I never did like my last name. Kinda stupid sounding, I always thought. Tom Cruise has a good last name. Tom Selleck has a good last name. Tom Hanks has a good last name. A lot of Toms have good last names. Maybe I should have been called "Tom". Maybe it's the first name that makes the last name sound good.
I started to like my last name much better when my wife made it her last name. I really like associating myself with her, and somehow my last name seems a little cooler now that she's got it.
Last night, my 15 year-old and I had a moment alone in the rumpus room.
"I wanted to ask you and mom something."
"Okay. What's on your mind?"
"When I'm 18, I can do whatever I want, right?"
"Well," I hemmed, thinking about all the things he can't do when he's 18-- buy a drink, rent a car or hotel room, become president. "Just about anything."
"Well, 18 is the age of majority, right?" He's more sheepish than normal. Something important is on his mind.
"Yeah, 18 is the age of majority."
"Well, I was wondering how you and mom would feel if-- when I turn 18-- if I changed my last name to your last name."
A flood of emotions hit me like a tidal wave. I recognized some of them-- love, empathy, anger that my 15 year-old would ever have to have a name he was uncomfortable with and angry with his father who made that name uncomfortable for him, gratitude that I had found a place where I felt accepted so completely that someone else's child wants to identify himself with me and the woman who chose to take my last name-- some of them hit me and I had no idea what they were. It was a time-stopping moment for me. I managed to sputter out a semi-laugh. I'm not sure why that was my reaction. My 15 year-old wasn't deterred by my response.
"I'm not joking," he said, still sheepish.
"I know you're not joking. I just had a flood of emotions, and that laugh was how my body responded. I know you're serious."
I think our moment alone ended with my 11 year-old, his brother, walking into the room, so our conversation stopped. And my wife and I talked about it later, and we both agreed that the road between 15-almost-16 and 18 is long and anything can happen in that time. And there would be no way that our boys' father would allow me to adopt either one of the boys, so that was out of the question. But it was something good and positive.
I wanted to record it. For some day in my unknown future when I need to remember such things.
My last name isn't sounding so stupid anymore.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Birthday Wish
Would I be judged harshly if I said that the only thing I wanted for my birthday was about 50 years of rest in a bed with my wife and a catheter? Fuck it. I don't give a fuck if I'm judged harshly. I want 50 years of rest in a bed with my wife and a catheter for my birthday.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Dumb and Packing
There are at least two armed security guards who are stationed at my office at all times.
I sit about 6 feet away from one of them.
Today, I overheard him saying that he doesn't have a high school diploma, and that the current job market doesn't want people with high school diplomas. The current job market favors those with GEDs. He also mentioned that he only needed to have a third grade education in order to qualify for carrying a firearm.
I enjoy knowing that the people who are licensed to shoot other humans are not required to know how to write in cursive, read books without pictures, or multiply or divide basic numbers. I'm certain that they will have the best judgment of whom to shoot. I already feel safer.
I sit about 6 feet away from one of them.
Today, I overheard him saying that he doesn't have a high school diploma, and that the current job market doesn't want people with high school diplomas. The current job market favors those with GEDs. He also mentioned that he only needed to have a third grade education in order to qualify for carrying a firearm.
I enjoy knowing that the people who are licensed to shoot other humans are not required to know how to write in cursive, read books without pictures, or multiply or divide basic numbers. I'm certain that they will have the best judgment of whom to shoot. I already feel safer.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Angetha's Helpful Words
Angetha called her workers to her office.
"What you all need to do," she said sternly to the group in front of her, "is work quicker. You need to make sure your reports are written faster and are more accurate. This will help your processing time. And that's what I'm trying to do! I'm trying to help you!" And she slammed her fist on her desk, as if she wanted to beat all her workers in the room.
The workers left Angetha's office, feeling as if they had been yelled at. They went back to their offices and started writing reports. Most of them, however, had no idea about how to improve themselves. She simply said to do it faster. But I'm working as fast as I can. And I write all my reports as accurately as possible. What, does she think I'm actually writing an inaccurate report on purpose?! Without knowing how to better themselves, the workers continued to perform at the same level as they did before Angetha's meeting.
So Angetha called her workers to her office again.
