We Should All Be Pro-Life!

There's a lot of debate about Pro-Choice and Pro-Life these days. The big one recently is to clearly and LEGALLY define when life starts, so that all fetuses (feti?) can be given the same rights as all living persons and abortion can once and for all be illegal.

Let's just clear things up right now.

PRO-LIFE IS ABSOLUTELY GREAT!

And I think that we should clearly define when life starts so that we can fight to protect each and every life God has placed on this Earth.

I believe that the Pro-Life movement, however, is shooting itself in the foot. Nobody is going to believe that you really believe life is worth protecting if you don't, actually, protect life. So, for instance, your pro-life arguments are completely full of shit if you protect one life and not another. If you actively fight to kill something, you're not really pro-life, are you. No, you're not. So here's what we need to do to make people understand that Pro-Life is the ONLY way to go!

First, we need to outlaw abortion. Abortion is a form of killing, and killing ends life, so abortion fits into the pro-life statement that All Life Is Worth Protecting. So abortion goes. And to make sure people know we're serious about protecting life that is currently in existence and not just the life that is living in a mommy's tummy, once those babies are born, all Pro-Lifers will adopt unwanted babies, so that we KNOW those babies lives are protected by somebody who cares for life. All babies who would've been aborted because their mother was raped, those babies get immediately adopted by a Pro-Lifer. All babies who would've been aborted because their mother is too poor to provide a decent or healthy life for that child, those babies are adopted by Pro-Lifers. And then they care for the mother who was too poor to care for her child by paying for her college degree, making her a more viable candidate for A Good Life, as college grads live longer lives than non-college grads, and we're all about protecting life. By outlawing abortion, we also make in unnecessary to kill the doctors who are killing the babies. Two lives saved with one simple act!

Next, we outlaw bug spray. It is a poison which kills life, and it needs to go. We're All About Protecting Life, People!

Next, we need to outlaw the death penalty. Yes, some might argue that these violent criminals have given up their right to life by committing violent crimes, but that doesn't change our view that ALL LIFE IS WORTH PROTECTING! So we end the death penalty and put all criminals in prison for life.

Next, we need to outlaw guns. Guns are designed to kill either humans or animals, and they need to go. Look, if we don't stand behind our beliefs, people will think we're full of shit and not worth listening to, so we gotta do away with guns. No More Killing!

And the Armed Forces: gone. No more army, navy, air force or marines. No coast guard. No more bomb makers or tank manufacturers. They are all in the business of killing people, and life must be protected.

We gotta do away with radiation and chemo therapies for cancer victims, as cancer is a living thing, and... you guessed it... life must be protected.

Killing animals must be outlawed. So no more meat for food. And killing plants must be outlawed. So no more plants. All food must be synthetic, made completely from man-made ingredients. We will all live on protein bars and Twinkies.

The people who are currently alive, they must be protected, so all of them must be brought up to an economic level which would afford them a life worth living. All homeless and indigent people across the globe will have a Pro-Lifer pay for his or her house and meals until he or she is dead. We Pro-Lifers will not be called hypocrites and liars! We mean what we say! There is plenty of money and resources on this planet for every living person to have a home and food which sustains them. Hey, we protected them at birth, we need to continue protecting them once they have left mommy's tummy.

Finally, death must be outlawed. We are so serious about protecting life that we will demand it continues even after it naturally leaves. People who die will be strung up to medical machinery and kept alive through the financial participation of us Pro-Lifers. Facilities will be built to house these living corpses-- creating jobs, I might add-- and caretakers will be hired-- more jobs-- and space will be made for these living dead on the moon-- Welcome Back, Space Shuttle Program and more jobs!-- as we will quickly run out of space on the surface of the planet. All people will enjoy immortality, as we make sure that every human, young and old, living and dead, fulfills their God-given Right To Life!

Amen.

Role Models

Our 14-year-old posed a question to the family last night at dinner. He asked who my role models were.

My wife was the first to respond positively to this question. She gave a little gleeful yelp, and started with her role model: my mother. She said that my mother was somebody she had always wanted to be like when she grew up. My wife had mentioned this desire to be more like my mother at other times, and although I wasn't surprised by her answer, I hadn't thought about it in a while, and it's always nice to hear such high praise from the woman you love about the woman who raised you.

