Our youngest has been gone for about two weeks, the normal amount of time for him to be gone.
His time with us started when my wife texted me:
Apparently I'm supposed to pick up [our youngest] from school. He's asking where I am. On my way to him.
Let me spell this out for you.
Our Youngest goes to school.
His Father tell him his Mother will be picking him up from school.
His Father tells him this because this is not the usual thing.
Father does not discuss this with Mother.
So when Youngest gets out of school, he is left with this thought,
"Mom didn't come and pick me up."
Youngest has negative thoughts about Mother.
And there's not much Mother can do about it.
She could complain to Youngest about Father.
"He didn't tell me."
But Youngest has had enough of the fighting.
It's tough raising a kid.
It's even tougher raising a kid when his other parent is trying to turn him against you.
So then he arrives at our house.
He is wearing the pendant that his Father gave him when his Father got married for the third time and Youngest was Father's best man.
The front of the pendant, which looks like a dog tag, has a deep Christian cross engraved in it, with the leg and arm pieces engraved to look like nails. On the back of the pendant is engraved "Ps 144 1-2". This is Psalm 144, 1-2, KJV:
Blessed be the Lord my strength which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight:
My goodness, and my fortress; my high tower, and my deliverer; my shield, and he in whom I trust; who sudueth my people under me.
When I got married, I focused on Love.
When Youngest's Father got married for the third time, he thought about War, and subduing people under him.
Fucking sick shit.
And then I was told that my wife's mother had dropped off crab legs for Youngest's birthday.
Crab legs are my wife's favorite food.
And when she was a child, she was told that she could have anything she wanted for a meal for her birthday. She said crab legs. Her mother said no, they're too expensive.
Now she drops off crab legs for the 14 year old on his birthday.
What a fucking cunt.
There aren't strong enough words to express how fucking horrible I think she is.
She and Youngest's Father are twins in fucking Cuntdom. Fucking FUCKING CUNTS!!
And I'm supposed to help our Youngest celebrate his birthday today.
And I'm supposed to relax over the weekend.
And I'm supposed to fucking pick up boys for a fucking party.
And all I wanna do is smash everyone and everything!
Burn it all to the fucking ground!
Smash and burn and smash!!
Instead of that, though...
...I have blogged.
It's not even close to being the same.
Now... on to pick up boys and get burgers.
Hoo. Ray.
Friday, December 19, 2014
The Stupid
I used to want to be a super hero and save people.
Now, I'm fairly certain that most people should die in a car fire or be lost in a submarine accident.
I don't want to be a super hero anymore. I don't want to save people. I want most people to leave me alone. I want most people to die, or go away, and if they can't die or go away, just go to the other side of the room where I don't have to be bothered with their Stupid.
I'm really, really tired of other people's Stupid. Not because I give a shit about them, but their Stupid is spilling over into my meal, and I don't want to eat my soup with their Stupid.
I don't see a way to educate the Stupid out of them, and I have no hope for this.
I can't see that they will all go away.
I can't see that they will all become enlightened. Primarily because they're Stupid.
So I gotta go away.
Ima take my comforter, my computer, my DVDs, my guitar, my video cameras, my iPod, and my keyboard and go live under a rock. Where nobody can get to me. I may buy an arcade Donkey Kong for my rock house, but maybe not. It might not fit. Whatever. I don't care. I'll just find a place that has a Donkey Kong machine and play it there. I think the hot dog place around the corner has a Donkey Kong machine. I'll go there an play and then get back under my rock.
I'm so ultra tire of people.
So draining.
So stupid.
So draining I can't think of another word meaning Suck Out Your Desire To Live.
I gotta do some of my stupid work now.
Shit sucks sometimes.
Now, I'm fairly certain that most people should die in a car fire or be lost in a submarine accident.
I don't want to be a super hero anymore. I don't want to save people. I want most people to leave me alone. I want most people to die, or go away, and if they can't die or go away, just go to the other side of the room where I don't have to be bothered with their Stupid.
I'm really, really tired of other people's Stupid. Not because I give a shit about them, but their Stupid is spilling over into my meal, and I don't want to eat my soup with their Stupid.
I don't see a way to educate the Stupid out of them, and I have no hope for this.
I can't see that they will all go away.
I can't see that they will all become enlightened. Primarily because they're Stupid.
So I gotta go away.
Ima take my comforter, my computer, my DVDs, my guitar, my video cameras, my iPod, and my keyboard and go live under a rock. Where nobody can get to me. I may buy an arcade Donkey Kong for my rock house, but maybe not. It might not fit. Whatever. I don't care. I'll just find a place that has a Donkey Kong machine and play it there. I think the hot dog place around the corner has a Donkey Kong machine. I'll go there an play and then get back under my rock.
I'm so ultra tire of people.
So draining.
So stupid.
So draining I can't think of another word meaning Suck Out Your Desire To Live.
I gotta do some of my stupid work now.
Shit sucks sometimes.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Delta Dental Insurance 12/2014
I have dental insurance with Delta Dental, with which I cover my 18 year-old and my wife.
My 18 year-old got his teeth cleaned at the dentist recently.
No fillings, nothing weird. Just a cleaning.
The bill was $156.
After the insurance covered their part, we were stuck with the remainder of the bill.
$107.
Delta Dental Insurance paid $49.
Less than a third of the total bill.
I have been with Delta Dental for 5 years now.
I pay them $96.52 every month for dental coverage. For them to cover my dental needs when I need it. When my family needs it. So that I'm not put into financial straits when it's time to care for the health needs of myself and my family.
For 5 years I have not used the service that I have been paying for.
For 5 years, no one in my family has used their service.
Over this period of time, they have received $5,791.20 from me alone.
I have never cost them any money, nor has any member of my family.
When I need to use this service that I've been paying for, they do not pay for the bill.
They do not pay for half of the bill.
They pay less than 1% of the total amount of money I've paid them over my time with them.
My family will need to make some changes to afford this charge.
We will need to make some serious changes in order to afford wisdom teeth removal from my 18-year-old. It's possible that we won't be able to afford to care for his health even with health insurance.
Of course, the alternative is even worse.
My work pays me a stipend, an extra amount of money each month, to pay for health insurance.
That stipend is mine only if I elect to receive health insurance from the companies they provide.
If I don't select health insurance through my job, then I don't receive that stipend.
Any money from the stipend that is left over after I pay for my health insurance is given to my in my paycheck.
In 2015, my stipend will not cover all of my health insurance costs, and I will, for the first time in five years, be paying for my health insurance coverage with money beyond that which I am provided in my stipend.