"I told you," she said, angrily spitting her words as if they were daggers, "you must increase your processing time. None of you have increased your speed or accuracy! And we just had a meeting about this! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"It would be nice if we had some assistance with how you would like us to increase our processing time," said one of the workers. "I heard you last meeting, but I don't know what I could do to increase my speed or accuracy. I'm doing the best I'm able to do." Angetha's silence made the workers words seem so small, as if they had been lightly tossed into an enormous chasm that Angetha had just created with her muted hatred and fury which was evident on her face.
"You don't know how to do your job?" she asked the worker.
"I know how to do my job..."
"So you ought to know how to do it quicker."
"If I'm already working as quickly as I can..."
"We trained you to perform at a certain level. If you're not able to perform at that level, this might not be the right place for you."
The worker stopped talking. His job had inadvertently been threatened, and with the country in the middle of an economic recession, he couldn't afford to be out of a job. He had a family dependent on his job. So he allowed himself to be publicly humiliated and berated by Angetha.
"As long as you work here, you are required to meet certain guidelines. When those guidelines aren't met, then that means we need to have a talk. And I know none of you want to have a talk. So just make sure you get your reports written. And don't make any mistakes."
The workers went back to their offices. The talked with each other. They tried to discover a way to write faster than what they were already doing. They tried to discover a way to become more accurate. But they were already doing their best. And Angetha wasn't giving them any assistance with how they could change to better their situation. So even though they wanted to better themselves, they were completely powerless to do so. And they were destined to return to Angetha's office for more talks about how they weren't performing as well as they should.
And later that year, Angetha wrote a report. "My employees are deliberately delinquent. They do not wish to perform at a suitable level of work. We have had several meetings, and they have not responded to direction." Angetha sighed as she sent her report to her boss and hoped that her new batch of employees would be better than this last bunch of degenerates.
"What you all need to do," she said sternly to the group in front of her, "is work quicker. You need to make sure your reports are written faster and are more accurate. This will help your processing time. And that's what I'm trying to do! I'm trying to help you!" And she slammed her fist on her desk, as if she wanted to beat all her workers in the room.
The workers left Angetha's office, feeling as if they had been yelled at. They went back to their offices and started writing reports. Most of them, however, had no idea about how to improve themselves. She simply said to do it faster. But I'm working as fast as I can. And I write all my reports as accurately as possible. What, does she think I'm actually writing an inaccurate report on purpose?! Without knowing how to better themselves, the workers continued to perform at the same level as they did before Angetha's meeting.
So Angetha called her workers to her office again.
"I told you," she said, angrily spitting her words as if they were daggers, "you must increase your processing time. None of you have increased your speed or accuracy! And we just had a meeting about this! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"It would be nice if we had some assistance with how you would like us to increase our processing time," said one of the workers. "I heard you last meeting, but I don't know what I could do to increase my speed or accuracy. I'm doing the best I'm able to do." Angetha's silence made the workers words seem so small, as if they had been lightly tossed into an enormous chasm that Angetha had just created with her muted hatred and fury which was evident on her face.
"You don't know how to do your job?" she asked the worker.
"I know how to do my job..."
"So you ought to know how to do it quicker."
"If I'm already working as quickly as I can..."
"We trained you to perform at a certain level. If you're not able to perform at that level, this might not be the right place for you."
The worker stopped talking. His job had inadvertently been threatened, and with the country in the middle of an economic recession, he couldn't afford to be out of a job. He had a family dependent on his job. So he allowed himself to be publicly humiliated and berated by Angetha.
"As long as you work here, you are required to meet certain guidelines. When those guidelines aren't met, then that means we need to have a talk. And I know none of you want to have a talk. So just make sure you get your reports written. And don't make any mistakes."
The workers went back to their offices. The talked with each other. They tried to discover a way to write faster than what they were already doing. They tried to discover a way to become more accurate. But they were already doing their best. And Angetha wasn't giving them any assistance with how they could change to better their situation. So even though they wanted to better themselves, they were completely powerless to do so. And they were destined to return to Angetha's office for more talks about how they weren't performing as well as they should.
And later that year, Angetha wrote a report. "My employees are deliberately delinquent. They do not wish to perform at a suitable level of work. We have had several meetings, and they have not responded to direction." Angetha sighed as she sent her report to her boss and hoped that her new batch of employees would be better than this last bunch of degenerates.
Monday, April 23, 2012
I Must Be An Asshole
My iPod plays the theme to the TV show "The A-Team".
I'm shot back to a time about 20 years ago when I had been hired for an intense, summer program where actors built sets and performed in 5 of 7 shows to be performed over the course of 3 months. It was a fantastic time, and two other guys and I would sing these delicious harmonies to the theme of "The A-Team" and "T.J. Hooker". It was a really great memory.