Our 10-year-old awkwardly started pointing at me. 14-year-old and my wife grumpily were asking him to stop pointing and say what he wanted to say, but because they were speaking over each other (not to mention our 10-year-old had his entire hand in his mouth and looked like he was trying to pull his lips to the back of his head), they didn't hear him say that his role model was me. I spoke for him. "He's pointing at me. He's saying that his role model is me." Our 14-year-old looked at our 10-year-old at that point, a little dejected. My wife picked up on that one. "Did he steal your thunder a little?" she asked our 14-year-old. He nodded, and my wife continued, "Why is your step-father your role model?" Our 14-year-old's face lit up. "Because he's done a lot of things that I want to do and he's eaten a can of frosting. And he's fun." Our 10-year-old agreed with these reasons for me being his role model. These answers brought lots of laughs from my wife and myself, as well as the boys.

It's one of the best things: sitting around, talking with my family, about random stuff like this. It's really wholesome, refreshing, and replenishing.

What never was said last night was who my role model was. This happens often. Somebody will ask a question of me and then answer it for themselves before I have a chance to answer. I find it cute and frustrating, but it's not something I care enough about to make a big deal over. Our 14-year-old has very mild Asperger's, so telling him that he's asking me a question and then answering it for himself might discourage him from being social, and being social is something that he's working hard to become more comfortable with. So my mentioning of minor social faux pas isn't, in the grand scheme of things, for the greater good. Our 10-year-old loves talking and could talk all day without rest... and sometimes he does. One day I will mention to him that he's asked me a question and hasn't wanted an answer. But that day isn't today. And it won't be tomorrow. My wife's nickname (which I gave her) is Shiny, because she's easily distracted from everything. It's one of the many things that draws me to her. I like being able to talk to her about a potential birthday gift and discuss how she might feel about it and then distract her with, let's say, a jingling set of shiny keys, and she will completely forget about our birthday gift conversation, making the gift a complete surprise when she opens it. This quality in her also makes me feel really smart, as I'm able to follow her multiple streams of thought when we talk without skipping a beat. It's important to me that my spouse make me feel good, not just in what she does for and to me, but in her being who she is and that fitting with who I am. My wife fits me really, really well.

I sat there last night trying to think about who my role model was. My first thought was Wolverine from The X-Men. But I kinda poo-pooed this thought, as he wasn't somebody I really wanted to model my life after. He's a hero and helps people and is loyal and has super powers, but he doesn't behave in a way that I think betters the world sometimes. He acts too much like me sometimes-- grumpy at the idiots he has to deal with and slice with his claws. Why do there have to be so many idiots?!

No, I wanted to be like somebody who is kind, loyal, strong, caring, supportive, funny and heroic. And I realized that my role model is my wife. I don't know anyone as kind as she is. She spent money so that our boys could have gifts to give their abusive father/her abusive ex-husband for his birthday and Christmas. She did this until he sued her for sole custody of the boys without reason, which is another quality I like about her: her kindness has limits and can be taken advantage of only so long. She has never said a bad word about anyone to anyone, except for me. I'm the only person she trusts with her "mean" feelings, which she always feels guilty for having. She remained loyal to her marriage for 12 years, even though she was the only member of that union who was actively trying to make it good. She has fiercely fought for her children and their happiness, even at her financial and emotional expense, because she believes they should be listened to and have a say in making their world better. She stood up to her parents when they told her that she and I had been secretive about our relationship. She was strong enough to divorce her ex-husband and stand up to her parents and protect her children with those two parties trying to hurt her and them, and she did this alone. She supports me, my mother and step-father and her children in all that we do. She makes me laugh more than George Carlin and Eddie Izzard combined. And in these ways, she's a hero to her children and myself. Something that I've come to realize, as I have a major hero complex, is that heroes often don't get recognized. Like the public at the beginning of the movie Hancock, heroes are often shunned, or they remain hidden so that nobody knows they are there. My wife champions her students, her children, her husband, her in-laws and all those she cares about on a regular basis.

My wife is my role model.

Very Important Person

You're the most
The Most Important
Very Important Person

You're my VIP
My VIP
So you should VIP
All over me!

Let your golden VIP
Rain down into my mouth
I'll drink up all your VIP
That comes from VIP-ness.
And if you were Professional
You'd be a VIPP
From M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-Tee-Hee

VIPP in my pants
VIPP in my bed
VIPP on my ice cream
VIPP on my mustache
VIPP around my back yard
VIPP very softly
VIPP in the pool
VIPP-I-PP-E-I-E-I-Oh No!

Don't VIPooPoo
Your VIPP
Can't you see, see
You've got the hugest VIP-ness around!

Beat me down with your VIP-ness!
Get it swollen and engorged!
Smack around your VIP-ness!
The source of your VIPP!

