My wife just finished doing her first art show.
It was for charity through my work, so she got to show her stuff to the people I work with.
Jane sits in the cube across the hall from me. Jane came to talk with me about my wife's stuff. She said that she was sorry she didn't get a chance to see my wife's art before she had to take off. I told her that my wife was awesome and there was a website that displayed her work. Jane mentioned her eldest daughter was also an artist in a little town near my office. It just so happens that my wife and I live in that little town, I tell Jane. Jane asks where we live. I tell her the cross streets. She doesn't know where I'm talking about. I ask if she knows were the Wal-Mart is. She says she does. I tell her we live close to there. Jane nods knowingly. She knows where I live. I ask where she lives. She says she lives close to the new hospital.
"Where's that?" I ask.
"You don't know where the hospital is? How long have you lived there?"
"Well, I'm kinda new to the state. I've returned after a prolonged leave, so I'm not too familiar with the state or our town yet."
"But you need to know where the hospital is. You don't know where the new hospital is??" she asks, her judgemental disbelief rising with every word.
"Well, I know where several hospitals are. I'm having difficulty with the designation of 'new', since I haven't lived in the town for more than a couple of years now."
"And you don't know where the hospital is?"
"Well, I live in the town because of my wife, and she's the reason why I continue to go back to the town every evening."
"But surely you get out of the house! How do you get to work?"
I tell Jane the route that I take to work, and she scoffs.
"You drive right by the hospital everyday! You can see it from the highway!"
"Well, yes, I know where that hospital is."
Another coworker walks up. Let's call him Big Fat Kenny. Big Fat Kenny likes to nose his way into everything, and then, like warm snot on a cool rag, you can't get rid of him and he makes you sick.
"What? The hospital?" Big Fat Kenny manages to sputter out through his Big Fat Lips that fold over on themselves.
"Yeah," Jane replies. Then she gestures to me. "He's saying that he's lived there for two years and didn't know the hospital was new. Has the hospital been there longer than two years?"
The two of them think. Has it been there two years? I don't know. Maybe. When was two years? Well, it was two years ago. Oh right. Maybe it has been there longer than two years. Maybe. My Big Fat Cheeks is dripping into my mouth. You should snack on it. I think I will. Mmmm... good cheeks.
Jane returns to me, a little smugly. I think she's trying to hide that she's been ridiculously hard on me for not knowing which hospital she considered the *new* hospital.
"Well, the new hospital is a great one, known for it's pre-natal center."
The Asshole Comedian in me decides to pounce on this bitch.
"Oh, well that's good, because I've been in need of some pre-natal care for a while now. I'm glad you brought that to my attention."
The precision timing and aim of my joke hits, and Jane laughs. Big Fat Kenny jiggles with Big Fat Laughter. Then they realize that I've just given them another reason why I wouldn't have paid any attention to where this fucking *new* hospital was located. And then they realize that I'm smarter than they are. And then they walk away.
My life is too short to make friends with assholes.