I will be taking money I use to care for my family and spending it to provide services which I cannot afford to use.
I wouldn't be able to make ends meet if I had to pay $96.52 of my own money every month for dental insurance.
And the national narrative is that I don't work hard enough.
If you work hard enough, you can get anything you want.
You can become rich.
You can take care of yourself and your family.
If you work hard enough.
And those who don't work hard enough aren't able to do that.
We who are lazy are feeling the pressures of not enough money.
It is my fault that I'm in this position.
I'm not educated enough.
I didn't make the right decisions.
Something that puts the blame on me.
I'm to blame that things are tough, and if I just worked harder I would be better off.
My family doesn't work hard enough.
My family is lazy.
We're all lazy.
And therefore we're deserving of difficult financial times.
If only we were better educated.
If only we had made different choices.
We would be able to afford what we need.
In order to afford to get his teeth cleaned, my son needed dental insurance.
Along with the bill for dental insurance, we needed to pay for the cost of his procedure dental insurance didn't cover.
In order to pay a $156 teeth cleaning bill, we needed to pay $96.52 this month alone plus the extra amount the insurance wouldn't cover.
Let's break it down like this:
My son got his teeth cleaned.
The bill for this service was $156.
We will pay $203.52 for this service.
This needs to be a crime.
This absolutely must be against the law, as it is an abomination.
And why have you remained silent about this?
Is it because it really doesn't matter if another poor family gets poorly taken care of in this country?
Is it because it really doesn't matter if another poor family gets poorly taken care of in your country?
And why are you proud to be part of a country that treats its citizens poorly?
And why do you continue to listen to the lies you've been fed all your life?
And why have you remained silent?
My 18 year-old got his teeth cleaned at the dentist recently.
No fillings, nothing weird. Just a cleaning.
The bill was $156.
After the insurance covered their part, we were stuck with the remainder of the bill.
$107.
Delta Dental Insurance paid $49.
Less than a third of the total bill.
I have been with Delta Dental for 5 years now.
I pay them $96.52 every month for dental coverage. For them to cover my dental needs when I need it. When my family needs it. So that I'm not put into financial straits when it's time to care for the health needs of myself and my family.
For 5 years I have not used the service that I have been paying for.
For 5 years, no one in my family has used their service.
Over this period of time, they have received $5,791.20 from me alone.
I have never cost them any money, nor has any member of my family.
When I need to use this service that I've been paying for, they do not pay for the bill.
They do not pay for half of the bill.
They pay less than 1% of the total amount of money I've paid them over my time with them.
My family will need to make some changes to afford this charge.
We will need to make some serious changes in order to afford wisdom teeth removal from my 18-year-old. It's possible that we won't be able to afford to care for his health even with health insurance.
Of course, the alternative is even worse.
My work pays me a stipend, an extra amount of money each month, to pay for health insurance.
That stipend is mine only if I elect to receive health insurance from the companies they provide.
If I don't select health insurance through my job, then I don't receive that stipend.
Any money from the stipend that is left over after I pay for my health insurance is given to my in my paycheck.
In 2015, my stipend will not cover all of my health insurance costs, and I will, for the first time in five years, be paying for my health insurance coverage with money beyond that which I am provided in my stipend.
I will be taking money I use to care for my family and spending it to provide services which I cannot afford to use.
I wouldn't be able to make ends meet if I had to pay $96.52 of my own money every month for dental insurance.
And the national narrative is that I don't work hard enough.
If you work hard enough, you can get anything you want.
You can become rich.
You can take care of yourself and your family.
If you work hard enough.
And those who don't work hard enough aren't able to do that.
We who are lazy are feeling the pressures of not enough money.
It is my fault that I'm in this position.
I'm not educated enough.
I didn't make the right decisions.
Something that puts the blame on me.
I'm to blame that things are tough, and if I just worked harder I would be better off.
My family doesn't work hard enough.
My family is lazy.
We're all lazy.
And therefore we're deserving of difficult financial times.
If only we were better educated.
If only we had made different choices.
We would be able to afford what we need.
In order to afford to get his teeth cleaned, my son needed dental insurance.
Along with the bill for dental insurance, we needed to pay for the cost of his procedure dental insurance didn't cover.
In order to pay a $156 teeth cleaning bill, we needed to pay $96.52 this month alone plus the extra amount the insurance wouldn't cover.
Let's break it down like this:
My son got his teeth cleaned.
The bill for this service was $156.
We will pay $203.52 for this service.
This needs to be a crime.
This absolutely must be against the law, as it is an abomination.
And why have you remained silent about this?
Is it because it really doesn't matter if another poor family gets poorly taken care of in this country?
Is it because it really doesn't matter if another poor family gets poorly taken care of in your country?
And why are you proud to be part of a country that treats its citizens poorly?
And why do you continue to listen to the lies you've been fed all your life?
And why have you remained silent?
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
And People Listened
He was going to fight her.
He wanted to hurt her.
So he brought charges.
Legal charges.
"This is what she's done!" he screamed.
And people listened.
He continued to fight her.
He wanted to hurt her.
So he brought charges.
Legal charges.
Again.
"This is what's happened now!" he screamed.
And people listened.
And she ran out of time.
And she ran out of money.
And she ran out of patience.
But had no choice to continue
To show up when his Crazy screamed
And people listened.
He continued to fight her.
He wanted to hurt her.
So he brought charges.
Legal charges.
Again again.
"This is how she's bad for our children!" he screamed.
And again again, people listened.
And people told her to accept it.
People told her to get over it.
People told her to let it go.
And even when she did, he did not.
And people told her to stop fighting.
And people told her he would keep fighting.
And people told her she couldn't change him.
And people told her he looked good and presented well.
And she would loose if she continued to fight him.
And she was told that saying he was lying was fighting
And she was told standing up to his accusations was fighting
And she was told that she was the reason the fight continued
If she would just give up and surrender to everything, the fight would end.
So she stops
She doesn't move
In the hopes to stop the fight
Nothing new happens
Good or bad
Because anything new could be attacked
And anything new could be judged
And anything new might make him scream
"This is new! Look at what she's doing now!"
And people would listen.
He wanted to hurt her.
So he brought charges.
Legal charges.
"This is what she's done!" he screamed.
And people listened.
He continued to fight her.
He wanted to hurt her.
So he brought charges.
Legal charges.
Again.
"This is what's happened now!" he screamed.
And people listened.
And she ran out of time.
And she ran out of money.