You scream
I scream
We all scream
For your golden VIPP!

Good Words

Symmetrical Mustache
Security Cameras & Cake
Happy Forest Clown
The Space

Kicked In The Nutz

I'm too gutless to move forward.

It's sorta like that book Flowers For Algernon where the retarded guy was happy, but then he got smart and realized that other people were making fun of him, and then he went back to being retarded, except now he was unhappy because he knew that people were making fun of him.

...well, OK, it's not quite like that.

But, used to be, I was a really great actor. I was a great improviser. I was a great musician. I was a great performer.

Then I got my confidence kicked in the nuts, and I stopped performing.

After "stopping", I was in a musical in New York. I was okay.
I was in a movie recently. I wasn't good.
I stop myself from performing with other groups here in town because I'm scared. I'm scared of being thought less of. And right now, there's not much less to think of about me. I'm not doing anything.

Well, I guess I sang a couple of times with a buddy of mine. We sang in our store. That seemed to go over well, but that was in a retail store, not a performance venue. When we went to a coffee house, we were okay. Then we went to a bar, sang two songs, and slaughtered everyone. Then we went back and completely bored everyone. Ourselves included. We haven't been invited back.

My mother is supportive.
My wife is supportive.
And yet, I make up all kinds of different excuses as to why I can't perform: I'm too tired, I haven't written anything, I don't want to perform with people who aren't professionals, you can't afford me. And probably, they're all to cover that I'm scared. I'm scared to find that I don't have "it" anymore. That I'm not as powerful as I once was. That I'm weak and I won't be able to get my strength back. That my wife won't think I'm funny, and that will mean that she doesn't love me anymore and we'll get divorced. Or our boys won't think I'm funny, and then they won't want to live with us at all anymore, and then Dick Lick will take them away and sue us for child support and we'll lose the house and the cars and have to live in a box. And yes, I guess this is a real, palpable fear of mine. I know it sounds outrageous and unrealistic, but I'm not ready to laugh about it because it's still a real possibility in my mind: this is something that might happen.

I remember seeing a friend of mine get kicked in the dick by a horse when we were at summer camp together in 5th grade. His nuts got pummeled, and he stood there for, like, 8 years, just looking at me, not moving, his eyes so huge they covered his entire face. It was like he was scared to move for some reason. That's how I feel. If I move, I might actually feel the pain from the horse kicking me in the dick, or I might realize that my balls have exploded inside my pelvis, or that my hips have exploded out my ass. I'm going to stand perfectly still and do nothing and, in that way, I'm going to still believe that I have a pair and can actually be considered a man.




PS... that friend who got kicked by a horse, he was rushed to the hospital. Didn't come back to camp. Much later in life, he became a famous swimmer and wrote a book about swimming. So I guess he's okay. I don't think he has any children.

23 Days

23 days until we go to court.
23 days until something happens.
As it is, nothing has happened except that Fuck has increased his bullying.
He has filed for sole custody without any reason, evidence or provable case.
Our attorney is baffled that his attorney is allowing this to continue.
She believes that his attorney is milking Fuck, trying to get as much money from him as possible.
That, or they are both monumentally stupid.
In either case, it's disturbing that this kind of behavior takes place in our world.

I try not to think about it.
But my hands still get charged with electricity. They are tingly with my anger and anxiety.
I try to vent it.
But it doesn't ever get out of my system.
Something brings it back, either me or some new piece of information.

Right now, they boys are happier than they've been in quite some time.
They don't know that Fuck is pushing for sole custody.
They don't know that he's trying to sue us for money that he has never asked for and has refused when we've offered it.
They don't know that he's not listening to them.
They don't know that he's told the court that our 14-year-old isn't mentally capable of deciding where he wants to live because of his severe Asperger's Syndrome. I fear that, one day, our 14-year-old will discover his father has said this about him, and it will crush him that his father used a falsified diagnosis as the reason for ignoring what his son has stated time and time again.
And even though the boys would care if they did know, what they're aware of right now is that Fuck is not yelling at them anymore.
He's not making their lives harder anymore.
And that's good for them.
And that makes me feel good on some level.
But it makes me super uncomfortable, knowing that it could come back at any time. Knowing that it WILL come back at some point. And even if he was to get everything that he wanted from this court settlement, which he simply cannot, this peaceful time in his life will end. At some point, the boys will ask for something or say something or behave in some way that isn't appropriate in his crazy world, and then they will, once again, be victims to his insane mood swings and abuse. It will not be better. It's a disguise for the court. A lie while people are looking.

