Maintaining Friendships

My mother is still friends with people she grew up with. I went to college with several people who maintained friendships from their high school and elementary school days. I have one childhood friend that I "keep in touch with" (read: I go out to dinner with him when he comes back to town with his wife and three kids and he has the opportunity to call me and make plans that I don't cancel for whatever reason). I met my wife in high school. But the rest of my friends from those days are gone. In fact, I haven't maintained friendships from elementary shool, middle school, high school, any of the three colleges I attended, my years in New York, over a decade in Michigan, or my previous job that I had only three years ago. What's the secret to finding people who don't suck? Or is it me that sucks? My wife liked when she went to a bigger school because that gave her more choices of people to befriend. She seemed to know pretty early that she didn't fit in with many people, and it took somebody special and unique to be her friend. I never had that revelation in my life. I always felt like my world consisted of the people that I went to school with, played sports with, played in bands with. Those were the people I had to choose from, and if I wasn't friends with them, I was out of luck and had no friends. Which was pretty close to the truth. I don't remember having many friendships outside of those institutions. And many of the people I spent lots of time with in Michigan not only don't talk to me, but have actively said bad things about me. Sometimes people really really suck. I'm just gonna put my wife and mom and step-dad and our two kids in a basket and go someplace that has good shelter and food, and we'll all live there and be fine. Fuck everybody else. They all suck.

Ridiculous

I fucking hate everyone. They should all die. I should pound them and feel their bones crumble under the pressure of my fists as I grind their faces into the pavement. What kind of fucked up shit am I living in? I fucking hate everyone. I get a pay cut in January. Because insurance rates are going up. We value ignorance and noise over information. We value violence over intelligence. Any idiot with thumbs now has a platform to espouse his idiocy ideology (yeah, I'm no different from any other idiot). "The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun." Except there are no good guys. Not one. "See?! We told you Obamacare would be a failure!" It's a fucking software glitch, you fucks! Attack the software. Attack the servers. But as of yet, you haven't seen Obamacare in action, so to say that it's a failure only illuminates your ever increasingly obvious stupidity. You don't want to help others. You don't want to help the planet. You don't even really want to help yourself. You want money. You've been duped into thinking that's what we all need. And, ultimately, you're right. This planet runs on money. We've built a system around a middleman who isn't looking out for anyone. At this point it's impossible to change. We will continue to fail in our attempts to take care of ourselves, no matter how hard we work or how many doctors we see or how many miles we walk or how much broccoli we eat or how much caffeine we cut out. We are a cancer. Money intensifies and exacerbates our desire and willingness for self-destructive behavior. We are not long. And I fucking hate you all.

Making Me Laugh (Worth Repeating)

The following is from a Monty Python sketch called "Doctor Quote". I've enjoyed it for years and it has made me laugh out loud so many times. The pure absurdity is so wonderfully my style of humor. Before this scene begins, we hear Michael Palin narrating his life as if it were a mystery novel, except nothing out of the ordinary happens to him. At the end of the previous sketch, which runs into "Doctor Quote", Michael Palin's character, Mr. Eegis, is ushered out of the house by his wife, played by Terry Jones, as she is preparing breakfast for the doctor, who is inexplicably at their home. The scene begins after Mr. Eegis is shoved out the front door, and Mrs. Eegis continues to talk with the doctor, played by Graham Chapman, who is eating breakfast at their kitchen table.

MRS. EEGIS: (refering to her husband who has just left) Oh, I'm so worried about him, doctor.
DOCTOR: (licking his lips and swallowing a delicious bite of breakfast) Yes. Yes, I know what you mean. I'm afraid he's suffering from what we doctors call whooping cough. That is, the failure of the autonomic nervous section of the brain to deal with the nerve impulses that enable you or I to retain some facts and eliminate others.
MRS. EEGIS: Another dog?
DOCTOR: Uh, not for me, thank you.
MRS. EEGIS: I'll have one last one.

(During the following monologue, we hear the bark of a dog in the background, followed by the shot of a gun, the soft thud of the dead dog, acknowledgment of the kill by MRS. EEGIS, and then the sound of flesh frying in a pan or skillet, presumably with butter or marmelade. That last part was created by my, by the way. I have no way of knowing the correct sauce in which to pan-fry dog.)

DOCTOR: The human brain is like an enormous fish. It's flat and slimy, and has gills through which it can see.

(Gunshot, and thud of dead dog is heard)

MRS. EEGIS: There we are.

(Frying of dog heard)

DOCTOR: Should one of these gills fail to open, the messages transmitted by the lungs don't reach the brain. It's as simple as that.
MRS. EEGIS: Well, I'm a simple soul. I don't understand all that. All I know is he's not the same man as I married.
DOCTOR: Am I the man you married, Mrs. Eegis?