And she ran out of patience.
But had no choice to continue
To show up when his Crazy screamed
And people listened.
He continued to fight her.
He wanted to hurt her.
So he brought charges.
Legal charges.
Again again.
"This is how she's bad for our children!" he screamed.
And again again, people listened.
And people told her to accept it.
People told her to get over it.
People told her to let it go.
And even when she did, he did not.
And people told her to stop fighting.
And people told her he would keep fighting.
And people told her she couldn't change him.
And people told her he looked good and presented well.
And she would loose if she continued to fight him.
And she was told that saying he was lying was fighting
And she was told standing up to his accusations was fighting
And she was told that she was the reason the fight continued
If she would just give up and surrender to everything, the fight would end.
So she stops
She doesn't move
In the hopes to stop the fight
Nothing new happens
Good or bad
Because anything new could be attacked
And anything new could be judged
And anything new might make him scream
"This is new! Look at what she's doing now!"
And people would listen.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
So... Why Are Insurance Costs Going Up??
I get a stipend from my work to pay for health insurance. My job pays me a salary and, in addition, pays me a stipend to spend on health insurance. They provide me with a list of providers, and I get to use their money to pay for one of their providers. If I choose a health care provider who costs more than what my stipend is, I have to pay an out-of-pocket expense for that health insurance. If I choose a health care provider who costs less than my stipend, the amount of money I don't spend is returned to me in my paycheck. So if I'm concerned with bringing home as much money as possible, then it makes more sense to choose a cheap health care provider than an expensive one.
With the insurance that we "pay for" ourselves, there are still co-pays and costs associated with going to the doctor. It's not as much as it could be, but there is a cost. So even though I pay for insurance to pay for health care, I also must pay for health care. Which means I need the money to pay for health care, which brings me back to the concept of getting as much money in my check every month as possible.
Last year, we were told that our premiums would increase. We were told this was because of the Affordable Care Act (ACA), aka ObamaCare. It's one of those answers we get far too frequently: an answer that sounds like it makes sense, but it doesn't. We don't know why ObamaCare was raising prices, we were just told ObamaCare was raising prices. It feels like a very Cave Man way of thinking. Did ObamaCare actually raise insurance prices? No. It didn't. But so many people simply will not believe that because the answer to Why Is My Health Insurance Price Rising is ObamaCare, and anyone with a Cro-Magnon brain knows that (that's Early Human to those of you without Cro-Magnon brains). It's the same reason why all full-time employees (excluding management) at Carl's Jr. were suddenly made into part-time employees: ObamaCare. Did ObamaCare force Carl's Jr. to give employees less hours and cut their benefits? No. But the reason why people making minimum wage are now working less hours, cutting their paycheck substantially, is ObamaCare.
It doesn't matter that Carl's Jr. decided to cut employees hours so that they wouldn't have to provide health insurance or benefits for their full-time employees and "take care" of the people they hired to make sure their business continues to operate on a daily basis. It doesn't matter that insurance companies have increased their prices without increasing services. It doesn't matter, because people continue to parrot the blaming point ObamaCare.
It's like an all-too-familiar situation I've been in for the last 7 years of my life. Mom and Dad get divorced, and the children are caught in the middle. One parent wants to care for the children, and the other parent wants to Win The Battle. Doesn't matter that there isn't a battle, because he's gonna win it. So the parent who is taking care of the kids tries to make them comfortable. The parent who is trying to win the battle says to them, "if you do what I say, I won't bother you. If you do what your mother says, I'll make your life a living hell." He's not concerned with the welfare of the kids because anyone who says "I'll make your life a living hell" isn't concerned with health and welfare! Kinda like the employer who says "you can have ObamaCare which will assist you in caring for your health, but if you do, we will actively prevent you from being able to care for your health." The insurance company and corporations like Carl's Jr. are holding employees and policy holders hostage. And while they hold the guns to our heads, they point to ObamaCare and say, "Look at what your foolish president is making us do!" And then they pull the trigger.
Here are some key provisions of ObamaCare. If your company has 50 or more full-time employees, you must provide those employees with health insurance. Your company doesn't have to pay for it, because the federal government has allotted money to assist you with this cost. All you have to do is accept the money. When you do, the government will provide you with insurance providers they use, or you can use their money to pay for insurance providers you would prefer to use, and your employees will have those same options. Insurance companies will be paid with these funds. In turn, insurance companies will pay doctors and health care providers to provide you with care for your health. So you can live healthy. Insurance companies cannot turn you away because you were sick before you got insurance. This was a very common practice previous to ObamaCare. Insurance companies would deny their services to those who needed it most. ObamaCare said that insurance companies couldn't do that.
In order to combat the evils of caring for people, insurance companies increased their prices without increasing their services. And companies like Carl's Jr. decided to cut the hours of their full-time employees, making them part-time employees and, thus, wouldn't need to provide them with care for their health as well as stripping them of their income. Corporations like Hobby Lobby decided to take their concerns to the Supreme Court, which agreed that Hobby Lobby wouldn't be forced to provide care for their employees. Hobby Lobby has always insisted that they pay their employees $11 an hour or more, far above minimum wage, so that they can buy health insurance. An employee making $11 an hour for 40 hours brings home about $1200 after taxes. The cheapest living arrangement I could find just now was a room for rent on Craigslist with a 58-year-old casual beer drinking male who was looking for a laid back woman, "espanic or Caucasion", to pay him $200 a month and be his wife. So after getting a room and a husband, that employee now has $1000 a month to live on. I pay over $1400 a month for health insurance. So after paying the $1000 the employee has, and $400 that the employee doesn't have, that employee now has health insurance, a husband, a place to stay, a job, and nothing else (except the $400 in debt). No food, no toothpaste, no condoms, no aspirin, no clothes, no deodorant, no nothing. No extra money for anything. And debt. Thank you, Hobby Lobby, for being so considerate of your employees that you provide them with nothing except debt and expect people to thank you for it.
http://prescriptions.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/12/why-does-health-care-cost-so-much/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0
This site is home to the New York Times blog entitled "Why Does Health Care Cost So Much?" In this blog, you'll find this passage:
"That question — why medical care, and insurance to cover medical care, cost so much – is at the core of the legislative debate in Washington. And as Congress gets closer to approving a final bill, it is being asked by smart observers everywhere. ...So let’s ask two experts, from opposite sides of the political spectrum."