So I went online and found one of the guys on Facebook. Sent him a message, letting him know that I was thinking pleasantly about him and hoped he was doing well. I sent him a friend request.
I then found the other dude on Facebook. Sent him a message, saying about the same thing, and wishing him well. Sent him a friend request. Then I checked out his pictures.
One of his pictures is with a man who used to be a great friend of mine... until he admitted to me that he had slept with one of my college girlfriends after I had broken up with her and she went to his apartment immediately and told him that I had broken up with her and she wanted to sleep with him to hurt me. There's so much about that sentence that bothers me, but what I'm left with is a friend who slept with a recent ex of mine to help her hurt me. That's not somebody I want to hold dear anymore. So I stopped corresponding with him. The last time I saw him was at his wedding, which I was in. He asked me to be involved in a 3-way with himself and his wife. I declined. He told me about my ex-girlfriend and said that it had been gnawing at him ever since it had happened years before.
I thought about what my two A-Team friends would think about me not communicating with them, or my Ex-Girlfriend Fucker. I imagine that they must think me to be an asshole for just disappearing. And I'm the jerk for not telling my Ex-Girlfriend Fucker that I was angry with him. I'm the asshole.
And I remember people sending me friend requests on Facebook that I ignored. I didn't want to be friends with those people, because they weren't my friends. They had tried to hurt me. They hadn't apologized. I didn't want them as friends.
Then I thought about me being that person who had hurt people.
I hate thinking that was me.
I guess I must be an asshole.
Fuck.
I'm shot back to a time about 20 years ago when I had been hired for an intense, summer program where actors built sets and performed in 5 of 7 shows to be performed over the course of 3 months. It was a fantastic time, and two other guys and I would sing these delicious harmonies to the theme of "The A-Team" and "T.J. Hooker". It was a really great memory.
So I went online and found one of the guys on Facebook. Sent him a message, letting him know that I was thinking pleasantly about him and hoped he was doing well. I sent him a friend request.
I then found the other dude on Facebook. Sent him a message, saying about the same thing, and wishing him well. Sent him a friend request. Then I checked out his pictures.
One of his pictures is with a man who used to be a great friend of mine... until he admitted to me that he had slept with one of my college girlfriends after I had broken up with her and she went to his apartment immediately and told him that I had broken up with her and she wanted to sleep with him to hurt me. There's so much about that sentence that bothers me, but what I'm left with is a friend who slept with a recent ex of mine to help her hurt me. That's not somebody I want to hold dear anymore. So I stopped corresponding with him. The last time I saw him was at his wedding, which I was in. He asked me to be involved in a 3-way with himself and his wife. I declined. He told me about my ex-girlfriend and said that it had been gnawing at him ever since it had happened years before.
I thought about what my two A-Team friends would think about me not communicating with them, or my Ex-Girlfriend Fucker. I imagine that they must think me to be an asshole for just disappearing. And I'm the jerk for not telling my Ex-Girlfriend Fucker that I was angry with him. I'm the asshole.
And I remember people sending me friend requests on Facebook that I ignored. I didn't want to be friends with those people, because they weren't my friends. They had tried to hurt me. They hadn't apologized. I didn't want them as friends.
Then I thought about me being that person who had hurt people.
I hate thinking that was me.
I guess I must be an asshole.
Fuck.
"There Won't Be Enough Lifeguards To Help Everyone!!"
A person is drowning. In a few moments, that person will have fluid fill their lungs instead of air. In a few moments, that person will die.
Some people will try to help that person.
Some people will try to get out of the way so that others can help the drowning person.
Some people will yell at the drowning person, "Learn to swim, ya bum! You're cluttering up the pool with your talentless body! Quit dirtying it up for the rest of us!" These people might even chastise those who are trying to help the drowning person. They might even suggest that if the lifeguard helps the drowning person, then there will not be enough help to go around when other, more deserving people are in need of assistance.
Now try to imagine this scenario in terms of our current health care debate.
There are many people who would not help those in need, and one of the reasons for not helping those in need is because it would, somehow, hurt others.
I believe it is a sign of severe mental illness, perhaps a kind of psychosis, to hear the sentence, "I want to help people," and have it altered in your head to mean "I want to hurt you."