(The DOCTOR playfully approaches MRS. EEGIS, excited about his anticipated sexual encounter with her.)

MRS. EEGIS: Ooh! Now, get away! Ooh, you'll get struck on!
DOCTOR: Come on, come on!
MRS. EEGIS: I can't! I'm eating dog!
DOCTOR: Come on, just a quick examination!

(The tearing of fabric is heard)

MRS. EEGIS: Get off! I'm married! Ooh! Ooh!
MICHAEL PALIN (resuming his mysterious narrator voice joyfully): But Dr. Kwat was a man of quite remarkable medical insight, skill, and determination. And within a few minutes, he had completely removed my wife's knickers!
MRS. EEGIS (scoldingly, to MICHAEL PALIN): Get out, you!

(MICHAEL PALIN is thrown out of the room by his wife, and the door slams shut behind him. More fabric is heard ripping, as the doctor continues his sexual examination of Mrs. Eegis, who is playfully resisting his obviously welcomed advances.)

MRS. EEGIS: Ooh, ooh, Dr. Kwat!
DOCTOR: Put your tongue in my mouth!
MRS. EEGIS: Don't! (As she does)
DOCTOR: Oh come on, I've got your knickers!
MRS. EEGIS: Oh, wow, ooh!!

(Triumphant music plays as the scene fades out)

Very Proud

My 17 year-old passed his driver's license test yesterday!
I'm very proud of that guy. :)

Flip Master

Why is it that some people have more power over us than others? Or, why do we give some people more power over us than others? What is it that makes us susceptible to some people and immune to others? Why is it that my previous supervisor made it hell for me to come to work every day so much so that I simply couldn't focus at all, while I couldn't seem to allow my friends and family space in my head and heart to help me through those times? I didn't feel like I was pushing them out. But my supervisor definitely had more power in my world. Why was I unable to flip that around and give my friends and family more power in my life over my supervisor? Why are there some people who know exactly where to hook you so that you seem to fall victim to their viciousness every time they are around or say something to you or send you an email?

I want the good to be stronger. And maybe it is. But I want it to make the bad go away. I guess that's probably unrealistic. There will always be bad. How about: I would like to become a Master of the Flip. I know bad things will happen. I know bad people will exist. I know those bad people will make their way into my world at some point and I cannot prevent that. While they are in my life, I want to become a Master of the Flip. I want to have those bad people do whatever it is they're going to do, and then instead of getting furious or emotional, I want to flip it and take myself to a healthy place of peace and calm and non-care regarding the mean people or situation. I wanna flip myself around from anger to peace. A Master of the Flip. 

Wish I knew how to do that. Wish there weren't people in my life who had so much control over me. Wish I could allow myself the confidence to take power over my own emotions. The confidence to not allow those people the power I give them.  I want to be the Flip Master today. Right now. Immediately. 

Especially since I didn't win the $420 million jackpot last night. Motherfucker. 

Ultimate Fighting Me

I'm angry all the time.
My wife thinks I'm just processing a lot of repressed emotions.
I think she's probably right.
But I don't like being as angry as I am.
And I don't like being as angry as often as I am.

I would really like to be involved in some kind of Iron Man elimination fight. Something like Wolverine was involved in when we first meet his character at the beginning of the first X-Men movie. A whole bunch of people challenge him by getting in the ring with him. They punch him a little, then he punches them and they're out. And challengers just keep coming. That's what I want. I wanna beat up on everybody. Until I'm beaten and exhausted. Just pound as many people as I can. Physically punish them. Then get punished in return. Then stop.
It would all be gone then.
All punched out of me.
All beaten out of me.
And it would be gone.
And then I could show my bruises to my wife.
And she would swoon.
"You're so tough. Look at the beating you took and you're still walking around."
"Yes, and don't forget how many people I beat the fuck up."
"Oooohhhh," she would swoon more, "I love it when you beat up on people and then say 'fuck'."
"Fuck."
And then we would make out a lot.
And I wouldn't be angry.
Ever again.

Any Moment Now...

I can very easily see myself slipping quickly into madness to a point where I would be unable to care for my personal needs, and I would need to be taken to a home, heavily medicated, wearing some ugly worn-out blue terry cloth bathrobe and house shoes, being wheeled around in a wheelchair all day to prevent me from falling and hurting myself. And I would frequently kick off my right house shoe. My right foot is too hot, you see. And I would watch Bruce Lee's "The Big Boss" every day multiple times. And I would drool on my terry cloth stomach. And any change in my routine would cause me to bite my cheek so that I could spit blood at anyone. Everyone maybe. Until the turn on "The Big Boss" again. The only thing that soothes my inner psychotic Hulk is "The Big Boss". Cuz I'm that crazy.

Any moment now.