No, New York Times blog, I don't want to ask "experts" so affiliated with a political party that their answers will change based solely on their political affiliation. I want answers based on facts that don't change until the facts change, you stupid fucking blog! Facts sound something like this: Health insurance companies are a business, and as such, they are primarily concerned with making money. When they have to pay people money they have less money for themselves. So they try not to spend money in all different kinds of ways. Some of those ways include, but are not limited to denying coverage to people, and increasing prices when they can't deny coverage to people in order to keep money coming in.
I think you would be hard pressed to find somebody who would say that it's a bad thing for people to make money. I think it would be equally as hard to find somebody who would say it's a bad thing for businesses to make money. But when it comes down to making money or taking care of people, like it does so often with insurance companies, suddenly the business is all about caring for people. Because Caring For People Is Our Primary Concern. Without Our People, We Wouldn't Be Here. Which is a lie. Without money, you wouldn't be here, and making that money is your primary concern. But it sounds good to say those other things. Makes people not worry so much about how they continue to get screwed, and how they continue to give companies their money.
(In case you were wondering, the above article was posted in 2010. If you visit the homepage of prescriptions.blogs.nytimes.com, you will get this message from February 2012: "The Times is discontinuing the Prescriptions blog, which was created to track the debate and aftermath of the 2009 health care law." Using a word like "aftermath" makes it pretty clear where this blog stands on ObamaCare-- it's to blame for everything. Fuckin' blog.)
Two years ago, I was able to pay for insurance for my wife and myself and get about $120 back in my paycheck from my stipend. I used that $120 to buy groceries for myself and my family. Then I added one child to our policy, and prices increased. Both of those things took my take-home pay from $120 to about $40. I used that $40 to buy my son a week of groceries. Two years ago I was told prices were going up because of ObamaCare. I was not told anything this year.
So today I went online to adjust my health insurance. I needed to change my primary care physician. Last year, my wife went to the doctor and she said that the primary care physician we had made her feel bad. So I wanted to change. The only thing I changed was the physician. When I checked out to make sure everything was correct, I noticed that my out-of-pocket expense had changed, even though my services had not. Last year, I got $40 added to my paycheck after insuring my family. This year, I have to pay $80 a month to insure my family. That represents two weeks worth of food for my son, three if you count the $40 I'm losing as well. And that $120 total is going to pay for a service that I can't afford to use.
I don't know what the answer is.
I do know that I'm getting fucked.
And the gun that's being pressed against my head isn't being held by ObamaCare. It's being held by Global Health and Delta Dental and all the other corporations that claim to provide care. They are eating three weeks of my son's food and giving him nothing in return.
And I am powerless to do anything about it.
With the insurance that we "pay for" ourselves, there are still co-pays and costs associated with going to the doctor. It's not as much as it could be, but there is a cost. So even though I pay for insurance to pay for health care, I also must pay for health care. Which means I need the money to pay for health care, which brings me back to the concept of getting as much money in my check every month as possible.
Last year, we were told that our premiums would increase. We were told this was because of the Affordable Care Act (ACA), aka ObamaCare. It's one of those answers we get far too frequently: an answer that sounds like it makes sense, but it doesn't. We don't know why ObamaCare was raising prices, we were just told ObamaCare was raising prices. It feels like a very Cave Man way of thinking. Did ObamaCare actually raise insurance prices? No. It didn't. But so many people simply will not believe that because the answer to Why Is My Health Insurance Price Rising is ObamaCare, and anyone with a Cro-Magnon brain knows that (that's Early Human to those of you without Cro-Magnon brains). It's the same reason why all full-time employees (excluding management) at Carl's Jr. were suddenly made into part-time employees: ObamaCare. Did ObamaCare force Carl's Jr. to give employees less hours and cut their benefits? No. But the reason why people making minimum wage are now working less hours, cutting their paycheck substantially, is ObamaCare.
It doesn't matter that Carl's Jr. decided to cut employees hours so that they wouldn't have to provide health insurance or benefits for their full-time employees and "take care" of the people they hired to make sure their business continues to operate on a daily basis. It doesn't matter that insurance companies have increased their prices without increasing services. It doesn't matter, because people continue to parrot the blaming point ObamaCare.
It's like an all-too-familiar situation I've been in for the last 7 years of my life. Mom and Dad get divorced, and the children are caught in the middle. One parent wants to care for the children, and the other parent wants to Win The Battle. Doesn't matter that there isn't a battle, because he's gonna win it. So the parent who is taking care of the kids tries to make them comfortable. The parent who is trying to win the battle says to them, "if you do what I say, I won't bother you. If you do what your mother says, I'll make your life a living hell." He's not concerned with the welfare of the kids because anyone who says "I'll make your life a living hell" isn't concerned with health and welfare! Kinda like the employer who says "you can have ObamaCare which will assist you in caring for your health, but if you do, we will actively prevent you from being able to care for your health." The insurance company and corporations like Carl's Jr. are holding employees and policy holders hostage. And while they hold the guns to our heads, they point to ObamaCare and say, "Look at what your foolish president is making us do!" And then they pull the trigger.
Here are some key provisions of ObamaCare. If your company has 50 or more full-time employees, you must provide those employees with health insurance. Your company doesn't have to pay for it, because the federal government has allotted money to assist you with this cost. All you have to do is accept the money. When you do, the government will provide you with insurance providers they use, or you can use their money to pay for insurance providers you would prefer to use, and your employees will have those same options. Insurance companies will be paid with these funds. In turn, insurance companies will pay doctors and health care providers to provide you with care for your health. So you can live healthy. Insurance companies cannot turn you away because you were sick before you got insurance. This was a very common practice previous to ObamaCare. Insurance companies would deny their services to those who needed it most. ObamaCare said that insurance companies couldn't do that.
In order to combat the evils of caring for people, insurance companies increased their prices without increasing their services. And companies like Carl's Jr. decided to cut the hours of their full-time employees, making them part-time employees and, thus, wouldn't need to provide them with care for their health as well as stripping them of their income. Corporations like Hobby Lobby decided to take their concerns to the Supreme Court, which agreed that Hobby Lobby wouldn't be forced to provide care for their employees. Hobby Lobby has always insisted that they pay their employees $11 an hour or more, far above minimum wage, so that they can buy health insurance. An employee making $11 an hour for 40 hours brings home about $1200 after taxes. The cheapest living arrangement I could find just now was a room for rent on Craigslist with a 58-year-old casual beer drinking male who was looking for a laid back woman, "espanic or Caucasion", to pay him $200 a month and be his wife. So after getting a room and a husband, that employee now has $1000 a month to live on. I pay over $1400 a month for health insurance. So after paying the $1000 the employee has, and $400 that the employee doesn't have, that employee now has health insurance, a husband, a place to stay, a job, and nothing else (except the $400 in debt). No food, no toothpaste, no condoms, no aspirin, no clothes, no deodorant, no nothing. No extra money for anything. And debt. Thank you, Hobby Lobby, for being so considerate of your employees that you provide them with nothing except debt and expect people to thank you for it.
http://prescriptions.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/12/why-does-health-care-cost-so-much/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0
This site is home to the New York Times blog entitled "Why Does Health Care Cost So Much?" In this blog, you'll find this passage:
"That question — why medical care, and insurance to cover medical care, cost so much – is at the core of the legislative debate in Washington. And as Congress gets closer to approving a final bill, it is being asked by smart observers everywhere. ...So let’s ask two experts, from opposite sides of the political spectrum."
