If I could, I would probably incorporate a more regular use of the bandana in my everyday wardrobe.
I would probably wear one on my head regularly. Either in the longer-tail-coming-out-the-back fashion, or as a headband. Think Brett Michaels, Compton gangsta, or Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow.
I would probably wear one around my wrist, tied tightly without dangling ends.
I would also like to use torn fleece more, like long-sleeved sweatshirt with the sleeves torn off to make them short-sleeved or sleeveless.
I would probably wear bandanas dangling out of the back pocket of my jeans, too. Like The Boss on the Born In The U.S.A. album cover, except exchange the red ball cap for a bandana. I would need to start wearing jeans to make this happen, too. Well, on second thought, maybe I just like the jeans. Maybe they could be ripped a little.
I would like to say that I would wear fingerless gloves more. But I wouldn't. I did that in the 80s. Liked it for a moment. That moment has passed. It would appear that I have arrived at this moment: Gansta GlamRock Pirate Flashdancer.
Or maybe I'll just wear what Michael Jackson wore, circa 1984. That shit was dope.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Here we go again...
Another law suit.
Another sole custody case.
The ex is filing for sole custody stating that the mother, my wife, isn't trying to co-parent.
The exact opposite is true.
But that doesn't stop the case from proceeding.
So...
Our new attorney, our super-expensive attorney, who we hired to try to stop all this, calls my wife.
And my wife comes away from the conversation feeling attacked.
He pointedly asks her why she didn't tell him information on the guardian ad litem's report.
From the previous case.
That she has tried to move past.
He had a phone call with the guardian ad litem, who told him that my wife's mother had stated that the Ex would be a better parent than my wife.
My wife tries to explain that our previous attorney had tried to get to the bottom of this, and neither the guardian ad litem nor the attorney for the Ex said that my wife's mother had said such a thing.
If it was the case that the guardian ad litem had based her report based on my wife's mother stating that the father would make a better parent, we didn't have that information. We had been told my wife's mother had spoken highly of the father, and that he hadn't done anything wrong. But no one would say that she stated that the father was the BETTER parent.
So as she's being grilled about this, again, my wife gets to go through these thoughts, again:
I didn't handle my divorce correctly in the first place.
My ex continues to abuse my children, and I feel partly responsible for that.
My mother continues to abuse my children, and I feel partly responsible for that.
I tried to do what's best, always, and it always turns out to be "the wrong thing".
My first attorney made me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures.
"You should have gotten an attorney."
"You should have been represented."
"You should behave in different ways that you have been behaving."
"You should let your ex-husband take advantage of you and your children."
My second attorney made me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures.
Replay quotes from above.
The guardian ad litem made me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures.
Replay quotes.
My ex's attorney makes me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures, as well as compounds issues by lying.
My ex continues to make me feel dumb and exploit these feelings, as well as lies continuously.
My own mother has turned against me and believes that I shouldn't mother my children.
Maybe my own mother was never on my side to begin with.
What kind of a person am I who doesn't have the support of my own mother?
And now my current attorney is making me feel dumb by reminding me of my shortcomings and failures, especially the one about my mother thinking I'm a bad mother.
And even though I cannot clearly give any examples of how I have behaved like a bad person, a bad daughter, a bad wife, or a bad mother, everyone tells me this is so.
Everyone.
Except my current husband, his mother, and his step-father.
Three people against the Rest Of The World.
So either I am right along with these three other people, or the rest of the world is right.
And the weight of the rest of the world is overwhelming.
And this weight makes me feel like I must be a bad parent, daughter, wife, and person.
At the time, no one claimed that my wife's mother had said that the father was the better parent.
Or maybe it just wasn't material.
It's hard to recall why, exactly, she hadn't held on to that piece of information.
At one time, did my mother say that my ex was a better parent than I am? I remember that my attorney hadn't made a big deal out of it, and I remember reading an email asking the guardian ad litem and the opposing attorney for information as to if my mother had said that I wasn't a good mother. I didn't think my mother had said that. I can't remember if she did or not. Or maybe it was a letter from my attorney...
And as my wife is trying to remember why she had put that piece of information out of her mind, our current attorney seemingly attacks her, saying that this IS an important piece of information.
And then she starts feeling like everything she did before was wrong, and she is wrong, and all of this ON TOP OF her mother saying that she's wrong.
And she starts to cry as she responds to our attorney, trying to tell him what she remembers.