I've got to trust our lawyer.
I've just got to.
It's too much for me to handle or think about if I don't.

And my mother made a good point to me yesterday at our weekly lunch: I can't take care of everybody all the time. I take on far more responsibility for those boys than I should sometimes, because I feel the need to make up for their father's failings. I want them to know that they are valuable people in a way that their father should be doing but never has. That's not my responsibility. It is my responsibility to take care of myself. Like a lifeguard, I have to guard my life first so that I'm able to help others. No matter what I do, it will not change the fact that those boys have an abusive father who lies and manipulates them to their own detriment. I will never be able to change that.

Those thoughts don't help me, either.
I've just gotta trust our lawyer.
And think about it being "over" in 23 days.
Please, let it be over in 23 days.

A Few Good Men

You remember that famous scene in A Few Good Men where Jack Nicholson gives that "You can't handle the truth" speech? You remember what happens right after that speech? Cruise, essentially, asks if Jack is responsible for ordering a murder. Jack starts to flounder a bit, and Cruise, again, asks if Jack is responsible for ordering a murder, but he yells at his face. And Jack responds by yelling back, "You're goddam right I did!" The courtroom falls silent and Cruise looks stunned, because this guy just admitted to ordering a murder, believing it was the right thing to do.

Nicholson's character in that movie is fantastic. Somebody so flawed that he believes he is entirely above reproach or mistake. He believes that he is so infallible that he just admits to having done something as reprehensible as ordering another human to be murdered without fear of rebuke. In fact, a few moments later, he's saying to the courtroom that he has done something valiant. His actions-- ordering U.S. Marines to take actions against a fellow U.S. Marine which resulted in murder-- were to be lauded. This character is sick. He is psychotic. And he's fun for me to watch because he's a bad, bad, bad guy and you know it from the beginning of the movie that he's a bad, bad, bad guy. And he tries to hide it for the whole movie, but ultimately, he decides that he doesn't need to hide from anybody, least of all Tom Cruise in his "faggoty white uniform", and just says to the world, "I did my job and I'd do it again," referring to killing another marine. And I like that character, probably, because I've never had to deal with somebody like that-- that sick and psychotic-- ever before.

Then our lawyer called yesterday.

Our lawyer (who has earned the name Ninja Yoda), deposed Shrimp Dick on Monday. A deposition is a legal matter, with a court reporter and all, where opposing counsel (Ninja Yoda) gets to ask questions of the other side (Shrimp Dick) in a kind of preview for the trial. It's legally binding, the deposition, and you are held to what you say when you appear in court. If you change your answers between the deposition and the trial, you're breaking the law. If you lie at the deposition, you're breaking the law. It's a big deal.

So my impression is that Ninja Yoda was going to ask Shrimp Dick about this new motion he's filed, which is to dissolve joint custody between my wife and his shrimpy-withered-dick-self. He stated, in the motion, that my wife has berated him publicly and in front of their children, she has unilaterally scheduled school and doctor appointments without talking with him about them first, she has involved the boys in the litigation process unnecessarily, and has threatened the boys relationship with family members (which means my wife's mother, who maintains a relationship with Shrimp Dick through this whole mess, and continues to shun my wife at every turn).

Ninja Yoda starts by asking Srimpy about the threats to family members. Ninja Yoda: so what's up with this thing about threatening family members and hurting their relationship with the boys? Shrimpy: well, [my wife's mother] was going to be deposed, and that was a threat that [my wife] made and that hurts the boys. Ninja Yoda: you understand that you put [my wife's mother] on your list of witnesses for trial? Shrimpy: yes. Ninja Yoda: and you know that it is in my client's best interest if I know what your witnesses are going to say, so I'm the one who stated that I would have to depose her mother if we actually went to trial? Shrimpy: yes. Ninja Yoda: so you understand that it's not a threat, but a legal move originated by myself and not [my wife]? Shrimpy: yes. Ninja Yoda: so... how, again, is it a threat from my client when it came from me? Shrimpy: it's not. Point, Ninja Yoda.

Next issue. Ninja Yoda: so tell me how my client berates you. Shrimpy: well, at school and in public and in front of the boys, she berates me. Ninja Yoda: ok, can you give me an example of how she berates you? Shrimpy: well... umm... she just does. Ninja Yoda: does she call you names? Shrimpy: no. Ninja Yoda: is she nasty to you? Ninja Yoda: no. Ninja Yoda: does she do it in front of the children? Shrimpy: well, they come and go. Ninja Yoda: so they're not there? Shrimpy: no. Ninja Yoda: so how does she berate you? Shrimpy: well, you wouldn't understand. You'd have to hear it. Ninja Yoda: oh, I've heard some of it. Can you tell me how she berates you? Shrimpy: well, she talks down to me in her tone. Ninja Yoda: my client berates you with her tone? Shrimpy: yes. Ninja Yoda: so she berates you with her tone? Shrimpy: yes. Point, Ninja Yoda.