No, New York Times blog, I don't want to ask "experts" so affiliated with a political party that their answers will change based solely on their political affiliation. I want answers based on facts that don't change until the facts change, you stupid fucking blog! Facts sound something like this: Health insurance companies are a business, and as such, they are primarily concerned with making money. When they have to pay people money they have less money for themselves. So they try not to spend money in all different kinds of ways. Some of those ways include, but are not limited to denying coverage to people, and increasing prices when they can't deny coverage to people in order to keep money coming in.
I think you would be hard pressed to find somebody who would say that it's a bad thing for people to make money. I think it would be equally as hard to find somebody who would say it's a bad thing for businesses to make money. But when it comes down to making money or taking care of people, like it does so often with insurance companies, suddenly the business is all about caring for people. Because Caring For People Is Our Primary Concern. Without Our People, We Wouldn't Be Here. Which is a lie. Without money, you wouldn't be here, and making that money is your primary concern. But it sounds good to say those other things. Makes people not worry so much about how they continue to get screwed, and how they continue to give companies their money.
(In case you were wondering, the above article was posted in 2010. If you visit the homepage of prescriptions.blogs.nytimes.com, you will get this message from February 2012: "The Times is discontinuing the Prescriptions blog, which was created to track the debate and aftermath of the 2009 health care law." Using a word like "aftermath" makes it pretty clear where this blog stands on ObamaCare-- it's to blame for everything. Fuckin' blog.)
Two years ago, I was able to pay for insurance for my wife and myself and get about $120 back in my paycheck from my stipend. I used that $120 to buy groceries for myself and my family. Then I added one child to our policy, and prices increased. Both of those things took my take-home pay from $120 to about $40. I used that $40 to buy my son a week of groceries. Two years ago I was told prices were going up because of ObamaCare. I was not told anything this year.
So today I went online to adjust my health insurance. I needed to change my primary care physician. Last year, my wife went to the doctor and she said that the primary care physician we had made her feel bad. So I wanted to change. The only thing I changed was the physician. When I checked out to make sure everything was correct, I noticed that my out-of-pocket expense had changed, even though my services had not. Last year, I got $40 added to my paycheck after insuring my family. This year, I have to pay $80 a month to insure my family. That represents two weeks worth of food for my son, three if you count the $40 I'm losing as well. And that $120 total is going to pay for a service that I can't afford to use.
I don't know what the answer is.
I do know that I'm getting fucked.
And the gun that's being pressed against my head isn't being held by ObamaCare. It's being held by Global Health and Delta Dental and all the other corporations that claim to provide care. They are eating three weeks of my son's food and giving him nothing in return.
And I am powerless to do anything about it.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Really Good Memory
I remember this conversation I had with my mom. It was a great conversation.
The first time I ever did stand-up comedy, I was 18 and I had just started going to a university about an hour away from home. I entered a stand-up competition for students on campus, and I had to perform 3 minutes of material. If your set went over three minutes, you would be disqualified from the competition. You couldn't curse or do offensive material. And I signed up. Stand-up was something I had always wanted to try, and Eddie Murphy had started his career with stand-up when he was 18, so I thought I would give it a shot, too. You know... because I'm exactly like Eddie Murphy.
Getting no more than 3 minutes of material together didn't seem like it was going to be difficult, but it was. I worked really hard to get good quality material in my act, and I was surprised when it started going beyond three minutes. I cut and trimmed and eventually came up with an act that was close to the three minute mark. I rehearsed a lot. I went to a friend's house and had her video tape my routine so that I could see what I looked like and how the jokes sounded outside of my head. And I invited my parents. I told them that it was only going to be three minutes, so it might not be worth their time coming. My mother came without hesitation.
The actual stand-up competition was open to the public. It was in a small-to-medium sized auditorium, probably something used for lectures. There were about 10 people who were performing in the competition, and a couple of them were very eager to tell everybody that they had done stand-up before and were professionals, and they were eager to allow us to feel like they were going to win. There was one guy who could make an oboe sound like a light saber, and I thought he was really good. Out of everybody, I was pretty sure he was going to win. He had been doing his act for a while, and he told us it was very polished. And it was. He was very funny, and I still remember his light saber oboe.
The crowd was ushered in. I saw my mom, and I waved. She waved back.
I don't remember much after the lights came down. I was really nervous.
There were some people before me. There were some people after me.
I remember somebody called my name and I went on stage and took the mic.
I started.
And then...
...I got my first laugh from the audience.
I hadn't expected that.
I'm not sure why I hadn't expected that, but I hadn't.
And when people laughed, I had to stop speaking. Otherwise they wouldn't be able to hear me over the laughter.
And even when I stopped speaking, my timer was going.
I hadn't planned on that!
I only had three minutes!
But the audience continued to laugh.
And laugh.
And Laugh.
And at one point, I tried to politely motion for them to stop laughing.
But they wouldn't.
And even as I waved my hand at them, I realized that I was telling them to stop doing what I had wanted them to do all along-- Laugh!
But I was going to be disqualified if they didn't stop!
And then, I fiinished.
"Thank you."
And they erupted into applause!
And they stood up!
And they were still laughing!
It was an amazing experience.
I asked my mother about it later, and she gave me her perspective as an audience member.