And he tells her to stop crying, that the court won't take kindly to this behavior.
And then he continues to prepare her case.
And when she relates all of this to me, she admits, through the tears, that she guesses she's happy that he's on our side, making me feel like our attorney is still a good choice. But despite that, it's tremendously difficult to remember why you forgot that your mother doesn't approve of you. And then to remember that your mother doesn't approve of you. And to know that every move you make is wrong:
If you don't talk to your mother, you're not making an effort to maintain a relationship with her.
If you do talk with your mother, you give her information she will later use against you as she continues to try to prevent you from seeing your children.
And the reason?
I don't think my wife's mother even knows why she doesn't approve of my wife.
Somewhere in the reasons that get thrown around are her marriage to me, something about how she didn't handle her grandmother's illness and death appropriately (according to her mother), something about how she didn't handle her brother's illness and death appropriately (according to her mother), and something about how she didn't handle her father's illness and death appropriately (according to her mother). Maybe something about how she didn't ask her parents for permission before she got divorced.
But what gets said is that my wife isn't a good mother.
What doesnt' get said is that this statement is based on my wife going to the hospital to care for her grandmother, and when she had said goodbye, she left.
Then, my wife informed her parents she was getting divorced.
Then, she went to the hospital and took care of her brother, including bedside care while he convulsed without consciousness, while her parents were out of the state. And she did this for them for several days.
Then, she stayed with her father, and cared for him as best she could, including sleeping in his room with him overnight and being in the room with him as he gasped his final breaths.
And because she does all of this caring for her family-- or maybe in spite of all of this caring--
She gets to answer questions as to why her mother thinks her abusive ex-husband would make a better parent and why her mother would say that.
And she gets to tell the story, all over again, of how she honestly doesn't know how or why her mother is behaving like she is.
Which doesn't make my wife come off like a beacon of information.
Which doesn't help her case at all.
And she knows that.
And has one more thing to feel wrong about.
I try to step back, as best as I can, and look at this.
And what I see is a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, and a good person.
I see her getting attacked as a child by parents who wanted her to be something she wasn't.
And even though she tried to be what they wanted, they attacked her for not being "perfect".
For not getting good enough grades.
For not dating the right boys.
For not having the right interests.
And they continued to attack her into college, where she wanted to be an artist. She wanted to study art.
They attacked her and said that she couldn't study art.
So she dropped out of school, because she had no interest in being who they wanted her to be.
And she got attacked because she got pregnant with a man she wasn't married to.
She was paraded in front of her church and removed from her leadership position until she admitted her sin. Her Wrong.
And she was attacked for not waxing her mother's car while she was pregnant.
While she was sick with pregnancy.
And she was attacked for putting balloons on the getaway car at her wedding.
And she was attacked for wanting her husband's attentions.
Attacked for wanting his help parenting their children.
Attacked for trying to make her marriage work.
Attacked for ending her marriage.
Attacked for not getting an attorney.
Attacked for allowing her ex-husband to keep the house that her children felt comfortable in.
Attacked for speaking her mind about all these attacks.
Attacked for talking with her folks about her feelings.
Attacked for trying to work on that relationship.
Attacked for trying to get what she had agreed to in her initial divorce decree.
Attacked by her ex-husband, her former friends, and her parents.
Almost without mercy.
Without end.
Seemingly endless attacks.
And then February 2012 happens.
And there is another signed legal agreement.
And for nine months, she starts to feel like the attacks have stopped.
She is able to focus on her family.
On her kids' smiles.
On her husband's love.
On the love from her in-laws.
On helping her children navigate life, and school, and braces, and puberty, and living in a divorced home where mother and father were constantly fighting, but for the moment have stopped.
She can focus on everything that is worth focusing on.
And then she is attacked again.
For no reason.
Again.
Just for being.
Again.
And she accepts the help of her family, even though she wants to be independent.
Because she just wants it to stop.
She wants the attacking to stop.
But it resumes.
Just like before.
And she feels attacked from her attorney,
just like before,
even though she feels he's probably doing his job.
She Still Feels Attacked.
And, in reality, she is being attacked.
Again.
By her Ex.
His attorney.
Her mother.
The guardian ad litem, the attorney for her children.
And by anyone and everyone all of those people can get to and coerce into seeing my wife as somebody worthy of being attacked.
Members of their church families.
Members of the legal system.