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Redistribution of Fondue
I read an article today about "The Buffet Rule".
http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2011/09/class-warfare-republicans-blast-obamas-buffett-rule/
The Buffet Rule, as it's being called, is an economic proposal coming from President Obama which comes from statements made by Warren Buffet, one of the wealthiest men in the world ($44 billion net worth according to Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warren_Buffett).
Buffet has said that his secretary makes $60,000 a year and pays 29% in taxes. Buffet makes $46 million a year and pays 17% in taxes. Buffet has suggested that the wealthiest Americans should be taxed more. Obama's "Buffet Rule" states that those people making over one million dollars annually should be taxed at the same level as middle-class Americans. In other words, Warren Buffet's secretary gets taxed 29%, and Warren Buffet gets taxed 29%.
What's interesting (read: fucking stupid as fucking hell) about the article I was reading is the following post. A user by the name of "irishrose" posted this response to the article about Obama's economic plan to help get America out of it's financial hole:
He [Obama] just wants to take everyone’s money. First it will be the millionaires, then the working class, then the poverty class. He is trying to turn this country into a communistic nation. What he needs to do is give credits to all the companies that have their money offshore so that they will bring it back to the US
Posted by: irishrose September 18, 2011, 11:39 pm 11:39 pm
So the thought is that we should reward those businesses that have left our country?
Maybe I'm just too stupid to understand the reasoning put forward by irishrose. Lemme think about it for a second.
I have a business.
I move the business.
The country where I had the business gives me money.
At which point, my thought is probably, "You're the dumbest fucking country in the history of ever!"
Maybe I'm not giving irishrose enough credit. Maybe irishrose is suggesting that we give incentives to companies that have moved away in the hopes that they will come back and save us all with their money and jobs. So rather than simply just handing away the credit, as irishrose is actually suggesting, the credit would be given to companies once they return to the US, which might be what irishrose intended. If this is what irishrose intended, I will go ahead and say "your welcome" for being able to interpret your intentions and turn them in to actual communication. If this is what irishrose intended-- giving credits to companies who return to us after leaving us-- I would say, fuck that noise! Let's put it like this: there's a woman named USA, and she is married to a man named Corporation. Corporation leaves USA, causing USA financial difficulties. USA then writes a letter to Corporation to the tune of, "If you come back to me, I'll suck your dick." Corporation reads this letter calmly, as he's already getting head from some chick he met in his new country, as well as having several small boys licking his asshole, and he thinks, "USA sure is stupid to think that they have something I want or need. I was there before, and I left for a reason. That reason is that chicks and small boys in this new country are sucking me off and cleaning my ass with their tongues. If USA really wanted me back, she would do let me fuck her in the ass. So maybe I'll try to fuck USA in the ass. Boy, I love all the power that I have!" Then Corporation lovingly pushes a small boy inside his asshole, because he enjoys the sensation of child-struggles on his prostate. And then he eats a cigar and laughs.
Or another way of thinking about it:
Your child does something you don't approve of.
So you reward that child???
What the fuck is wrong with you, irishrose?! You retarded fucking piece of shit! People like you should be crucified and slaughtered publicly! Your parents and children should be murdered with dull, metal objects to help insure your Monumental Dumbness doesn't pollute anyone else!
I don't understand why people are so stupid.
I don't understand why people would be outraged about everybody having the same tax rate.
I don't understand, and I feel like this nation is headed for a meltdown. We're going to collapse on ourselves, like the top of a fountain of water, and those who are struggling will have nothing to lose, so why not revolt? People are going to fight to survive, and there's a big difference between surviving and going without your Pilate's class. There are people who are starving, while others are throwing away huge portions of food because their kids asked for white chocolate, not milk chocolate for the chocolate fondue machine we got for Easter, so we had to go out and buy another 85 tons of chocolate. Big difference between starving and chocolate fondue. And while I'm not a fan of the term or concept "redistribution of wealth", I am a fan of everyone pays to play. You wanna play, you have to pay. And right now, millionaires aren't paying. And they're taking the government to court in the hopes that they will continue to not pay.
That just made me think-- hey, don't raise taxes on the rich. They don't have to pay any more taxes than anybody else. But if they don't pay taxes, they have to be deported. I mean, why should they get what this country is offering when they're not paying for it? And, obviously, the theory of these large corporations being "Job Creators" is a fucking load of fuck. If it was true, then they would have actually created jobs, which they haven't. So fuck them. And fuck everybody. And fucking fuck!! FUCK!!! FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!
http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2011/09/class-warfare-republicans-blast-obamas-buffett-rule/
The Buffet Rule, as it's being called, is an economic proposal coming from President Obama which comes from statements made by Warren Buffet, one of the wealthiest men in the world ($44 billion net worth according to Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warren_Buffett).