She didn't know what my routine was going to be, but she was biased before anyone got on stage. And she tried to temper that bias, but it was hard for her. But she tried. And she watched the people before me, and mentally said, "I'll bet my son is funnier than they are." And then she watched me come out, and wasn't surprised by the crowd's reaction, but *was* surprised at the same time. She knew I was good, but she didn't know that others would share her opinion as vocally as this audience did. And she said that it was a really nice feeling to have a whole room of strangers cheering for her son and laughing at his jokes. It was nice to watch me do as well as I did. And then I was done, and she was very proud of me. And as I walked off the stage, she was certain that I was funnier than anyone who had come before me. And then another performer came out, and he wasn't as funny as I was. And then another one. And another one. And it dawned on my mom, "We could win this whole thing!" I remember when she first told me this that I was struck by her use of the word "we". She didn't say "you could win this whole thing," or "he could win this whole thing," but she included herself. She was part of my team, and that felt really good. She wasn't stealing any of my thunder or trying to take credit for anything she hadn't done. But she alligned herself with me, and that felt awesome. Really, really awesome. One of the biggest differences between stand-up and every other stage performance I've ever done is that stand-up is solo. You're alone. You're alone when you write the material. You're alone when you perform the material. Everything else I had done before or since had other people with me. I may have written alone, but I didn't perform alone. Even if I performed a solo, I had performers to come on before or after me. The success of the show didn't hinge entirely on me. Stand-up has no one but yourself. And having my mom use the word "we" was super comforting and unexpectedly awesome. So she watched the other people come out, and she thought, "We could win this whole thing!" And more people kept coming out, and none of them were as funny as I was or had gotten the kind of reaction I had gotten. And even the guy with the oboe didn't get the crowd laughing like I had. He was funny. And the audience reacted to him. But it was clear to her, even after the oboe light saber, that I was the obvious winner. And when they announced me as the winner, she wasn't surprised at all and she *was* surprised at all! Of course her son was good, but she didn't realize that anybody else would see him the way she saw him. And this entire room did!
After the show, I'm pretty sure my mom took me out to eat. That is typically the best part of any show I do. Even after opening for "Bobcat" Goldthwait and having him invite me to go and party with him and a whole bunch of other people, I chose to go eat with my mom. And yeah, there were times that I wondered what would have become of that had I gone out with "Bobcat". Would we be friends now? Would I be hugely famous? Maybe. But I think I would do it the same way if I had to do it over again. Not that "Bobcat" wasn't a nice or cool guy. But my mom is just that groovy. She drove almost three hours to watch me perform for 3 minutes! Move over, "Bobcat", gotta go have pie with my mom at Denny's. I'll bet it was the Denny's right by the slaughterhouse, too, but I don't remember. That slaughterhouse was so massively stinky, and it was on the road into town, so every time you came to town you had to drive through miles of dead pig stench. Disgusting. And they built a Denny's next to it!! Who was the drunk genius to come up with that idea?! I don't know, but I would do all of that again if given the choice.
Really good memory.
I love that memory.
The first time I ever did stand-up comedy, I was 18 and I had just started going to a university about an hour away from home. I entered a stand-up competition for students on campus, and I had to perform 3 minutes of material. If your set went over three minutes, you would be disqualified from the competition. You couldn't curse or do offensive material. And I signed up. Stand-up was something I had always wanted to try, and Eddie Murphy had started his career with stand-up when he was 18, so I thought I would give it a shot, too. You know... because I'm exactly like Eddie Murphy.
Getting no more than 3 minutes of material together didn't seem like it was going to be difficult, but it was. I worked really hard to get good quality material in my act, and I was surprised when it started going beyond three minutes. I cut and trimmed and eventually came up with an act that was close to the three minute mark. I rehearsed a lot. I went to a friend's house and had her video tape my routine so that I could see what I looked like and how the jokes sounded outside of my head. And I invited my parents. I told them that it was only going to be three minutes, so it might not be worth their time coming. My mother came without hesitation.
The actual stand-up competition was open to the public. It was in a small-to-medium sized auditorium, probably something used for lectures. There were about 10 people who were performing in the competition, and a couple of them were very eager to tell everybody that they had done stand-up before and were professionals, and they were eager to allow us to feel like they were going to win. There was one guy who could make an oboe sound like a light saber, and I thought he was really good. Out of everybody, I was pretty sure he was going to win. He had been doing his act for a while, and he told us it was very polished. And it was. He was very funny, and I still remember his light saber oboe.
The crowd was ushered in. I saw my mom, and I waved. She waved back.
I don't remember much after the lights came down. I was really nervous.
There were some people before me. There were some people after me.
I remember somebody called my name and I went on stage and took the mic.
I started.
And then...
...I got my first laugh from the audience.
I hadn't expected that.
I'm not sure why I hadn't expected that, but I hadn't.
And when people laughed, I had to stop speaking. Otherwise they wouldn't be able to hear me over the laughter.
And even when I stopped speaking, my timer was going.
I hadn't planned on that!
I only had three minutes!
But the audience continued to laugh.
And laugh.
And Laugh.
And at one point, I tried to politely motion for them to stop laughing.
But they wouldn't.
And even as I waved my hand at them, I realized that I was telling them to stop doing what I had wanted them to do all along-- Laugh!
But I was going to be disqualified if they didn't stop!
And then, I fiinished.
"Thank you."
And they erupted into applause!
And they stood up!
And they were still laughing!
It was an amazing experience.
I asked my mother about it later, and she gave me her perspective as an audience member.
She didn't know what my routine was going to be, but she was biased before anyone got on stage. And she tried to temper that bias, but it was hard for her. But she tried. And she watched the people before me, and mentally said, "I'll bet my son is funnier than they are." And then she watched me come out, and wasn't surprised by the crowd's reaction, but *was* surprised at the same time. She knew I was good, but she didn't know that others would share her opinion as vocally as this audience did. And she said that it was a really nice feeling to have a whole room of strangers cheering for her son and laughing at his jokes. It was nice to watch me do as well as I did. And then I was done, and she was very proud of me. And as I walked off the stage, she was certain that I was funnier than anyone who had come before me. And then another performer came out, and he wasn't as funny as I was. And then another one. And another one. And it dawned on my mom, "We could win this whole thing!" I remember when she first told me this that I was struck by her use of the word "we". She didn't say "you could win this whole thing," or "he could win this whole thing," but she included herself. She was part of my team, and that felt really good. She wasn't stealing any of my thunder or trying to take credit for anything she hadn't done. But she alligned herself with me, and that felt awesome. Really, really awesome. One of the biggest differences between stand-up and every other stage performance I've ever done is that stand-up is solo. You're alone. You're alone when you write the material. You're alone when you perform the material. Everything else I had done before or since had other people with me. I may have written alone, but I didn't perform alone. Even if I performed a solo, I had performers to come on before or after me. The success of the show didn't hinge entirely on me. Stand-up has no one but yourself. And having my mom use the word "we" was super comforting and unexpectedly awesome. So she watched the other people come out, and she thought, "We could win this whole thing!" And more people kept coming out, and none of them were as funny as I was or had gotten the kind of reaction I had gotten. And even the guy with the oboe didn't get the crowd laughing like I had. He was funny. And the audience reacted to him. But it was clear to her, even after the oboe light saber, that I was the obvious winner. And when they announced me as the winner, she wasn't surprised at all and she *was* surprised at all! Of course her son was good, but she didn't realize that anybody else would see him the way she saw him. And this entire room did!