They are recruiting people to work against my wife.
Her mother's boyfriend met my wife for the first time, and shook her hand in such a way that she currently has an injured arm because of the force and twisting of his handshake.
She is currently struggling through her job because of this injury.
A physical attack.
And if she tells anyone about it, they will tell her that this was
An honest mistake
He didn't mean to do it
Why hadn't she said something about it then
Why didn't she "take care of herself"
...All of these questions: Attacks.
Again, She Is Wrong.
And my wife feels all of that.
And all she can do about it right now
is cry to me on the other end of the phone.
And continue to be attacked.
And all I can do for her right now
is tell her I love her.
Tell her she is right.
Tell her that I know what she's going through.
And I know that she is right.
Ask her about what she's doing.
Try to get her to actively put her mind anywhere other than where she is
Being Attacked
Again.
Another sole custody case.
The ex is filing for sole custody stating that the mother, my wife, isn't trying to co-parent.
The exact opposite is true.
But that doesn't stop the case from proceeding.
So...
Our new attorney, our super-expensive attorney, who we hired to try to stop all this, calls my wife.
And my wife comes away from the conversation feeling attacked.
He pointedly asks her why she didn't tell him information on the guardian ad litem's report.
From the previous case.
That she has tried to move past.
He had a phone call with the guardian ad litem, who told him that my wife's mother had stated that the Ex would be a better parent than my wife.
My wife tries to explain that our previous attorney had tried to get to the bottom of this, and neither the guardian ad litem nor the attorney for the Ex said that my wife's mother had said such a thing.
If it was the case that the guardian ad litem had based her report based on my wife's mother stating that the father would make a better parent, we didn't have that information. We had been told my wife's mother had spoken highly of the father, and that he hadn't done anything wrong. But no one would say that she stated that the father was the BETTER parent.
So as she's being grilled about this, again, my wife gets to go through these thoughts, again:
I didn't handle my divorce correctly in the first place.
My ex continues to abuse my children, and I feel partly responsible for that.
My mother continues to abuse my children, and I feel partly responsible for that.
I tried to do what's best, always, and it always turns out to be "the wrong thing".
My first attorney made me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures.
"You should have gotten an attorney."
"You should have been represented."
"You should behave in different ways that you have been behaving."
"You should let your ex-husband take advantage of you and your children."
My second attorney made me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures.
Replay quotes from above.
The guardian ad litem made me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures.
Replay quotes.
My ex's attorney makes me feel dumb by pointing out my shortcomings and failures, as well as compounds issues by lying.
My ex continues to make me feel dumb and exploit these feelings, as well as lies continuously.
My own mother has turned against me and believes that I shouldn't mother my children.
Maybe my own mother was never on my side to begin with.
What kind of a person am I who doesn't have the support of my own mother?
And now my current attorney is making me feel dumb by reminding me of my shortcomings and failures, especially the one about my mother thinking I'm a bad mother.
And even though I cannot clearly give any examples of how I have behaved like a bad person, a bad daughter, a bad wife, or a bad mother, everyone tells me this is so.
Everyone.
Except my current husband, his mother, and his step-father.
Three people against the Rest Of The World.
So either I am right along with these three other people, or the rest of the world is right.
And the weight of the rest of the world is overwhelming.
And this weight makes me feel like I must be a bad parent, daughter, wife, and person.
At the time, no one claimed that my wife's mother had said that the father was the better parent.
Or maybe it just wasn't material.
It's hard to recall why, exactly, she hadn't held on to that piece of information.
At one time, did my mother say that my ex was a better parent than I am? I remember that my attorney hadn't made a big deal out of it, and I remember reading an email asking the guardian ad litem and the opposing attorney for information as to if my mother had said that I wasn't a good mother. I didn't think my mother had said that. I can't remember if she did or not. Or maybe it was a letter from my attorney...
And as my wife is trying to remember why she had put that piece of information out of her mind, our current attorney seemingly attacks her, saying that this IS an important piece of information.
And then she starts feeling like everything she did before was wrong, and she is wrong, and all of this ON TOP OF her mother saying that she's wrong.
And she starts to cry as she responds to our attorney, trying to tell him what she remembers.
And he tells her to stop crying, that the court won't take kindly to this behavior.
And then he continues to prepare her case.