Next issue. Ninja Yoda: can you tell me how my client unilaterally schedules meetings? Shrimpy: well, she contacts the doctor or teacher, they tell her the times that they have available, and then she tells me when those times are, and I choose which time is best for me. Ninja Yoda: so you get to choose which time is best for you from a selection of times that my client presents to you? Shrimpy: yes. Point, Ninja Yoda. But she continues on this point, as there's more insanity to uncover. Ninja Yoda: I understand that my client contacted teachers recently regarding the boys and that made you mad, is that correct? Shrimpy: well, yeah! She doesn't need to speak for me. Ninja Yoda: she actually didn't speak for you, she contacted the teachers stating that you had not been able to contact the teachers. Shrimpy: she shouldn't be talking to them. Ninja Yoda: can you talk to the teachers? Shrimpy: yes! Ninja Yoda: have you? Shrimpy: no. Double point, Ninja Yoda.

At this point, Ninja Yoda has gone over every point that Shrimp Dick has presented, and he has absolutely no foundation for any of his accusations. None. Ninja Yoda: you understand, to dissolve joint custody, something severe needs to change in the conditions of the children or the parents such that this change is negatively affecting the children. You have stated that my client has a tone that she uses with you when the children aren't around, that she has not threatened any family member or put that family member's relationship with the boys in jeopardy, and that she allows you to choose appointment times from a selection of several times before she schedules them. Are you sure you want to continue with this motion to dissolve joint custody. Shrimpy: I need to talk with my lawyer [who has been sitting next to his client the entire time, saying nothing]. Ninja Yoda says that they should take a five minute recess. After five, they come back and Shrimpy says that he wants to continue with the law suit to dissolve joint custody. Ninja Yoda: can you tell me why you want to dissolve joint custody? Shrimpy: because I don't want to be questioned or criticized by your client and I want to have complete control over the boys' lives. *That, by the way, is a direct quote: "I want to have complete control over the boys' lives." Seems to fly in the face of the joint custody agreement he is currently involved in.*

So Ninja Yoda contacts us yesterday and tells us all of this. She's excited and baffled. The excitement comes from knowing that the opposition has nothing at all that they plan on using to support their arguments, and everything they have been saying is baseless. The bafflement comes from how in the fuck did Shrimpy's lawyer let this get to this point, and how in the fuck does Shrimpy believe he should continue when he has just given testimony that he's, in no uncertain terms, full of shit?? There is, at this point, no chance that the joint custody will be dissolved in Shrimp Dick's favor. There is, however, a chance that joint custody will be dissolved as he has proven himself to be insane.

Shrimp Dick is nothing like Jack Nicholson, or the character he portrays in A Few Good Men. One of the biggest differences is that Nicholson doesn't need to buy tampons every 28 days like Shrimp Dick does. Nicholson doesn't bottle, chill and drink his own urine. Nicholson doesn't squat to pee. I can't take credit for that last one, that's a direct David Mamet quote from Speed the Plow. But it fits. Shrimp Dick is a sick, sick individual who should be removed from the general population and put away for the rest of his life. He's evil and stupid and should be ended.

I love A Few Good Men, but after hearing about yesterday's events, I'm looking at that movie in a different light. It doesn't make me as happy anymore. I know there are monsters worse than Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, and one of them is in charge of caring for my boys more than half of their lives. I don't like thinking about that, or thinking about what he might do if his psychotic delusions come crashing down, like waking up on May 22nd, 2011, and realizing your religious leader has taken you for a ride and you're screwed.

I will choose not to think about that. It hasn't happened. It's not here. There's no need to project fear about things that haven't happened. There's a difference between being prepared for an event and dwelling in it's forecasted tragedies.

I'm gonna live here:

Col. Nathan R. Jessup: I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head, and piss in your dead skull! You fucked with the wrong marine! You fuckin' people. You have no idea how to defend a nation. All you did was weaken a country today, Caffey. You put people's lives in danger. That's all you did. Sweet dreams, son.

Daniel Caffey: Don't call me "son". I'm a lawyer and an officer in the United States Navy. And you're under arrest, you son of a bitch. The witness is excused.

Fuckin' A. The witness is excused.