After the show, I'm pretty sure my mom took me out to eat. That is typically the best part of any show I do. Even after opening for "Bobcat" Goldthwait and having him invite me to go and party with him and a whole bunch of other people, I chose to go eat with my mom. And yeah, there were times that I wondered what would have become of that had I gone out with "Bobcat". Would we be friends now? Would I be hugely famous? Maybe. But I think I would do it the same way if I had to do it over again. Not that "Bobcat" wasn't a nice or cool guy. But my mom is just that groovy. She drove almost three hours to watch me perform for 3 minutes! Move over, "Bobcat", gotta go have pie with my mom at Denny's. I'll bet it was the Denny's right by the slaughterhouse, too, but I don't remember. That slaughterhouse was so massively stinky, and it was on the road into town, so every time you came to town you had to drive through miles of dead pig stench. Disgusting. And they built a Denny's next to it!! Who was the drunk genius to come up with that idea?! I don't know, but I would do all of that again if given the choice.
Really good memory.
I love that memory.
Worry Is Stupid
I'm pretty much done with this Worry shit.
What is Worry, anyhow?? And why the hell is so much of my life taken up with it??
My wife and I are about to "go away" for the weekend together. It was an amazing gift from my mom, and something we've wanted for a really, really long time.
Just today, it comes to light that my wife and I have worries about the weekend. Negative thoughts have crept into our heads. And these worries range from I'm Worried That People Are Going To Make Too Much Noise, to I'm Worried That We Won't Want To Have Sex, to I'm Worried There Will Be Slugs.
What's up with that??
I've noticed Worry has increased its presence in my life. I don't feel like I used to worry about much. Although, I honestly don't have a solid memory of much before I was married, so I might have worried more then or not at all. I don't feel like I worried more, but I might have. I'm not sure how much I trust myself anymore. Whatever the case about my past, I've got Worry in my life now. And it's stupid.
What the fuck am I worried about?
I'm worried I'm going to get divorced.
Why?
Cuz.
Cuz why?
Cuz I'm ugly and stupid and smelly and fat and poor and stupid and smelly and depressed and poor and fat and bald and snore and sweaty and smelly and poor and stupid and don't do anything and can't fix anything and my car doesn't have airconditioningandmytoesaredumbandeverything
OKAY!
I'm worried that my wife is going to die.
Why?
Cuz everybody dies.
I'm worried that my kid isn't going to be able to take care of himself.
Why?
Cuz he's not right now and has no apparent ambition to in the future.
I'm worried that I'm going to get really sick and die.
Why?
Cuz there's nothing I can do about it.
Maybe that's what's up with me.
"There's nothing I can do about it."
That feels really, really important.
"There's nothing I can do about it."
There's nothing I can do about my wife divorcing me.
If she's gonna divorce me, she's gonna divorce me.
I hope she tells me about it beforehand, but I don't really have control over that.
I hope she talks with me about it beforehand, but I don't really have control over that.
I don't have control over being smelly (I clean myself and use deodorant and can keep the smell at bay for a while, but it returns eventually like normal smells do), or fat (I've been working out pretty regularly for a while now-- pretty sure it's been over a month-- and while I've lost 15 pounds, my clothes which once didn't fit me well fit even less well than they did before I started working out and that has been an enormous blow to my resolve to continue working out), or poor (I've got the best paying job I can find right now, and it still doesn't allow us to live in a way that I feel comfortable eating breakfast or lunch at work, and dinner is often relegated to what is cheap, and I cannot seem to progress up the ladder to a better paying job that might allow for more financial breathing room), stupid (I can't figure out how to stop any of the things I'm worrying about, and I can't seem to stop worrying), and all the rest in that list.
I just don't have control.
And I think my mind has decided that it MUST DO SOMETHING. There are things that are wrong and something must be done, and since there isn't anything I can *actually* do, I must worry.
And then that worry makes shit shittier.
My kid is going to succeed or fail. The End.
And I can do my best, but I don't have control over it.
And my refrigerator is going to work or not.
And if it doesn't, I don't have enough money to get a new refrigerator.
And my Internet router is going to work or not.
And if it doesn't work, I don't have the money to get a new router.
And my marriage is going to work or not.
And if it doesn't, I will be really, really hurt.
It hurts just thinking about it now.
Shit's gonna break.
Things aren't going to work.
Life is gonna suck.
Sometimes.
When did I get focused on that, rather than what was working?
Because, as of right now, my router works.
And my refrigerator works.
And my marriage works.
And my kid is being background checked for a job.
And my wife got a raise and is working more hours than she used to.
And she's been given more opportunities at her job.
And I'm able to work overtime at my job.
Yeah, there's some shit that sucks.
But there's some shit that doesn't.
Why is it hard for me to focus on the non-suck shit?
My mom used to play a game with me.
Name One Thing.
I would get down, and she would say, "Name one thing that's good."
And as a kid, that would frustrate the hell outta me, because in the middle of my feeling shitty it was hard, sometimes impossible, for me to think of one good thing.
And she would let me struggle with it a little. And sometimes she would suggest things for me. And sometimes her suggestions didn't actually feel good to me, and she would tell me to come up with something good. And I struggled, but usually I was able to name one good thing. Then she would prompt me to name one more. And I would struggle with that, and typically I could come up with one other. And she would prompt me for another. At which point I got pissed that my first two weren't good enough for her and I completely lost any good feelings from the two good things I thought of prior to being prompted for more. Maybe my mom's game wasn't as good as I remember. Nah, it was a good game. Cuz yeah, sometimes I got pissed that I could only think of one good thing in the face of my mother pushing me to think of more. That sucks when you can only think of one good thing! Especially when somebody like your mom wants you to do more, do better, and you can't! But sometimes I could. And sometimes it made me feel better. Usually what felt the best was when my mom would stop making me work to think of good things and hugged me. That hug signaled the end of me struggling to think of good things. Sheesh, when you're feeling down, sometimes the hardest thing to do is see anything good. And maybe that's not the case for you, but it is for me. That shit was tough.