And when she relates all of this to me, she admits, through the tears, that she guesses she's happy that he's on our side, making me feel like our attorney is still a good choice. But despite that, it's tremendously difficult to remember why you forgot that your mother doesn't approve of you. And then to remember that your mother doesn't approve of you. And to know that every move you make is wrong:
If you don't talk to your mother, you're not making an effort to maintain a relationship with her.
If you do talk with your mother, you give her information she will later use against you as she continues to try to prevent you from seeing your children.
And the reason?
I don't think my wife's mother even knows why she doesn't approve of my wife.
Somewhere in the reasons that get thrown around are her marriage to me, something about how she didn't handle her grandmother's illness and death appropriately (according to her mother), something about how she didn't handle her brother's illness and death appropriately (according to her mother), and something about how she didn't handle her father's illness and death appropriately (according to her mother). Maybe something about how she didn't ask her parents for permission before she got divorced.
But what gets said is that my wife isn't a good mother.
What doesnt' get said is that this statement is based on my wife going to the hospital to care for her grandmother, and when she had said goodbye, she left.
Then, my wife informed her parents she was getting divorced.
Then, she went to the hospital and took care of her brother, including bedside care while he convulsed without consciousness, while her parents were out of the state. And she did this for them for several days.
Then, she stayed with her father, and cared for him as best she could, including sleeping in his room with him overnight and being in the room with him as he gasped his final breaths.
And because she does all of this caring for her family-- or maybe in spite of all of this caring--
She gets to answer questions as to why her mother thinks her abusive ex-husband would make a better parent and why her mother would say that.
And she gets to tell the story, all over again, of how she honestly doesn't know how or why her mother is behaving like she is.
Which doesn't make my wife come off like a beacon of information.
Which doesn't help her case at all.
And she knows that.
And has one more thing to feel wrong about.
I try to step back, as best as I can, and look at this.
And what I see is a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, and a good person.
I see her getting attacked as a child by parents who wanted her to be something she wasn't.
And even though she tried to be what they wanted, they attacked her for not being "perfect".
For not getting good enough grades.
For not dating the right boys.
For not having the right interests.
And they continued to attack her into college, where she wanted to be an artist. She wanted to study art.
They attacked her and said that she couldn't study art.
So she dropped out of school, because she had no interest in being who they wanted her to be.
And she got attacked because she got pregnant with a man she wasn't married to.
She was paraded in front of her church and removed from her leadership position until she admitted her sin. Her Wrong.
And she was attacked for not waxing her mother's car while she was pregnant.
While she was sick with pregnancy.
And she was attacked for putting balloons on the getaway car at her wedding.
And she was attacked for wanting her husband's attentions.
Attacked for wanting his help parenting their children.
Attacked for trying to make her marriage work.
Attacked for ending her marriage.
Attacked for not getting an attorney.
Attacked for allowing her ex-husband to keep the house that her children felt comfortable in.
Attacked for speaking her mind about all these attacks.
Attacked for talking with her folks about her feelings.
Attacked for trying to work on that relationship.
Attacked for trying to get what she had agreed to in her initial divorce decree.
Attacked by her ex-husband, her former friends, and her parents.
Almost without mercy.
Without end.
Seemingly endless attacks.
And then February 2012 happens.
And there is another signed legal agreement.
And for nine months, she starts to feel like the attacks have stopped.
She is able to focus on her family.
On her kids' smiles.
On her husband's love.
On the love from her in-laws.
On helping her children navigate life, and school, and braces, and puberty, and living in a divorced home where mother and father were constantly fighting, but for the moment have stopped.
She can focus on everything that is worth focusing on.
And then she is attacked again.
For no reason.
Again.
Just for being.
Again.
And she accepts the help of her family, even though she wants to be independent.
Because she just wants it to stop.
She wants the attacking to stop.
But it resumes.
Just like before.
And she feels attacked from her attorney,
just like before,
even though she feels he's probably doing his job.
She Still Feels Attacked.
And, in reality, she is being attacked.
Again.
By her Ex.
His attorney.
Her mother.
The guardian ad litem, the attorney for her children.
And by anyone and everyone all of those people can get to and coerce into seeing my wife as somebody worthy of being attacked.
Members of their church families.
Members of the legal system.
They are recruiting people to work against my wife.
Her mother's boyfriend met my wife for the first time, and shook her hand in such a way that she currently has an injured arm because of the force and twisting of his handshake.
She is currently struggling through her job because of this injury.
A physical attack.
