this time he asked for cops or teachers, or even people from neighboring businesses to help them. It was getting hot.
Nobody where I worked did anything. Nobody looked at anyone.
The man came back on the radio, and said that they really needed help. Any help at all.
I got up and went to go help.
I went to Best Buy. I, obviously, needed the right music to play as I pulled out children and the man from the fire. I also needed some tense music to play as I actually went into the fire, and then some hero music to play as we emerged from the fire. But I was also feeling the pressure to make sure that I didn't waste too much time picking out music, because I really needed to get over there. I decided I was going to continue wearing my sweatpants and my Croc shoes, and after spending a few minutes with my iPod and not being able to find the right music, I just clicked one of the stereos in the store to play a radio station, and ran out of the store towards the fire.
The fire was taking place in one of the buildings on the campus of the college where my mother used to teach. I texted the man (I guess I knew his phone number) to tell me where they were. He told me to look for the smoke. Duh. Of course. I started running. And it was much further away than I thought it was going to be. There would be no way anyone would hear my music or the radio station I was playing for them and their rescue. Crap. Well, I guess I would know for next time.
As I got closer, the smoke really started to get thick. I could actually smell it. I could actually feel it constricting my lungs and making breath difficult. I could feel my chest getting hotter. I also started to notice small pieces of fire littering the street where there were no cars. And these patches of burning started to become pretty regular patches. But I kept running towards the fire. Before I could actually see the fire, the street started filling up with a lot of patches of fire, so I was having to hop around them so that my sweatpants didn't catch on fire. But soon there were too many patches of fire on the street for me to continue running at the rate I was running. I tried to slow down my run, but I couldn't. It was like somebody was pushing me, even though nobody was behind me. I continued to run at the same fast speed, and the fiery street started burning more and more, and I started to step on the fire. I could actually feel the fire burn my legs under my pants, and I could feel the bumps and heat on my feet from the burning street.
I awoke in a panic.
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