What was I saying? I got lost thinking about how hard it was sometimes to think of good stuff.
Oh yeah, I worry a lot sometimes.
I wish I would stop.
Hey, there is something I can do about worrying.
I can stop.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Hmmmm... this is proving to be as hard as thinking of something good.
Maybe I'm not able to stop worrying now.
Maybe I am.
You know what, rather than trying to stop worrying, I'm going to take a different approach.
I'm going to try to relax about it all.
Worry.
No Worry.
Divorce, kid, smelly. Whatever.
It's gonna be what it's gonna be.
And I may worry about it.
And if I do worry, that's okay.
And if I don't worry, that's okay, too.
And whatever the case...
I'm going to breathe...
And try...
To...
Relax...
Chillax...
To the max.
What is Worry, anyhow?? And why the hell is so much of my life taken up with it??
My wife and I are about to "go away" for the weekend together. It was an amazing gift from my mom, and something we've wanted for a really, really long time.
Just today, it comes to light that my wife and I have worries about the weekend. Negative thoughts have crept into our heads. And these worries range from I'm Worried That People Are Going To Make Too Much Noise, to I'm Worried That We Won't Want To Have Sex, to I'm Worried There Will Be Slugs.
What's up with that??
I've noticed Worry has increased its presence in my life. I don't feel like I used to worry about much. Although, I honestly don't have a solid memory of much before I was married, so I might have worried more then or not at all. I don't feel like I worried more, but I might have. I'm not sure how much I trust myself anymore. Whatever the case about my past, I've got Worry in my life now. And it's stupid.
What the fuck am I worried about?
I'm worried I'm going to get divorced.
Why?
Cuz.
Cuz why?
Cuz I'm ugly and stupid and smelly and fat and poor and stupid and smelly and depressed and poor and fat and bald and snore and sweaty and smelly and poor and stupid and don't do anything and can't fix anything and my car doesn't have airconditioningandmytoesaredumbandeverything
OKAY!
I'm worried that my wife is going to die.
Why?
Cuz everybody dies.
I'm worried that my kid isn't going to be able to take care of himself.
Why?
Cuz he's not right now and has no apparent ambition to in the future.
I'm worried that I'm going to get really sick and die.
Why?
Cuz there's nothing I can do about it.
Maybe that's what's up with me.
"There's nothing I can do about it."
That feels really, really important.
"There's nothing I can do about it."
There's nothing I can do about my wife divorcing me.
If she's gonna divorce me, she's gonna divorce me.
I hope she tells me about it beforehand, but I don't really have control over that.
I hope she talks with me about it beforehand, but I don't really have control over that.
I don't have control over being smelly (I clean myself and use deodorant and can keep the smell at bay for a while, but it returns eventually like normal smells do), or fat (I've been working out pretty regularly for a while now-- pretty sure it's been over a month-- and while I've lost 15 pounds, my clothes which once didn't fit me well fit even less well than they did before I started working out and that has been an enormous blow to my resolve to continue working out), or poor (I've got the best paying job I can find right now, and it still doesn't allow us to live in a way that I feel comfortable eating breakfast or lunch at work, and dinner is often relegated to what is cheap, and I cannot seem to progress up the ladder to a better paying job that might allow for more financial breathing room), stupid (I can't figure out how to stop any of the things I'm worrying about, and I can't seem to stop worrying), and all the rest in that list.
I just don't have control.
And I think my mind has decided that it MUST DO SOMETHING. There are things that are wrong and something must be done, and since there isn't anything I can *actually* do, I must worry.
And then that worry makes shit shittier.
My kid is going to succeed or fail. The End.
And I can do my best, but I don't have control over it.
And my refrigerator is going to work or not.
And if it doesn't, I don't have enough money to get a new refrigerator.
And my Internet router is going to work or not.
And if it doesn't work, I don't have the money to get a new router.
And my marriage is going to work or not.
And if it doesn't, I will be really, really hurt.
It hurts just thinking about it now.
Shit's gonna break.
Things aren't going to work.
Life is gonna suck.
Sometimes.
When did I get focused on that, rather than what was working?
Because, as of right now, my router works.
And my refrigerator works.
And my marriage works.
And my kid is being background checked for a job.
And my wife got a raise and is working more hours than she used to.
And she's been given more opportunities at her job.
And I'm able to work overtime at my job.
Yeah, there's some shit that sucks.
But there's some shit that doesn't.
Why is it hard for me to focus on the non-suck shit?
My mom used to play a game with me.
Name One Thing.
I would get down, and she would say, "Name one thing that's good."
And as a kid, that would frustrate the hell outta me, because in the middle of my feeling shitty it was hard, sometimes impossible, for me to think of one good thing.
And she would let me struggle with it a little. And sometimes she would suggest things for me. And sometimes her suggestions didn't actually feel good to me, and she would tell me to come up with something good. And I struggled, but usually I was able to name one good thing. Then she would prompt me to name one more. And I would struggle with that, and typically I could come up with one other. And she would prompt me for another. At which point I got pissed that my first two weren't good enough for her and I completely lost any good feelings from the two good things I thought of prior to being prompted for more. Maybe my mom's game wasn't as good as I remember. Nah, it was a good game. Cuz yeah, sometimes I got pissed that I could only think of one good thing in the face of my mother pushing me to think of more. That sucks when you can only think of one good thing! Especially when somebody like your mom wants you to do more, do better, and you can't! But sometimes I could. And sometimes it made me feel better. Usually what felt the best was when my mom would stop making me work to think of good things and hugged me. That hug signaled the end of me struggling to think of good things. Sheesh, when you're feeling down, sometimes the hardest thing to do is see anything good. And maybe that's not the case for you, but it is for me. That shit was tough.
What was I saying? I got lost thinking about how hard it was sometimes to think of good stuff.
Oh yeah, I worry a lot sometimes.
I wish I would stop.
Hey, there is something I can do about worrying.
I can stop.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Hmmmm... this is proving to be as hard as thinking of something good.
Maybe I'm not able to stop worrying now.
Maybe I am.
You know what, rather than trying to stop worrying, I'm going to take a different approach.
I'm going to try to relax about it all.
Worry.
No Worry.
Divorce, kid, smelly. Whatever.
It's gonna be what it's gonna be.
And I may worry about it.
And if I do worry, that's okay.
And if I don't worry, that's okay, too.
And whatever the case...
I'm going to breathe...
And try...
To...
Relax...
Chillax...
To the max.
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