And if she tells anyone about it, they will tell her that this was
An honest mistake
He didn't mean to do it
Why hadn't she said something about it then
Why didn't she "take care of herself"
...All of these questions: Attacks.
Again, She Is Wrong.
And my wife feels all of that.
And all she can do about it right now
is cry to me on the other end of the phone.
And continue to be attacked.
And all I can do for her right now
is tell her I love her.
Tell her she is right.
Tell her that I know what she's going through.
And I know that she is right.
Ask her about what she's doing.
Try to get her to actively put her mind anywhere other than where she is
Being Attacked
Again.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thankfully
For all you are
For all you will be
For all you were
That brought you to me
For all you bring
And all you leave
And all you share
Trusting me
Thankfully
So Thankfully
Most thankfully
I have you
And every day
In every way
I thank fully
My gift of you
For all the things
That we are
That make us laugh
Future and past
And all the times
You held to me
I held to you
That will last
And thankfully
So thankfully
Most thankfully
We are we
And every day
In every way
I thank fully
The gift of we
For all you will be
For all you were
That brought you to me
For all you bring
And all you leave
And all you share
Trusting me
Thankfully
So Thankfully
Most thankfully
I have you
And every day
In every way
I thank fully
My gift of you
For all the things
That we are
That make us laugh
Future and past
And all the times
You held to me
I held to you
That will last
And thankfully
So thankfully
Most thankfully
We are we
And every day
In every way
I thank fully
The gift of we
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
I Love My Wife So Much!
I'm so happy that I'm married to my wife!
She makes me smile so huge on a daily basis!
I'm so happy we found each other again!
She makes me smile so huge on a daily basis!
I'm so happy we found each other again!
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Thinking About Our 12-Year-Old
Our 16-year-old asks his 12-year-old brother if he’s a Christian. The 12-year-old answers quickly, almost without thinking, “Yes no I don’t know.”
This really pisses me off, because I want our 12-year-old to say what he means, and he hasn’t done that since his father yelled in his face a couple of years ago when our 12-year-old wanted to talk with his father about spending the night at his mother’s house. At that time, father got in his face, pointed a finger at his down-turned eyes, and raised his voice to a yelling level, saying, “This isn’t a discussion. Now, you’re coming with me, and we’re going to have a good night, okay?!” At which point, our 12-year-old nodded his head in agreement.
He’s been nodding his head in agreement ever since.
I can’t say as I blame him.
If I do what dad says, he won’t yell at me. I can say whatever I want at mom’s, and she doesn’t yell, so it doesn’t really matter what I do there. As long as I do whatever dad wants, I’ll be fine.
I don’t know if that’s what he’s thinking, but those words line up with his actions ever since that evening on our porch.
And since that time, our 12-year-old has not said what he means. Almost 100% of the time.
I don’t want to give too much weight to the Father Yelling Incident, as our 12-year-old had a severe habit of Not Rocking The Boat even before he was yelled at for thinking for himself. He would say or do whatever he needed to in order to not cause waves. If he was with dad and dad thought it was a good thing to bad mouth our 12-year-old’s friends, then, by golly, our 12-year-old would bad-mouth his own friends. After all, what are they gonna do, especially since there is little chance that it will get back to them that he’s not speaking favorably about them? They’re not gonna do anything, so he might as well agree with his dad and say that his friends really shouldn’t be playing football because they don’t have the athletic abilities to make them successful, especially this late in their lives.
At this point in his life, I worry about the old parental query, “If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?” I believe that he would jump off that cliff if it was likely that he would get yelled at by his father if he did not.
Which brings me back to our 16-year-old questioning our 12-year-old’s faith and religion. Our 16-year-old asked what he liked about going to church, and our 12-year-old said that it was fun.
I bought that at the time.
But as I have been sitting here about 24 hours away from that answer, I wonder why he never wants to go to church when he’s with his mother and me. I can really only come up with two feasible answers:
1. He doesn’t want to rock the boat with us, and so he says what he thinks will get the least amount of resistance from us, again doing whatever he needs to do to avoid rocking the boat. Or…
2. It’s not fun enough to make him want to go.
And as I sit here and think about it a little more, I remember times when he told his father that he wanted to play Warhammer, a game which his father continued to say was evil because it had demons and magic involved in it. A game which his father continued to gift supplies for, even though he was saying it was evil. But our 12-year-old said that he wanted to play, and his father continued to supply the Evil Game Pieces so his son could play the Evil Game.