Buffet has said that his secretary makes $60,000 a year and pays 29% in taxes. Buffet makes $46 million a year and pays 17% in taxes. Buffet has suggested that the wealthiest Americans should be taxed more. Obama's "Buffet Rule" states that those people making over one million dollars annually should be taxed at the same level as middle-class Americans. In other words, Warren Buffet's secretary gets taxed 29%, and Warren Buffet gets taxed 29%.
What's interesting (read: fucking stupid as fucking hell) about the article I was reading is the following post. A user by the name of "irishrose" posted this response to the article about Obama's economic plan to help get America out of it's financial hole:
He [Obama] just wants to take everyone’s money. First it will be the millionaires, then the working class, then the poverty class. He is trying to turn this country into a communistic nation. What he needs to do is give credits to all the companies that have their money offshore so that they will bring it back to the US
Posted by: irishrose September 18, 2011, 11:39 pm 11:39 pm
So the thought is that we should reward those businesses that have left our country?
Maybe I'm just too stupid to understand the reasoning put forward by irishrose. Lemme think about it for a second.
I have a business.
I move the business.
The country where I had the business gives me money.
At which point, my thought is probably, "You're the dumbest fucking country in the history of ever!"
Maybe I'm not giving irishrose enough credit. Maybe irishrose is suggesting that we give incentives to companies that have moved away in the hopes that they will come back and save us all with their money and jobs. So rather than simply just handing away the credit, as irishrose is actually suggesting, the credit would be given to companies once they return to the US, which might be what irishrose intended. If this is what irishrose intended, I will go ahead and say "your welcome" for being able to interpret your intentions and turn them in to actual communication. If this is what irishrose intended-- giving credits to companies who return to us after leaving us-- I would say, fuck that noise! Let's put it like this: there's a woman named USA, and she is married to a man named Corporation. Corporation leaves USA, causing USA financial difficulties. USA then writes a letter to Corporation to the tune of, "If you come back to me, I'll suck your dick." Corporation reads this letter calmly, as he's already getting head from some chick he met in his new country, as well as having several small boys licking his asshole, and he thinks, "USA sure is stupid to think that they have something I want or need. I was there before, and I left for a reason. That reason is that chicks and small boys in this new country are sucking me off and cleaning my ass with their tongues. If USA really wanted me back, she would do let me fuck her in the ass. So maybe I'll try to fuck USA in the ass. Boy, I love all the power that I have!" Then Corporation lovingly pushes a small boy inside his asshole, because he enjoys the sensation of child-struggles on his prostate. And then he eats a cigar and laughs.
Or another way of thinking about it:
Your child does something you don't approve of.
So you reward that child???
What the fuck is wrong with you, irishrose?! You retarded fucking piece of shit! People like you should be crucified and slaughtered publicly! Your parents and children should be murdered with dull, metal objects to help insure your Monumental Dumbness doesn't pollute anyone else!
I don't understand why people are so stupid.
I don't understand why people would be outraged about everybody having the same tax rate.
I don't understand, and I feel like this nation is headed for a meltdown. We're going to collapse on ourselves, like the top of a fountain of water, and those who are struggling will have nothing to lose, so why not revolt? People are going to fight to survive, and there's a big difference between surviving and going without your Pilate's class. There are people who are starving, while others are throwing away huge portions of food because their kids asked for white chocolate, not milk chocolate for the chocolate fondue machine we got for Easter, so we had to go out and buy another 85 tons of chocolate. Big difference between starving and chocolate fondue. And while I'm not a fan of the term or concept "redistribution of wealth", I am a fan of everyone pays to play. You wanna play, you have to pay. And right now, millionaires aren't paying. And they're taking the government to court in the hopes that they will continue to not pay.
That just made me think-- hey, don't raise taxes on the rich. They don't have to pay any more taxes than anybody else. But if they don't pay taxes, they have to be deported. I mean, why should they get what this country is offering when they're not paying for it? And, obviously, the theory of these large corporations being "Job Creators" is a fucking load of fuck. If it was true, then they would have actually created jobs, which they haven't. So fuck them. And fuck everybody. And fucking fuck!! FUCK!!! FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!
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