As I type this, I wonder if our 12-year-old was saying what he needed to say in order to not make waves with his brother. Maybe he doesn’t have feelings one way or the other about church and religion. Maybe he doesn’t really want to get up on Sunday mornings, and maybe that’s why he says that he doesn’t want to go to church. And maybe he enjoys the time with his father when they go to church together. He mentioned that his father gets free food, and while that doesn’t mean one little thing to him personally, I wonder if free food makes his father a little less abusive. He’s been mollified by the free food and time with his son becomes more bearable. And maybe that’s all our 12-year-old is looking for: a good time. And maybe his answer of “it’s fun” isn’t in reference to the activities associated with church or Christianity at all. Maybe it’s fun to not have dad angry just for a moment. And maybe it’s fun to see dad in a way that isn’t really difficult to understand or like.
I really would like our 12-year-old to say what he means. And at the same time, I don’t wish our 12-year-old any discomfort or pain that comes from any part of his life. Especially the part of his life that I’m not allowed to be in. That part of his life where I can’t protect him.
Being a parent really fucking blows sometimes.
This really pisses me off, because I want our 12-year-old to say what he means, and he hasn’t done that since his father yelled in his face a couple of years ago when our 12-year-old wanted to talk with his father about spending the night at his mother’s house. At that time, father got in his face, pointed a finger at his down-turned eyes, and raised his voice to a yelling level, saying, “This isn’t a discussion. Now, you’re coming with me, and we’re going to have a good night, okay?!” At which point, our 12-year-old nodded his head in agreement.
He’s been nodding his head in agreement ever since.
I can’t say as I blame him.
If I do what dad says, he won’t yell at me. I can say whatever I want at mom’s, and she doesn’t yell, so it doesn’t really matter what I do there. As long as I do whatever dad wants, I’ll be fine.
I don’t know if that’s what he’s thinking, but those words line up with his actions ever since that evening on our porch.
And since that time, our 12-year-old has not said what he means. Almost 100% of the time.
I don’t want to give too much weight to the Father Yelling Incident, as our 12-year-old had a severe habit of Not Rocking The Boat even before he was yelled at for thinking for himself. He would say or do whatever he needed to in order to not cause waves. If he was with dad and dad thought it was a good thing to bad mouth our 12-year-old’s friends, then, by golly, our 12-year-old would bad-mouth his own friends. After all, what are they gonna do, especially since there is little chance that it will get back to them that he’s not speaking favorably about them? They’re not gonna do anything, so he might as well agree with his dad and say that his friends really shouldn’t be playing football because they don’t have the athletic abilities to make them successful, especially this late in their lives.
At this point in his life, I worry about the old parental query, “If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?” I believe that he would jump off that cliff if it was likely that he would get yelled at by his father if he did not.
Which brings me back to our 16-year-old questioning our 12-year-old’s faith and religion. Our 16-year-old asked what he liked about going to church, and our 12-year-old said that it was fun.
I bought that at the time.
But as I have been sitting here about 24 hours away from that answer, I wonder why he never wants to go to church when he’s with his mother and me. I can really only come up with two feasible answers:
1. He doesn’t want to rock the boat with us, and so he says what he thinks will get the least amount of resistance from us, again doing whatever he needs to do to avoid rocking the boat. Or…
2. It’s not fun enough to make him want to go.
And as I sit here and think about it a little more, I remember times when he told his father that he wanted to play Warhammer, a game which his father continued to say was evil because it had demons and magic involved in it. A game which his father continued to gift supplies for, even though he was saying it was evil. But our 12-year-old said that he wanted to play, and his father continued to supply the Evil Game Pieces so his son could play the Evil Game.
As I type this, I wonder if our 12-year-old was saying what he needed to say in order to not make waves with his brother. Maybe he doesn’t have feelings one way or the other about church and religion. Maybe he doesn’t really want to get up on Sunday mornings, and maybe that’s why he says that he doesn’t want to go to church. And maybe he enjoys the time with his father when they go to church together. He mentioned that his father gets free food, and while that doesn’t mean one little thing to him personally, I wonder if free food makes his father a little less abusive. He’s been mollified by the free food and time with his son becomes more bearable. And maybe that’s all our 12-year-old is looking for: a good time. And maybe his answer of “it’s fun” isn’t in reference to the activities associated with church or Christianity at all. Maybe it’s fun to not have dad angry just for a moment. And maybe it’s fun to see dad in a way that isn’t really difficult to understand or like.
I really would like our 12-year-old to say what he means. And at the same time, I don’t wish our 12-year-old any discomfort or pain that comes from any part of his life. Especially the part of his life that I’m not allowed to be in. That part of his life where I can’t protect him.
Being a parent really fucking blows sometimes.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
bad memories
having a hard time with negative memories today
a man yells in my face because he said something on a public stage. he agreed that what he said should be written on the wall. a friend of his got hurt because he read what the man said. the man yells in my face because he said something on a public stage and his friend was hurt. i stand there and let him yell at me, sticking his nose in my face. screaming. i was certain i was going to get punched. many years later, that man sent me a facebook message. "let's make up." i don't believe i have anything to make up to anyone, other than taking responsibility for writing what someone else said on the wall. whatever the case, the man is hurt and his friend is hurt. i don't like it when people are hurt. and there was a lot of anger pointed at me. that makes me feel like i've done something wrong.
nobody in my cast stood up for me. nobody in my cast told me about the incident. they all denied that they had anything to do with the incident, even though they all had something to do with the incident. i feel badly that all those people have prooven themselves to be fairweather friends. not particularly loyal. i wish they were. it makes me sad that some of them i was friends with for over 10 years, and now we don't speak at all.
i lived in that state for over ten years. i speak to only one person from that state on any kind of regular basis. i have had a handful of conversations with the rest of the folks from there since i moved away about five years ago. that's one person each year. that makes me sad.
what kind of asshole am i that i leave a state with only one friend after being there for over ten years? i feel like a really big asshole. not deserving of any real kindness. not deserving of friends. cuz even though i don't believe i did anything wrong, i do believe that the people i once thought were my friends turned out to be something different than what i thought they were.
somebody yells at me means i did something wrong
somebody turns their back on me means i wasn't worthy
somebody doesn't want to be my friend means i am shitty
facebook people hurt by the election indirectly accuse me of lacking morals and integrity because i want to see the nation turn into hell. that means i'm a horrible person, cuz i want to nation to be a horrible place for everybody
i can intellecutalize a lot of this away.
but my feelings aren't intellectual.
it hurts.
a man yells in my face because he said something on a public stage. he agreed that what he said should be written on the wall. a friend of his got hurt because he read what the man said. the man yells in my face because he said something on a public stage and his friend was hurt. i stand there and let him yell at me, sticking his nose in my face. screaming. i was certain i was going to get punched. many years later, that man sent me a facebook message. "let's make up." i don't believe i have anything to make up to anyone, other than taking responsibility for writing what someone else said on the wall. whatever the case, the man is hurt and his friend is hurt. i don't like it when people are hurt. and there was a lot of anger pointed at me. that makes me feel like i've done something wrong.
nobody in my cast stood up for me. nobody in my cast told me about the incident. they all denied that they had anything to do with the incident, even though they all had something to do with the incident. i feel badly that all those people have prooven themselves to be fairweather friends. not particularly loyal. i wish they were. it makes me sad that some of them i was friends with for over 10 years, and now we don't speak at all.
i lived in that state for over ten years. i speak to only one person from that state on any kind of regular basis. i have had a handful of conversations with the rest of the folks from there since i moved away about five years ago. that's one person each year. that makes me sad.
what kind of asshole am i that i leave a state with only one friend after being there for over ten years? i feel like a really big asshole. not deserving of any real kindness. not deserving of friends. cuz even though i don't believe i did anything wrong, i do believe that the people i once thought were my friends turned out to be something different than what i thought they were.
somebody yells at me means i did something wrong
somebody turns their back on me means i wasn't worthy
somebody doesn't want to be my friend means i am shitty
facebook people hurt by the election indirectly accuse me of lacking morals and integrity because i want to see the nation turn into hell. that means i'm a horrible person, cuz i want to nation to be a horrible place for everybody
i can intellecutalize a lot of this away.
but my feelings aren't intellectual.
it hurts.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Pledge
Right now, I'm at work.
And I pledge today, while I am here, I will focus on WORK.
I will not cruise Wikipedia.
I will not play games on my phone.
I will not blog about...
...wait...
...shit.
And I pledge today, while I am here, I will focus on WORK.
I will not cruise Wikipedia.
I will not play games on my phone.
I will not blog about...
...wait...
...shit.